rip it

SIGH...

It's hard to put up a straight face.

I read Sky's blog...and it made me laugh. She wrote: "My life starts now...5...4...3...2...1..."

Can my life be lived that way? Can my day start that way?

I don't know where she gets her drive to live. I mean, there she goes facing life as bravely as she could... here I am getting better and better at being anxious about my life.

In a way, I'm like her. I have to condition myself every morning to face my fears and get on with the day. I don't count from five to one... I usually give myself five minutes to actually get a hold of myself and start the day and get things done and over with.

I always pray to God that I may be able to bear all the hurts I have to feel for the day. I don't know what's happening to me... but I am scared to live the day. I don't wanna die...I just want to sleep forever. Sigh... I know life is beautiful, and that happiness is a choice... sometimes, I just get lost again and feel sad and...pathetic.

Last night, I was ignoring the fact that I was hurting. FRIENDS made me laugh... Joey was hilarious! Charmed almost lulled me to sleep. PBB was okay... I was trying hard to cheer myself up... but when it was time for me to really sleep... I cannot help being anxious about my life again. I can't help feeling stressed about the things I need to do, the things I cannot do anymore, the things that will never be... it's emotionally tiring.

You know what I did?... It was the craziest thing I ever did.

RIPPED...CUT...RIPPED...CUT...RIPPED.

Do I have any regrets?... Surprisingly, I don't feel bad about it. It was great finally having to tear those pictures apart. With every ripping sound, I could feel my heartbeat race faster... the hurt slowy ebbing away. When they were all ripped into pieces...I felt so relieved. SIGH... definitely no regrets.

You know what the problem with me was?... I was still holding back and it was doing me no good. Why hold on to reasons not holding on to? I had to do it... because it was too painful to see myself in that happy situation. Besides, I have enough memories in my mind to last me a lifetime. I don't need them anymore. They'll only give me reasons to cry everytime I see them.

I am so tired of being talked to with words that are cold and flat... (I deserve more than that... gaya ng sabi ni Michael Buble).

This morning, when I woke up, the hurt was gone. I am so proud of myself I can't help to laugh about the whole thing. Hehehe... my life is not too bad again. I am choosing to be happy...and though I have to start the day convincing myself to face the day, at least I found the strength to go through my anxieties.

God is the strength of my heart.