I must have millions of laughs in store for me in the future coz I just cried three nights in a row.
Way back in LB when I took Speech Comm, I learned from one of my classmate's informative speech that it was good to cry. Nobody has to tell me how good it is because I cry anytime I want to. How many times have I resorted to crying when nothing seems to cure me? Probably more than a million already. I am surprised that my tear glands are still working.
I am so exhausted... Bangkok was fun.It was great seeing my family together. It was great having a grand vacation. I didn't wanna go back here.Leaving my family really broke my heart. I had so much to think about... How am I supposed to know I was to face more than what I thought I would face? ...in my case, my happiness turned to sadness.
I'm done with my good cry. I cried so hard. I cried a very long and silent cry. I cried for the people I love who are far away from me, I cried for the things that have to be done in the days to come,I cried for all the strength that I lost, I cried for the laughters that I missed, I cried for the time that had gone by, I cried for those who have left me, I cried for the hopes that had been gone and I cried for the things I wish I did but I didn't. I just cried and cried. I thought I would never stop.
Cold?...I feel that way still. I am trying to fix my life like I thought I would. I had lost so much... but I gained a lot too. I, for one, have my whole heart. I own it again...
There's no other way to go but move forward and not look back...for now. I am trying to be brave enough to face each day and make my way through. There will come a day when I would be able to look back at all of these and not feel even an ounce of pain. When that day comes, all of these would just be something to smile about.
I wish 2006 would be a better year for me. 2005 had been a year of loss for me, I hope this year would be the opposite.
I am sad, but I am okay. I already cried and I prayed hard and I feel so much better. I am in one of my numb phases again. It will help me get through for now and I've got God to thank for.
Inspite of the things that I lost, here are the things I am thankful for:
- God... He knows all of angst, my wrong doings and shortcomings, and yet He loves me more than anyone could.
- my family... they are my immediate friends and they accept me for who I am no matter how many times I do them wrong. They never left my side.
- the few friends that I have... they are few but they're the best. They have endured my pathetic moments and I am so greatful to them for that. My life would suck big time without them.
- ComLec... I can't imagine life without them and I can't imagine how I would be this strong. They have changed me a lot and they helped me grow spiritually and emotionally.
- my pillows... I have so many pillows to comfort me in times of great depression
- Jesher...for all the memories we had (because that is all we have) and for having the courage to say how he really felt. It saved me from thinking of hurtful thoughts and things had been easier because of it. I know he'd be one of the things to smile about five years from now.
- all the tears I shed... they dampened my spirit but after that, they made me stronger.
- music... because they help me kill my loneliness away.
- my being single...because it makes me a free person with less problems to think of.
This is my way of looking at the brighter side of things.
***I need you Lord, please stay here by my side.There's no other love I think I'm sure about.***
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