One Month Past Summer Solstice

The view from Dr. H's room. 

 More than a month now, since summer in the sandpit had begun. 

Out with our shawls that we use as sheilas, If only to try to protect us from the blazing sun, and the sweltering heat. Suffocating sandstorms on the trot for weeks.  All the dust invading my poor sighted eyes, my nose with its permanently damaged mucosa (because of the swabs it had, and still has to go through), and my post Covid sensitive throat.

It would always be the same scenario. 

After punching out at work, would scurry off to catch the bus, while ensuring I did the best I could to shield myself from the inferno like warmth.  The temperature would reach to 47°C, and it's more than my body could take.  Hello migraine and nosebleed! 

This week was different. 

On the way to work on Monday morning, the clouds were gloomy. It kind of gave me a dreary feeling. The slapping wind was not the usual humid blow I was used to.  The trees were swaying restlessly. A rare sight in the Middle East, for it looked as if a storm was brewing. 

I thought to myself, even the weather was reflecting the way I was feeling inside.  

I have been going through another emotional turmoil.  I was doubting, if my decisions of late, were the right ones.  Was I heading in the right direction? If I was, why does something keeps going wrong?  I always say to myself, if it's meant to be, it will just be.  My carefree side was being dampened by a sudden feeling of hopelessness.  Lord, do I not deserve what You gave me? Shall I give this up, or shall I press on?  Why did it have to be this difficult?  Crying it out did not give me any sort of relief. The people around me did not fall short of encouraging me.  I was in such anguish, it was too much for me. 

The sullen climate continued 'till Wednesday.  I learned from the news that it rained heavily in another emirate (Fujairah), and it caused a massive flooding.  In Abu Dhabi, however, we were just met by a pleasant drizzle.  It made me feel better.  Maybe the storm was all inside my head, and things were not as irreparable as I thought they were. 

Thursday, the sun was regaining its lost shine. For me, a couple of good news finally came.  At long last, I was able to breathe a sigh of relief.  I felt the weight I was carrying drop off my shoulders.  Truly grateful for *Hubbybi's substantial effort to attend to our personal affairs. I admit, I did not expect it from him. He really has a knack for leaving me astonished.  He was also very patient with my hormonal outbursts.  I appreciate the fact that though he just laughed at me, he still suggested a good compromise.  Just when I thought everything was falling apart, some things started falling into place. 💚

A time when I was feeling somber, and decided to play it out with Cordy, 

Friday was such a treat. Firstly, it was not too humid, the temperature was the right kind of tolerable. Next reason, it warmed my heart that I made a sweet little boy happy, with my Taho surprise.  All the adults were delighted too, thus,  I am very satisfied.  Lastly, I found the one. The dress that would represent me.  After much searching, suddenly, there it was, calling out to me: Choose me Krish, wear me please! 😄  Another one of those #happinessifindinmysolitude kind of moment. Haha! 

Weekend was restful, which I am thankful for.  I feel ready and eager to start the week tomorrow.  

Was able to take a power nap in the afternoon of Saturday (yesterday), and was able to video call my loved ones, after waking up.  Decided to loosen up during the night, by drinking dry white crisp wine, while he was chugging down his cold beer.  Meaningful conversations, senseless, but funny gossips, life stories... Again, simple joys, but ever so priceless.  💚  

Sunday (today), finished all my chores, with enough time left for me to ponder about my week. Here I am writing it out.  

No matter how chaotic my life could be at times, God will always have ways to make me see some sense in it.  I know my hormonal meltdowns are far from being over, but I will sleep tonight, with the comfort of knowing, that the good times always out number the bad.  

A genuine goodbye, can indeed be a way. to lead you to your forever.  

Closing my musing with lines from Sting and Sheryl Crow's song: 

"Well they say that love is in the air (never is it clear), 

how to pull it close and make it stay. 

Butterflies are free to fly, why do they fly away?

Leavin' me to carry on and wonder why. 

Was it you that kept me wondering through this life? 

When you know that I was always on your side?" 

*Formulated the term of endearment Hubbybi, from the word "HABIBI", which is an Arabic word that translates to: my love, my dear, my darling or beloved. 

Conversations over glycolic acids and body peels

 I have been meaning to contemplate about what triggered my overthinking self, before the weekend commenced. 

A backstory: 

Friday.  I officially finished my shift. Two hours earlier than the normal duty hours, because my doctor and I did not have any lunch break. ( I mentioned in my previous entry how stressed out I am, and if you can see me now, it is evidenced by my acne breakout, one of the worst eruptions I had, as far as I can remember.) We have a new member of the team (Yey for the new staff!), and she grabs every chance she can get to practice our usual procedures.  Perfect guinea pig: ME, obviously. Haha!

It was fortunately a steady time, and my colleagues would come and go inside the room to chat.  They were in the mood to reminisce about their newbie years in our hospital.  One senior staff of mine mentioned, she heard I joined, at the time she was on maternity leave.  It took me back to that afternoon, when I was watching the SDE of her wedding with the other ladies from the department. We have not personally met.  She said, I was heartbroken, as endorsed, and I would not eat much, and at times, they would notice my tears fall, while I was busy doing my documentation. Haha! Yep, that time was pretty rough, and I have always been such a crybaby. I believe my tears make me strong. I had chest pains that time, and not letting my tears out would aggravate it more. 

I just laughed it off.  Almost six years had passed.  It's nothing more than a distant memory.  I was coming to terms with what love is, and what love is not.  

It lead to one of us sharing her first heartbreak.  She was foolishly in love, that she was willing to change her religion.  She was begging for the guy to take her back. It hurt like hell for her. She was laughing the whole time she was telling the story.  I asked her, "Paano mo nakaya magmaka awa ng ganon? Hindi ko kaya gawin yun, kahit sobrang nasasaktan ako."  

"Nanghihinayang ako sa one year namin, crush na crush ko talaga siya, tapos naging boyfriend ko pa."  She answered, all the while, laughing at the absurdity of it all.  We laughed with her. It was my turn to be questioned. "Ikaw ba hindi manghihinayang? Sayang yung oras na nilaan mo, tapos ganon lang." 

"My only regret is that I did not end it sooner.   Para sakin, mas sayang pag inaksaya ko pa oras sa kanya, mas kelangan ko ng oras para makapag move on agad. The sooner , the better. Kase nga, I am not getting any younger."  

She said,  I had a point too, and she did not think of it that way. She learned a lot about herself from that heartbreak.  No matter how painful it had been, the lessons would always be the biggest take aways.  Then the topic shifted to interfaith relationships, marriage, and having kids. 

"WIlling ako mag change ng religion para sa kanya!"  More chuckling. 

"Okay lang ba sa inyo na magkaiba kayo ng religion?"

"Siguro. Basta magkasundo kami."

"Paano yung magiging anak niyo?" 

I answered, "I have no problem with it. My first boyfriend was a Born Again Christian, and we never had an issue. Pastor pa 'ata lolo non. Sobrang knowledgeable sa Bible.  I guess, medyo may pagka selective Catholic din ako. Siguro para sakin, it's about applying in life, what Jesus personally taught/ made me feel.  It doesn't matter kung ano man religion mo. Sabi nga nila, no religion can save you, only your faith will. Siguro din, kung pagdating sa mga anak, if it were up to me, I would let them choose. Kung san nila mahanap si God, I am all for it.  Basta maging mabuti silang mga tao. Wow, feeling magkaka anak pa!" Hahahaha! 

Then they went on about stories about their kids. I can only listen, because I don't have kids of my own, and I could not relate.  I tried to take note of their personal experiences, just in case I would find myself in the same state. Tawa tayo uli. haha! 

Reflecting back on our exchange of narratives, I am astonished about what I learn from other people.  Brings me back to what I keep telling myself, to always live my life with arms wide open.  There is so much to gain when you listen to what others have to say.  Unexpectedly, I also came to realize some things about myself.  

I may come off as eccentric, when it comes to the way I decide, whether to keep or let people go, in my life.  I guess I have always known myself to be such, but hearing my work friends talk about me, truly validates what I knew all along.  I let people leave, when they want to leave.  I have lost friendships I used to considerably cherish, and to be honest about it, I don't feel any sense of loss.  Real friendships, or relationships, for that matter, should survive the heaviest of storms, and if we were not able to come through out of it, like I always say, better not force it.  Hanggan doon na lang talaga kami.  Iiiyak ko lang yan for a time, pero hahayaan ko pa din sila.  

Another epiphany:  I am getting old! Not because of my physical age, but because of the way I am starting to get better at not taking people's actions against me, personally.  Or maybe because, I feel any time now, I could be at the end of my rope.  I don't like to waste my emotions on insignificant issues, or people, for that matter. 

Lastly, I am at awe, by the way love comes in different forms.  

Forgiveness. Jesus inspired me to have a forgiving heart.  If he can forgive, who am I to refuse forgiving those who hurt me?  

Empathy.  Not only useful in nursing, but very applicable to life in general.  I start understanding why people hurt other people.  It always comes to the fact that they are hurt too. That is when I start to remind myself to always hold my judgement. 

Random act of kindness.  The way my colleagues are concerned about my well- being.  Even without asking them, they are the ones offering help. Like my zit breakout, and other aesthetic concerns.  

Acceptance.  My dragon boat team, always reminding me I am a paddler in every right. I will never forget the way I am always told, "Wala namang babae sumagwan."   So, I had to swallow my fear at the times I was included in the line up, for the men's boat. Haha! I am laughing about it now, but the past two races, I wanted to object about it.  I did not believe in myself, yet my team did.  

I have come to the conclusion, that I am not afraid of being alone, or living alone, because God, have time and time again, proven, that I am never alone.   There was one point I was researching about the best ways to living my life alone.  It was the direction I was getting ready to head into.  

So what will I do now when His plans for me are not what I expected them to be? 

When I have no words, I always say, walk by faith, not by sight. ☺

Wonder what my colleagues and I will talk about, come our next session.   Kung magkaka chance pa.  

*Praying for peaceful shifts for the days ahead. A futile request, but I should not lose hope.  

Under the wire

 Half of the year is through! I. Just. Can't. 

I did have a feeling, the long Eid Al Fitr break, would mean harder duty days afterwards. How right I was.  

The conditions stated in our new contract were immediately implemented.  From 40 hours per week, we are now working for 48 hours.  All of our doctors opted to still have two days off, and that meant working for more than 8 hours for five days.  Saying work is exhausting is such an understatement.  There are just no words for it.   Even the doctors are feeling burnt out, they get sick alternately.  The first week back from the Eid holidays, was something I do not wish to go through again.  There was one time that I cried, the moment I got home, just to let all my frustrations out.  Longer working hours meant not being able to make it to water trainings too, and paddling is my happy pill.  Even if I make it, I wouldn't have enough energy for it.  I truly feel my age is catching up on me, physically. 😂

Sometimes, it would be easier to just blame my feelings on our unjust work system.  My colleagues and I are all learning how to be respectful while being feisty.  We have to do what we have to do, to make it through the day.  Having that said, I could always choose to be spiteful about it, but it would all the more drain the happiness out of me.  I try my best to find something to be grateful for, everyday, no matter how bad the day have been.  

I just want time to slow down a bit.  I feel undeniably overstretched. There's just too much to do, and so little time.  Partly my fault, because I feel like I had all the time in the world... now I can hear the clock ticking.  There are times that I am consumed by the immensity of it all, I just shut down.  When that happens, I always prefer to sleep it away.  How did I get this bad at coping with life? 

I have become too comfortable with my single life.  For a long time, I only had myself to think about.  I always make my situation a laughing matter. I would always say in my popcorn prayers, "Lord, I am okay with being single, just as long as I have enough, to help others, while still being able to provide for myself." God have been exceedingly gracious.  Too gracious, that He even gave me blessings I didn't pray for.  Along with these blessings, came responsibilities.  I get frustrated, when I feel, that I fall short of fulfilling them.  

Is it so wrong to want many things at the same time? I would ask most of the time.  

I want to give my self a good beating for always asking, now that I realize what God's answer is: No. It isn't wrong, but wanting many things at the same time might be too much for you.  

SIGH.  My time is running out.  I am resolved in accepting that there are just some things I have no control of.  I can't find the courage to face what I need to face... I am afraid to take required exams for a better career path, I feel like I will never be brave enough to schedule an appointment with a doctor.  I am terrified of what I would find out. These, plus all of the tasks I have to do, before the year ends, make me feel overloaded.  SIGH. Again. 

*Half of the year is through, will I ever see my dreams come true? 

Brooding Over

So Ramadan ended.  

Two days before the anticipated long break, we had trouble with our staffing, because two were on sick leave. One was on annual leave. How we were able to survive the last two days, I don't want to think about it anymore.  Just very grateful we were able to endure, and outstandingly accomplish our tasks for the day.  

Went home last Friday, heart full of relief.  Laughing outside, but crying inside.  I was just so glad for the coming holidays... thankful for the most cooperative colleagues.  Indeed, it was teamwork at its finest.  We managed with just three nurses, but it was such a struggle! The whole situation gave me a sense of foreboding, of what is to come after our given days off. 

I found myself in a dilemma of some sort. 

 My paddle family had scheduled another camping activity.  It was to celebrate the birthdays of our April babies, the kick off for Eid Al Fitr, and our winning the championship for the corporate cup in our last two races (Back to back champs for the corpo cup! How's that?☺), 

I wanted to bond with them, sure, but that would mean, I would go through the hustle of staying overnight again in the middle of the desert, with only the wide sandpit serving as a natural latrine.  It was that time of the month again (it's difficult to be a girl sometimes), and thinking about it, made me feel uneasy.  My mood was too unstable.  

In the end, my teammates convinced me to go.  

Like our last camping, it was nothing short of amazing.  You can always count on the team to bring you good vibes.  Though a great deal of time was lost, because most of our cars got stuck in the sand. and we had to pull/push them out,  we were still able to laugh our hearts off.  We sang until all our sound system batteries ran out. We ate and drank (both water and alcohol), and just had a great time.  I was hoping there would be no more drama, but I guess it couldn't be helped. 

Spent most of my time with Quinncy.  She's the most adorable!

With Quinn and Ruby at DFC Regatta Feb 2022

"Do you remember me Krish? I am your friend!" 

" Of course I remember you Quinn." 

"We had a picture taken together during your race." 

"Yes we did! " 

Didn't mind her tagging along with me most of the time.  Come to think of it, it gave me a sense of purpose.  I had to take care of her, and that meant her parents were able to enjoy the event too.  It seemed I entertained her, as much as she fascinated me. 

* See photo, the one which she spoke about.  

"Krish, you're not eating or drinking that much."

"Well yeah, That's because I don't like to pee (in my mind; and poop). " 

Trust a child to truly express what she thinks, or sees, for that matter. Haha! 

Sharing some crazy antic they suddenly came up with ( I was coerced to join!I was not even done with eating dinner!). Was so funny because all of them were mic happy people.  

 

                                          

About the drama that unfolded... it involved one of my closest teammates (Kuya Archie), who is about to leave UAE for good.  Almost everybody were drinking, so everyone suddenly had something to say. Haha! I guess, scenarios such as that, are most amusing to the sober ones like me. 😂😂😂 I didn't even notice how the topic suddenly became about me.  I just let them finish without interjecting.  Was pretty sure they would not remember a thing when the morning comes. 

The best part of it all, was the bonding, which was utterly solid.  Even some inactive members came.  It was such a delight having them around.  

Captain William (The one in the blue shirt), our former captain/coach from our former team came.

Kap Will showed up! He was one of the people who made me love dragon boat.  I saw how passionate he was about it. His energy was always encouraging and his positivity, contagious.  

We have been through so much.  After the falling out with our previous team, he made a way for us to paddle again.  Through Ate Miles (the one in dark blue long sleeved blouse), a number of us former EDBT paddlers, became happy members of Daman Dragons. ☺

Sitting beside me, Manong Erwin, is also a co-paddler from EDBT.  Was waiting for him to update us about the date he brought with him that night, but I felt he was hesitant. 😂 We could read in between the lines though.  As long as he's happy, then we are all happy for him too.  From EDBT all the way to DD, we got each other's backs for sure.  (Missing Ate Che and Joie,  both went home in the Philippines and stayed for good). 

Archie, Erwin, Krish, Joie, Cheryl, Will
The Palm Regatta 2019

Amidst all the fun going on through the night, something was nagging at me inside.  I guess I was feeling a little sentimental.  (And yeah, I am blaming it on the hormones! Haha!)  

You know how you are certain that some things are just meant for you? 

That is how dragon boat is for me.  

New Year of 2018, I made a list of what I wanted to do, like a bucket list. I knew getting through 2018 would be the most challenging one for me, because it was the year my ex and I planned to get married.  I vowed to do everything I could to keep myself busy, and not dwell on the things that should and could have been.  Hence, I officially dubbed it as my YOLO-ing year.  One of the item written was, learn a water sport.  What I had in mind was learning water polo, or taking formal swimming lessons.  Just a month into the new year, I just came back from my vacation in the Philippines and I was recovering from a bout of flu.  

One of my pole sisters asked me if I am interested in joining her dragon boat team, as they were open for recruitment that time.  A friend of a friend was joining, and she thought it would be a good idea if we join at the same time so she will not feel left out. It was winter time, it was always freezing, my colds refused to go away, and I felt my pole classes were tiring and painful enough. How could I possibly do dragon boat too?  I said no a few times, but it turned out that the friend, was a very close friend of mine. Les (my good friend) kept on pressing me to join together with her.  Peer pressure it was.  It was Valentine's Day the night that I joined. (Pretty symbolic if I may say!😂)  I have been paddling ever since. 

Learn a water sport.  One item off my bucket list. 

Dragon boat was something I never had in mind, but it was the opportunity that presented.  It was like the universe conspired and the chance came to me.  It was not something I sought... but then again, I guess it's true... what is for you will find you and never miss you.  

Like how some things, in my life, are the way they are.  No words can ever explicate. 

No matter how great my love for paddling is, ultimately, I would have to give it up, for something I love even more.  

I was content that camping night, but only I can tell how soppy I was feeling inside.  

Will have to make the most out of the time I am given then.  

*** Eid Mubarak! ( Happy Eid!)

I pray you find reasons to make your life blissful and beautiful. 

May you never run out of wonder. 

I wish for you, love you deserve, and the peace you long for. 

I hope dragon boat makes you happy, the way it made and kept me happy.  ☺

Ramadan Hits

 An hour and a half past midnight. 

I know I should be sleeping. 

Just finished doing the laundry (the washing and the hanging), and the folding of all the laundered clothes. The next challenge would be to sort them again in their designated spaces in my closet.  I lost the willpower, and opted to temporarily place them at the foot of my bed. (Don't ask me how many days they're gonna stay there. haha!) 

Adulting never stops.  Most of the time, when I am doing my chores, I always convince myself that if I get them done, then my life would be rid of all the clutters as well. Why do I always fool myself? 😅

I thought I haven't had a musing for quite a while. I am irritated with all the unfinished drafts.  The momentum of my feelings at those moments, had already passed.  Have I been really that occupied? Thought I would put down in writing whatever it is that is keeping me awake.  Keeping me company, my 2020 top songs in Spotify. Two years had passed, and a lot had changed.

Two years ago, the start of Ramadan fell on the second half of April. (This year, it started earlier, 2nd of April).  I was deployed in the wards that time, as it was the beginning of the pandemic brought about by Covid.  I didn't notice the Ramadan days passing by.  One night, after a twelve hour shift, lower back aching and all, I went home and realized it was the eve of Eid Al Fitr.  I was that busy, I didn't even feel the holy month of Ramadan transpire. 

A couple of years later,  and it's Ramadan again.  The days are passing by so quickly, and it feels like I haven't got enough time for all the things I want to do.  

Didn't expect to be immersed like this.  You never really know where life can take you. 

Good thing work starts late during Ramadan. It ends early too, or else I would regret staying up this late.  Better gear myself up with enough sleep, lest I feel dizzy and faint, or become a zombie.  It's gonna be another battle at work, as usual, tomorrow.  

I can't sleep.  I have gotten so used to hearing that snore... it has become my lullaby. Checked the moon.  I always have it to blame when I am crazy like this. A waxing gibbous. Seriously? 😂😁

And as if to tease me more, For you by BTOB is playing. Haha! Love it! I take that as my cue to end this random musing. 

The song helped me get by during my ward days in 2020.  It helped me calm my nerves before going to war, felt very much like it, every time I had to go on duty.  💚

"You're the only one for me... I'm the only one for you." 

Conclusion

How do you close something, that you did not even notice, had opened? 

I guess it's true what they say, if it's meant to be, it will be.  

Plodding over the sands of Al Quaa

Here's to walking away from something I never thought I would saunter from.

Cheers to some truths that had revealed themselves at the perfect time. 

Lots of gratitude to the healing of wounds, I did not even see, were there. 

*Posted the picture above, from our team's desert getaway, two weeks back. Maybe next time I will share how I felt really loved, that weekend.  How lucky am I to have teammates who make my heart happy, not only when paddling the waters, but also when marching through the sands? Anyway, for reference lang talaga 'yang pic na yan. I feel like I am at this stage... The walking away part.  The good kind of walking away. The kind I did not even dream of. 💓

It all seems funny now, that a closure I never thought I needed, came to be.  Bizarre how it had to take place, in a PCR swab queue, on an ordinary day! 😂 The shock I felt after!  I stopped my wondering immediately after I left the floor. Let's just leave it at that. ☺

********

This has been in my drafts for more than six weeks! I feel like life's at it again... sucking me into all its beautiful chaos. 

The first quarter of my 2022 is almost over.  The year started with a bang indeed! Not only for me, but for people I cherish the most.  The journey that lies ahead won't be easy.   I am well aware of that... but like they say, everything gets difficult before a breakthrough.  

I can't expect for everyday to be just sunshine. I got to learn how to dance and sing in the rain sometimes. ☺ 

 

Trounced

 "We act strong when we are really not."  Dr. M

It will almost be a month since Dr. M left us... left me.  We still keep in touch, as she calls every now and then.  She would call our Department's landline number, and I would still recognize her number.  I think it will take time before everything about her... all about us, wears off of me.  

"I am taking a deep breath, so I don't cry." 

She was very emotional.  She poured her heart out.  It took me back to the times we would squeeze in brief heart to heart moments, in between patients.  How we were able to do that, I could only wonder.  I hardly ate during my stint with her. We were just so busy... but I loved working with her. 

I couldn't let my sentimentality get the best of me, because I had to focus on my tasks.  I consciously brushed aside whatever I was feeling.  We were busy as usual.  I had to mind the motions first, before owning my emotions. 

If truth be told, I wanted to cry. I just couldn't.  I feel like my conversation with Dr. M triggered it even more.  

I just feel so swamped.  Now that I am taking a breather, at the comfort of my bed, I feel like I am about to burst.  I am calmer at this rate. I was such a wreck just half an hour ago.  I prayed, and as I write now, I am listening to worship songs via Spotify.  I am willing my heart to be still.  

Sometimes I just don't know what to do to help myself anymore.  I think I am going mental.  This mind of mine won't stop thinking.  My few friends who know how I cope, are expressing their worry.  I said I could still manage, but could I really? 

"It's either you tire yourself too much, or you sleep it away."

Wow.  Said my great friend who has been residing in US for two years now.  Double check. 😂 

"One step at a time." She said. 

I know. I know. As I typed these two words, I released yet another good cry.  

Even at this moment, a lot is still coursing through my head.  Securing the papers I need.  Sorting for work, so many approvals. The declining of my health.  Facing my family, and laying on the table, what I truly want.  Deciding where to go from here. 

Stop. I need to stop.  

I am lifting everything up to God, because it's the only way I know. 

So you see, could you really blame me for sleeping things away? 

We act strong even when we are really not, because we have to.  

***My write ups are floating aimlessly in the recesses of my brain.  Praying I would soon find time to jot them all down.  

Trouble being a friend

 The truth will always catch up on you. 

I will let time do its task, 

as it is the best discoverer of honesty. 

I have learned,

ignorance can lead to assumptions.

Anger... to illusions. 

Wrong kind of love... to misdirected rage. 

Why are you so vain?

Like Carly sang...

I bet you think this musing is about you? 

Thank you...

for reminding me of not becoming into someone

I would never like to be. 

Aimless contemplation

 It won't be long now...

Though you are barely making it, 

and you feel the hours are long, 

while the days are running short. 

It won't be long now... 

Before things start turning around. 

Time flies when you dread the end, 

but it drags when you look forward to a close. 

Only the passage of days seem swift...

the healing, appears to take forever. 

Look over your shoulder, 

and appreciate how far you've come. 

Be thankful for goodbyes, 

because it means there are good memories to keep. 

Be accepting of what will be, 

and avoid being reduced by circumstances which are against you. 

Be mindful of your words. 

You can take them back, but the pain you caused will remain for a time. 

Don't take things personally...

people are just doing their best to survive...

because like you, they too, are barely making it. 

Take it easy. 

Know in your heart that however the situation pans out, 

it will always be God's redirection. 

Your life still matters even with all your imperfections. 

It won't be long now...

Hold on to that trickle of hope that you still see.

What God holds for you, is what will be. 

***

Slept early because I had to bear a terrible headache the whole day.  I was feeling distressed because of the upcoming Town Hall meeting tomorrow.  The e-mail that we all received, affected us immediately.  The memo was well written, but I could read through the words.  We all could.  Now we can only hope for the best.  Praying for the strength to endure whatever will come to be.

Note above is about me, being there for me. At the end of the day, I have to be there for me.  I also have to tell myself off, when I feel I have been unkind.  Will do my best to hold it out, with anxiety and all.

Slept my feelings away, as usual, because slumber has become my best defense mechanism. Put on some relaxing ukulele music in the background to calm my heart.  Woke up to the soft pitter patter of the rain on my window. 

It's raining in Abu Dhabi.  

Though it meant winter is approaching, and I am not a fan of the cold, my heart found hope.  As the season starts to change, I am reminded that what I am going through will not last. It won't be long now... I will get to a better season soon.  

Just had to write it out before my thoughts get lost in oblivion.  

The way I used to be

Another old musing of mine resurfaced in facebook. Damn that thing... always reliving what was.  I took a long time off social media a few years back for this reason. It helped me forget, because FB reminding me everyday of what my life had been the past years, was just pure torment. 

11 years ago, I wrote a note. It was down right from the gut.  I remember why I wrote it... I can hark back to the scenario that led me into that emotional state.  I still know who I was pertaining to. Haha! Years later, that person would try to add me as a friend in facebook, but I never acknowledged the friend request.  I just didn't see the point, I still don't.  😂

"This will be the last minute that I will let you hurt me. No. I will not retaliate... but every time that I have to cross paths with you again, I would painstakingly fight back... silently... not to hurt you even if you deserve it... but to appease my mind and free myself of every misery I allowed you to bring."

It was a moment of freeing myself from the baggage that were weighing me down.

A two minute read-note. Looking back, I marvel at how I had the time to even entertain those kind of feelings... then again I know myself. I was always in touch with my sentiments... that was why I could write the way I write. Well, not anymore. Adulting has changed me. Now I reject some emotions, because sometimes, it's the only way to survive, and the saddest thing about it, is that, I don't write it out anymore, like the way I used to before.

Maybe because I didn't trust myself that I could still write. I was hurting too much, and writing hurt the most, because it would mean confronting my emotions. Sometimes I wouldn't be able to help myself though. I have so many scribbles in all sorts of objects I could write on... a sheet of tissue paper/paper towel, back of receipts, candy wrappers... the list goes on. There were times that I allow myself to give in... because at least I would be saving some pieces of the old me.

These are heartwarming comments. I wish I could write that way again. It seems that I lost my mojo. Or am I really aging, that my trains of thoughts seem to quickly vaporize to thin air as soon as I think of them?

Will I ever transform back to my writing self again?

A forgotten backstory

 Because Spotify randomly played a song I haven't heard for a long time...

It took me back to one night in 2007. 

Dad gave me a ride, because it was the only way he could be sure I would arrive at my destination safe.  Was on the way to a hospital in Manila for night duty, I was still on my nursing student years.  The drive from Navy Village where we lived at the time, didn't take that long. I just remember Gwen Stefani's song blasting in the background.  I was trying my best to keep my cool so dad would not notice, that I was almost out of my wits... with all the confusion eating me up inside.  We took a left turn in Quirino Avenue from Osmena Highway, and I was so uncertain of what I should do. 

"Meet me downstairs before you come up to the 8th floor. " The text message said. 

Why should I? Was he for real? Was he even in Manila? I was well aware their group was supposed to be in Pasay. Why would he still be in Manila at such an hour? Did he plan not to go home? How can I meet him when my dad was dropping me off? What would I say to dad when he asked me who that person is? What would my groupmates think of it? 

I couldn't possibly! Well, I didn't say yes, so I went straight to the 8th floor. 

Before our duty officially started, there was a bit of commotion, because apparently, my groupmates saw him by the entrance.  Waiting, they assumed, for one of our groupmates, who was his old flame.  The topic lasted the whole night, and the teasing seemed to go on forever. 

I didn't know what to make of it.  I was always the quiet one, and I couldn't bring myself to say, actually he was waiting for me.  So that night, I kind of bailed on him.   

Everything went by like a blur after that night.  The culmination of it all, would be a confrontation in the cafeteria, between me and our Clinical Instructor, with some of our classmates as witnesses.  They asked me about the real score between him and me. 

I couldn't give our CI an answer, because I was so clueless about what he felt, or of what he was trying to imply.  Everything about him was a cloud of incertitude.  

I guess some things never change. 

~o0o~

More than a decade of knowing you, 

and yet we still find ourselves here... 

at the edge of the road of indecisions. 

We walked for a long time together, 

until you let go of my hand, 

when you kept promising you never would.

We walked different paths. 

I made sure to never concern myself with your side of the road,  

as I've got my own track to tread. 

What the heck? 

What is your intent, walking by my side again? 

when I have long learned to trudge on my own. 

A bolt from the blue

 Can I just say I am speechless? 

I've been praying and meditating the whole day.  Gave myself some self love by listening to empowering podcasts.  That I made it through this day keeping my calm, is a blessing itself. I could feel a pending anxiety attack, but I think the praying worked. Thank You Lord for your mercy. 

Out of the blue, I heard from someone unexpected... lo and behold, the person bore good news! The last time I heard from him, he was not in such a good state.  He didn't know where he would get encouragement, and knowing me from years back, he remembered I always gave some sound advices/comments.  Anyway, he was much better now.  Good for him. The plan that he had a year ago, had come to fruition. It's always inspiring to hear stories like that. 

I scrolled back to our last conversation, and I can only laugh at how consistent I've been, when it comes to moving on. I read what I wrote: "You wanna know the very first thing I did para maging okay ako? I had to forgive him wholeheartedly... para sa sarili ko, not for him."

 This made me scroll down to my chat with a cousin's ex-girlfriend, and this is what I told her: 

 " I am not saying this because it is easy for me to say. I learned from my experience, that I will never heal if I don't forgive the one who hurt me. When I did, everything just felt lighter after.  Forgiving is difficult, but sometimes, you do it, not for the person who hurt you. You do it for yourself." 

It's true though.  Forgiveness is indeed a gift, you give yourself. Forgetting, however, is a different matter. 

Anyway, I can't put into words, how our conversation flowed... but I just gave him a gist of what I am currently going through.  I appreciated his way of boosting my morale. It just really surprised me that he kept bringing up references from our past.  I meant, the years we spent together working at the same hospital.  We were shift-mates for a month in Medical ward. Wait... maybe it was three months? I don't remember anymore.  What really came as a shock was how he casually came to a revelation, and I didn't know how to react. Didn't know what to say. 

I mean, really? How come I did not know? I didn't even feel? Didn't even get a clue? Really? Was I really that apathetic, that I didn't notice?  I think he didn't really try to let me know. Because everyone's comments about me were similar.  That I give off an aura of pushing people away.  Like there is this wall around me with a sign saying: DON'T EVEN TRY. IDGAF.

One senior nurse of ours just flashed in my mind.  She would always be pissed at me, because every time she would successfully humiliate me (like 9 out of 10, it really was not my fault. She does that because I am my father's daughter, and she didn't think I deserved to be there), I would stand there, take everything in, and look the same. I wouldn't even flinch. I would cry after, but never in the moment.  I never gave her the satisfaction, by letting her see me cry.  Maybe, most of them thought, wala ako pake. kase anak ako ng tatay ko, kase anak ako ng diyos. They would always say that. I would hear about it from concerned people.  I think my confidence was shattered because of it.  It took me years, before I started believing I could achieve things on my own...  Without dad's influence to back me up.  Ang random e noh? I just had to vent that out. Haha!

It's making me realize how impassive I must have come off to people.  My RBF probably made it worse. Haha! Good to know my friend still had something good to say in spite of my blunt affect. 

It just caught me by surprise. That is all. 

Maybe something is really wrong with me.  And it's not just my resting bitch face. 

Out with it

Have been sick the week that passed, and was sleeping most of my time away, so now, on a Friday night, with congested nose, teary eyes and all... I am wide awake, so I will just write what I've been meaning to write. 

Had a good conversation with an old friend of mine, I think three weeks back. Wonderwall, (we would call each other that, because we used to sing and ponder on Oasis' "Wonderwall") poured her heart out.  It took me back to the times when we used to engage in "unli" Wednesdays... we would just exchange our musings through text messages, all under, or exactly in 160 characters! Haha! We would talk about anything under the sun.  Ww was always vocal about what she felt, and I would share my feelings too. 

 Looking back now, it all the more reminded me that time is really passing by. Our life issues were so simple... the things we called problems, during our more youthful days, all seem funny now.  Adulting really transforms you into someone you never expect you'd be. 

Back to Ww sharing her personal struggles, I was so touched because she chose to open up to me.  The last time we saw each other was 2017.  Over the years, our busy lives got in the way of our constant communication, but with true friends, no matter how long you don't talk with or see each other, you just know nothing will change. 

I knew that her special admission was hard for her to do, but at that moment, she needed someone.  Coincidentally, I had the chance to be there for her.  I may not always have the right answers, but sometimes, just being there for a friend also helps me.  I was so grateful I came upon that chance.  Maybe she thinks I was there for her, but no, she was there for me.  I learned so many things from our conversation, and I know some would find it weird, but I felt God talking to me through her.   

God have always given me the people that I need. That night that we talked, the person came in the guise of a friend, who was in need of a friend.  Our talks of the heart did not end there, we would chat for some nights more, thus, the exchange of musings once more, but heavier thoughts this time around.  

When it was my turn to tell her about my current crosses in life, she did not disappoint. I always appreciate an objective friend. One who would tell me what I needed to hear, and not what I wanted to hear.  Ww gave me that.  In the end, her words made me cry, because I felt God's reassurance, that I was loved. I am loved.  Even with all my hurts, and other people's judgement against me, everything would always come to: "Love is love." Quoting Ww.  

I was once again reminded of the lesson I learned over the course of the pandemic... that life is fleeting.  I should not waste my time being judgmental of others, even to the ones who hurt me, because maybe, they are hurting too. Reiterating to myself to choose kindness, understanding, forgiveness and spreading love, no matter how little they may seem to be. I will add one more to the list... because I seem to have forgotten what helped me make it through all my pain... I should always choose to be thankful too. 

I now know what have helped me get through my heartbreak.  It was because I was just thankful I was alive each day that I found myself awake.  I would thank God for the long hours that I slept my pain away.  I would thank Him for the winter breeze that made my insides froze.  I would thank Him for the songs that soothed my heart. I was thankful for my pole classes that really kickstarted my moving on.  I was thankful for dragon boat, because it opened a lot of avenues for my self discovery. 

One lesson leads to another. So my conversation with Ww, made me think of people who resurfaced in my life again.  Since I am pouring my heart out too, might as well be done with it. 

Here are the things that I am thankful for at the moment: 

• For hearing her side of the story.  She might have hurt me, but she was hurting too.  Again, I should pass no judgment.  I hurt her too, maybe not intentionally, but I still hurt her.  I hope she won't waste her emotions on me anymore, because I can tell her, it just would not be worth it.  At least I know where she was coming from.  She may never know how it felt for me, because she seem to not have a clue about my side of the story, but it's okay. Some things are best left in the dark.  I don't want to add more to her hurts.  I hope she finds it in her heart to forgive me too.  I know it's futile to say that I already let them be a long time ago, and that I never expected that I would be the cause of her troubles.  I was just living my life, trying to find happiness in my solitude.  I didn't know about their plans, and I honestly didn't care anymore. It was none of my business, so to speak.  
• For having the courage to ask him to confront himself.  I may have not figured out what I want in my life, but I am pretty sure of the things that I do not want.  I do not want someone who can't take me for who I am.  I am not clingy, I am not needy, I am too strong and independent.  I learned how to be, because I had to, in order to survive the life I chose to live.  There are many things that I lack, but never question the way I love... and never accuse me of the things I never did, and would never do.  
• For getting sick this week.  It's an awful way to rest, but hey, it was still rest.  It meant I had more time for sleeping.  My heart was torn, because I knew my colleagues were suffering, but still thankful they were able to manage it. 
• For my heart to heart talk with Dr. M last week.  I am like her in a lot of ways. Maybe that is why we get along so well. Even though our days together are numbered, at least I felt that this person really has my best interest at heart.  I hope I would be successful in holding myself together when her last day at work comes.  My designation would be bleak after she leaves... maybe they would terminate me, or assign me in a different area. We'll see.  God will lead me to where I need to be.  
• For deciding to attend last week's water training.  My soul needed it, and my heart knew it too. ☺I think the hard training was the reason why I had vertigo, and why I had my current flu.  After training, I had dinner with my paddle sisters, I was damp and feeling cold and did not shower. I opted to rinse off at home.  Aside from the transitioning of the weather (numerous sandstorms this week too), I think that was the reason why I caught a bad cold.  
• Speaking of weather change, I am thankful for the not so hot air.  I tried running, Friday last week, and I found it delightful! Minus all the heaviness of my weight though. haha! I need to get back to running, because my teammates and I are joining another run come this November.  Thank God for giving me people who are into fitness!  
• For Ww... who's got my back no matter how stubborn I am sometimes.  For reminding me that all is fair in love. For her analogy of my situation, being compared to a last minute basketball game. That was hilarious! Food for thought, just the same.  For her found love, making her feel all the warm fuzzies.  💜
• For my colleagues... for always working as a team.  No competition, just helping each other survive one duty after another. I love them to bits.  I miss those who left, but it all the more made me appreciate the ones who are still with me.  
• For my paddle sisters.  I never expected I would be bonding with them the way I am bonding with them now.  They are kind enough to always include me in their plans. Maybe because they know I am always by myself? haha!
• For my family and few true friends who make me feel loved.  I may stumble and make mistakes again and again, but their love would always keep healing me.  Enough for me to keep choosing to live one more day.

Thank You God for Your saving grace.  Please forgive me for the times that I forget to be thankful.  During one of my most trying times, You made it clear to me that I should stop asking why... I just need to begin again.  Thank You for teaching me to give closure to myself.  Knowing that I did not need it coming from anyone else but You, my heart is satisfied.  Again, thank You for always giving the people that I need.  They may come as someone who gives me pain, but You know better, I need to feel pain too.  It is through all my pain that I am pushed to try to be kind.  Thank You for always humbling me.  Thank You for always holding my hand.  Even now, that I am in the brink of giving up, I can feel Your grasp, reminding me to hold on.  I trust you Lord.  Time and time again, You have shown Your faithfulness, so I will let go if it is Your will for me to let go... again.  What is for me, will never miss me, no matter how life keeps getting in the way.  I have my faith in that.  Your love alone suffices. 

"When the oceans rise, and thunders roar, 

I will soar with You above the storm. 

Father You are King over the flood, 

I will be still, know You are God. "

-Still, Hillsong

Momentary Jiggle

My quarantine days. 

• It came quite as a shock.  Well, I always thought I would be prepared, but it turned out different, when it finally hit. 
• God allowed me to rest. He gave me too long, a break from work.  I was only able to come to work for five days, for the whole month of July. Five days! How crazy was that? Thank God my salary was not reduced. Then came August, I have not even lasted for four days... I had to be quarantined again!

Had to wear this tracker/smartwatch during my quarantine days.
This is used to track the position or location of the person wearing it.  You can't leave the promises while you have it on, otherwise, the consequences will be dire. 
The fine is half a year worth of my salary.   

• Had no choice but to skip paddling/water training.  Can't wait to get back to it soon. 
• Spent most of my time with Cordy. 💓☺ I was and still am, so addicted! 

https://drive.google.com/file/d/1WflOXsk3DKkWn3CSKm0WjlC0yCuH7LdR/view?usp=sharing

• Was consumed with guilt, as my colleagues suffered from lack of manpower.  They had to assist my doctor, who has a knack of doing procedures even though she got tons of other patients to see.  They would always mention in the group chat at the end of the day, that they were not able to eat or take their break. (Now they know how it is like for me, almost everyday of my duty life).  Felt terribly sorry for them though.  

My anxiety

• It has gotten worse. There were times when I was so sure I was going to die.  
• There is this darkness which seems to swallow me... literally.  
• Uncomfortable pounding of my temples, accompanied by the ringing inside my ears. 
• Palpitations. 
• Tightening of my chest. 
• Things that helped relieve it a little: meditation, drinking wine, taking long showers, curling up in a fetal position on bed, deep breathing, crying it out... and sleeping it away (oh no... not again).  

Getting back to work 

• Company restructuring. This isn't Grey's Anatomy, but it felt like it.  You know the season where a merger happened between Mercy West and Seattle Grace? It sucked to have witnessed something like it in real life.
• Disheartening. The pending termination of my colleagues made me feel demotivated.  I didn't know how we would ever manage without them. Fast forward to two weeks after they were gone, there were times that I couldn't speak anymore.  My frustration would always be brushed aside, because I had to attend to more important matters.  At times when it gets so vexing, I can't even pause, no matter how badly I wanted to. Please. We are not robots.
• My Doctor's intent to resign. She isn't liking the changes and she just couldn't sit and watch while many of us suffer. I admired her before because of her open mind about lots of issues, but now I even love her more, for being an advocate of not only her fellow physicians, but of us, nurses as well.  I kept praying she would have a change of heart.
• Doctor M's official resignation.  She told me first thing in the morning yesterday, before our duty started.  I cried, and so did my colleagues from the department.  I told her she was the best Head of Department we've ever had, and I meant it.  
• The rest of the doctors' resignation.  The day my doctor resigned, we learned 19 other physicians also resigned.  Most of them, already known across the emirate.  I hope the management sees that something is seriously wrong about this. 
• Tiring. There's no other word for it.  God did let me rest, that was why I had to be quarantined for so long.  He knew I would need it.  I feel like fatigue is my friend already. Or am I just getting old?
• Vaccination clinic.  Had a one week stint in vaccination, when Dr. M took her leave.  It was a nice relief from my usual routine. It was equally, physically exhausting.  Due to lack of staff, I had to do the injecting and documentation all by myself.  I even got needle pricked, as I was about to discard one syringe. More than a decade of practice, and I suddenly experienced it.  My nerdy self was activated.  What should I do? Immediately washed my hands with soap. Reported to immediate superior. Superior reported to Infection Control. Made an incident report. Had my blood sampled for testing. I couldn't sleep the whole night, praying that my blood tests would be fine the following day.  All was good.  Need to get tested after the third and sixth month just to be sure.  Fortunately for me, our infection control have clear guidelines and protocols that are being strictly followed, so I felt protected somehow. 

Why all these in bullets? Let's say my thoughts are in jumbles, because apparently, my life is the same.  I don't know what step to take after everything that had happened.  Everyone dear to me, friends turned family, are leaving.  Should I leave too? Maybe the next few days, I will have an answer.  For now, I will keep walking by faith, as how it always is for me, when I am lost.