A forgotten backstory

 Because Spotify randomly played a song I haven't heard for a long time...

It took me back to one night in 2007. 

Dad gave me a ride, because it was the only way he could be sure I would arrive at my destination safe.  Was on the way to a hospital in Manila for night duty, I was still on my nursing student years.  The drive from Navy Village where we lived at the time, didn't take that long. I just remember Gwen Stefani's song blasting in the background.  I was trying my best to keep my cool so dad would not notice, that I was almost out of my wits... with all the confusion eating me up inside.  We took a left turn in Quirino Avenue from Osmena Highway, and I was so uncertain of what I should do. 

"Meet me downstairs before you come up to the 8th floor. " The text message said. 

Why should I? Was he for real? Was he even in Manila? I was well aware their group was supposed to be in Pasay. Why would he still be in Manila at such an hour? Did he plan not to go home? How can I meet him when my dad was dropping me off? What would I say to dad when he asked me who that person is? What would my groupmates think of it? 

I couldn't possibly! Well, I didn't say yes, so I went straight to the 8th floor. 

Before our duty officially started, there was a bit of commotion, because apparently, my groupmates saw him by the entrance.  Waiting, they assumed, for one of our groupmates, who was his old flame.  The topic lasted the whole night, and the teasing seemed to go on forever. 

I didn't know what to make of it.  I was always the quiet one, and I couldn't bring myself to say, actually he was waiting for me.  So that night, I kind of bailed on him.   

Everything went by like a blur after that night.  The culmination of it all, would be a confrontation in the cafeteria, between me and our Clinical Instructor, with some of our classmates as witnesses.  They asked me about the real score between him and me. 

I couldn't give our CI an answer, because I was so clueless about what he felt, or of what he was trying to imply.  Everything about him was a cloud of incertitude.  

I guess some things never change. 

~o0o~

More than a decade of knowing you, 

and yet we still find ourselves here... 

at the edge of the road of indecisions. 

We walked for a long time together, 

until you let go of my hand, 

when you kept promising you never would.

We walked different paths. 

I made sure to never concern myself with your side of the road,  

as I've got my own track to tread. 

What the heck? 

What is your intent, walking by my side again? 

when I have long learned to trudge on my own. 

A bolt from the blue

 Can I just say I am speechless? 

I've been praying and meditating the whole day.  Gave myself some self love by listening to empowering podcasts.  That I made it through this day keeping my calm, is a blessing itself. I could feel a pending anxiety attack, but I think the praying worked. Thank You Lord for your mercy. 

Out of the blue, I heard from someone unexpected... lo and behold, the person bore good news! The last time I heard from him, he was not in such a good state.  He didn't know where he would get encouragement, and knowing me from years back, he remembered I always gave some sound advices/comments.  Anyway, he was much better now.  Good for him. The plan that he had a year ago, had come to fruition. It's always inspiring to hear stories like that. 

I scrolled back to our last conversation, and I can only laugh at how consistent I've been, when it comes to moving on. I read what I wrote: "You wanna know the very first thing I did para maging okay ako? I had to forgive him wholeheartedly... para sa sarili ko, not for him."

 This made me scroll down to my chat with a cousin's ex-girlfriend, and this is what I told her: 

 " I am not saying this because it is easy for me to say. I learned from my experience, that I will never heal if I don't forgive the one who hurt me. When I did, everything just felt lighter after.  Forgiving is difficult, but sometimes, you do it, not for the person who hurt you. You do it for yourself." 

It's true though.  Forgiveness is indeed a gift, you give yourself. Forgetting, however, is a different matter. 

Anyway, I can't put into words, how our conversation flowed... but I just gave him a gist of what I am currently going through.  I appreciated his way of boosting my morale. It just really surprised me that he kept bringing up references from our past.  I meant, the years we spent together working at the same hospital.  We were shift-mates for a month in Medical ward. Wait... maybe it was three months? I don't remember anymore.  What really came as a shock was how he casually came to a revelation, and I didn't know how to react. Didn't know what to say. 

I mean, really? How come I did not know? I didn't even feel? Didn't even get a clue? Really? Was I really that apathetic, that I didn't notice?  I think he didn't really try to let me know. Because everyone's comments about me were similar.  That I give off an aura of pushing people away.  Like there is this wall around me with a sign saying: DON'T EVEN TRY. IDGAF.

One senior nurse of ours just flashed in my mind.  She would always be pissed at me, because every time she would successfully humiliate me (like 9 out of 10, it really was not my fault. She does that because I am my father's daughter, and she didn't think I deserved to be there), I would stand there, take everything in, and look the same. I wouldn't even flinch. I would cry after, but never in the moment.  I never gave her the satisfaction, by letting her see me cry.  Maybe, most of them thought, wala ako pake. kase anak ako ng tatay ko, kase anak ako ng diyos. They would always say that. I would hear about it from concerned people.  I think my confidence was shattered because of it.  It took me years, before I started believing I could achieve things on my own...  Without dad's influence to back me up.  Ang random e noh? I just had to vent that out. Haha!

It's making me realize how impassive I must have come off to people.  My RBF probably made it worse. Haha! Good to know my friend still had something good to say in spite of my blunt affect. 

It just caught me by surprise. That is all. 

Maybe something is really wrong with me.  And it's not just my resting bitch face. 

Out with it

Have been sick the week that passed, and was sleeping most of my time away, so now, on a Friday night, with congested nose, teary eyes and all... I am wide awake, so I will just write what I've been meaning to write. 

Had a good conversation with an old friend of mine, I think three weeks back. Wonderwall, (we would call each other that, because we used to sing and ponder on Oasis' "Wonderwall") poured her heart out.  It took me back to the times when we used to engage in "unli" Wednesdays... we would just exchange our musings through text messages, all under, or exactly in 160 characters! Haha! We would talk about anything under the sun.  Ww was always vocal about what she felt, and I would share my feelings too. 

 Looking back now, it all the more reminded me that time is really passing by. Our life issues were so simple... the things we called problems, during our more youthful days, all seem funny now.  Adulting really transforms you into someone you never expect you'd be. 

Back to Ww sharing her personal struggles, I was so touched because she chose to open up to me.  The last time we saw each other was 2017.  Over the years, our busy lives got in the way of our constant communication, but with true friends, no matter how long you don't talk with or see each other, you just know nothing will change. 

I knew that her special admission was hard for her to do, but at that moment, she needed someone.  Coincidentally, I had the chance to be there for her.  I may not always have the right answers, but sometimes, just being there for a friend also helps me.  I was so grateful I came upon that chance.  Maybe she thinks I was there for her, but no, she was there for me.  I learned so many things from our conversation, and I know some would find it weird, but I felt God talking to me through her.   

God have always given me the people that I need. That night that we talked, the person came in the guise of a friend, who was in need of a friend.  Our talks of the heart did not end there, we would chat for some nights more, thus, the exchange of musings once more, but heavier thoughts this time around.  

When it was my turn to tell her about my current crosses in life, she did not disappoint. I always appreciate an objective friend. One who would tell me what I needed to hear, and not what I wanted to hear.  Ww gave me that.  In the end, her words made me cry, because I felt God's reassurance, that I was loved. I am loved.  Even with all my hurts, and other people's judgement against me, everything would always come to: "Love is love." Quoting Ww.  

I was once again reminded of the lesson I learned over the course of the pandemic... that life is fleeting.  I should not waste my time being judgmental of others, even to the ones who hurt me, because maybe, they are hurting too. Reiterating to myself to choose kindness, understanding, forgiveness and spreading love, no matter how little they may seem to be. I will add one more to the list... because I seem to have forgotten what helped me make it through all my pain... I should always choose to be thankful too. 

I now know what have helped me get through my heartbreak.  It was because I was just thankful I was alive each day that I found myself awake.  I would thank God for the long hours that I slept my pain away.  I would thank Him for the winter breeze that made my insides froze.  I would thank Him for the songs that soothed my heart. I was thankful for my pole classes that really kickstarted my moving on.  I was thankful for dragon boat, because it opened a lot of avenues for my self discovery. 

One lesson leads to another. So my conversation with Ww, made me think of people who resurfaced in my life again.  Since I am pouring my heart out too, might as well be done with it. 

Here are the things that I am thankful for at the moment: 

• For hearing her side of the story.  She might have hurt me, but she was hurting too.  Again, I should pass no judgment.  I hurt her too, maybe not intentionally, but I still hurt her.  I hope she won't waste her emotions on me anymore, because I can tell her, it just would not be worth it.  At least I know where she was coming from.  She may never know how it felt for me, because she seem to not have a clue about my side of the story, but it's okay. Some things are best left in the dark.  I don't want to add more to her hurts.  I hope she finds it in her heart to forgive me too.  I know it's futile to say that I already let them be a long time ago, and that I never expected that I would be the cause of her troubles.  I was just living my life, trying to find happiness in my solitude.  I didn't know about their plans, and I honestly didn't care anymore. It was none of my business, so to speak.  
• For having the courage to ask him to confront himself.  I may have not figured out what I want in my life, but I am pretty sure of the things that I do not want.  I do not want someone who can't take me for who I am.  I am not clingy, I am not needy, I am too strong and independent.  I learned how to be, because I had to, in order to survive the life I chose to live.  There are many things that I lack, but never question the way I love... and never accuse me of the things I never did, and would never do.  
• For getting sick this week.  It's an awful way to rest, but hey, it was still rest.  It meant I had more time for sleeping.  My heart was torn, because I knew my colleagues were suffering, but still thankful they were able to manage it. 
• For my heart to heart talk with Dr. M last week.  I am like her in a lot of ways. Maybe that is why we get along so well. Even though our days together are numbered, at least I felt that this person really has my best interest at heart.  I hope I would be successful in holding myself together when her last day at work comes.  My designation would be bleak after she leaves... maybe they would terminate me, or assign me in a different area. We'll see.  God will lead me to where I need to be.  
• For deciding to attend last week's water training.  My soul needed it, and my heart knew it too. ☺I think the hard training was the reason why I had vertigo, and why I had my current flu.  After training, I had dinner with my paddle sisters, I was damp and feeling cold and did not shower. I opted to rinse off at home.  Aside from the transitioning of the weather (numerous sandstorms this week too), I think that was the reason why I caught a bad cold.  
• Speaking of weather change, I am thankful for the not so hot air.  I tried running, Friday last week, and I found it delightful! Minus all the heaviness of my weight though. haha! I need to get back to running, because my teammates and I are joining another run come this November.  Thank God for giving me people who are into fitness!  
• For Ww... who's got my back no matter how stubborn I am sometimes.  For reminding me that all is fair in love. For her analogy of my situation, being compared to a last minute basketball game. That was hilarious! Food for thought, just the same.  For her found love, making her feel all the warm fuzzies.  💜
• For my colleagues... for always working as a team.  No competition, just helping each other survive one duty after another. I love them to bits.  I miss those who left, but it all the more made me appreciate the ones who are still with me.  
• For my paddle sisters.  I never expected I would be bonding with them the way I am bonding with them now.  They are kind enough to always include me in their plans. Maybe because they know I am always by myself? haha!
• For my family and few true friends who make me feel loved.  I may stumble and make mistakes again and again, but their love would always keep healing me.  Enough for me to keep choosing to live one more day.

Thank You God for Your saving grace.  Please forgive me for the times that I forget to be thankful.  During one of my most trying times, You made it clear to me that I should stop asking why... I just need to begin again.  Thank You for teaching me to give closure to myself.  Knowing that I did not need it coming from anyone else but You, my heart is satisfied.  Again, thank You for always giving the people that I need.  They may come as someone who gives me pain, but You know better, I need to feel pain too.  It is through all my pain that I am pushed to try to be kind.  Thank You for always humbling me.  Thank You for always holding my hand.  Even now, that I am in the brink of giving up, I can feel Your grasp, reminding me to hold on.  I trust you Lord.  Time and time again, You have shown Your faithfulness, so I will let go if it is Your will for me to let go... again.  What is for me, will never miss me, no matter how life keeps getting in the way.  I have my faith in that.  Your love alone suffices. 

"When the oceans rise, and thunders roar, 

I will soar with You above the storm. 

Father You are King over the flood, 

I will be still, know You are God. "

-Still, Hillsong

Momentary Jiggle

My quarantine days. 

• It came quite as a shock.  Well, I always thought I would be prepared, but it turned out different, when it finally hit. 
• God allowed me to rest. He gave me too long, a break from work.  I was only able to come to work for five days, for the whole month of July. Five days! How crazy was that? Thank God my salary was not reduced. Then came August, I have not even lasted for four days... I had to be quarantined again!

Had to wear this tracker/smartwatch during my quarantine days.
This is used to track the position or location of the person wearing it.  You can't leave the promises while you have it on, otherwise, the consequences will be dire. 
The fine is half a year worth of my salary.   

• Had no choice but to skip paddling/water training.  Can't wait to get back to it soon. 
• Spent most of my time with Cordy. 💓☺ I was and still am, so addicted! 

https://drive.google.com/file/d/1WflOXsk3DKkWn3CSKm0WjlC0yCuH7LdR/view?usp=sharing

• Was consumed with guilt, as my colleagues suffered from lack of manpower.  They had to assist my doctor, who has a knack of doing procedures even though she got tons of other patients to see.  They would always mention in the group chat at the end of the day, that they were not able to eat or take their break. (Now they know how it is like for me, almost everyday of my duty life).  Felt terribly sorry for them though.  

My anxiety

• It has gotten worse. There were times when I was so sure I was going to die.  
• There is this darkness which seems to swallow me... literally.  
• Uncomfortable pounding of my temples, accompanied by the ringing inside my ears. 
• Palpitations. 
• Tightening of my chest. 
• Things that helped relieve it a little: meditation, drinking wine, taking long showers, curling up in a fetal position on bed, deep breathing, crying it out... and sleeping it away (oh no... not again).  

Getting back to work 

• Company restructuring. This isn't Grey's Anatomy, but it felt like it.  You know the season where a merger happened between Mercy West and Seattle Grace? It sucked to have witnessed something like it in real life.
• Disheartening. The pending termination of my colleagues made me feel demotivated.  I didn't know how we would ever manage without them. Fast forward to two weeks after they were gone, there were times that I couldn't speak anymore.  My frustration would always be brushed aside, because I had to attend to more important matters.  At times when it gets so vexing, I can't even pause, no matter how badly I wanted to. Please. We are not robots.
• My Doctor's intent to resign. She isn't liking the changes and she just couldn't sit and watch while many of us suffer. I admired her before because of her open mind about lots of issues, but now I even love her more, for being an advocate of not only her fellow physicians, but of us, nurses as well.  I kept praying she would have a change of heart.
• Doctor M's official resignation.  She told me first thing in the morning yesterday, before our duty started.  I cried, and so did my colleagues from the department.  I told her she was the best Head of Department we've ever had, and I meant it.  
• The rest of the doctors' resignation.  The day my doctor resigned, we learned 19 other physicians also resigned.  Most of them, already known across the emirate.  I hope the management sees that something is seriously wrong about this. 
• Tiring. There's no other word for it.  God did let me rest, that was why I had to be quarantined for so long.  He knew I would need it.  I feel like fatigue is my friend already. Or am I just getting old?
• Vaccination clinic.  Had a one week stint in vaccination, when Dr. M took her leave.  It was a nice relief from my usual routine. It was equally, physically exhausting.  Due to lack of staff, I had to do the injecting and documentation all by myself.  I even got needle pricked, as I was about to discard one syringe. More than a decade of practice, and I suddenly experienced it.  My nerdy self was activated.  What should I do? Immediately washed my hands with soap. Reported to immediate superior. Superior reported to Infection Control. Made an incident report. Had my blood sampled for testing. I couldn't sleep the whole night, praying that my blood tests would be fine the following day.  All was good.  Need to get tested after the third and sixth month just to be sure.  Fortunately for me, our infection control have clear guidelines and protocols that are being strictly followed, so I felt protected somehow. 

Why all these in bullets? Let's say my thoughts are in jumbles, because apparently, my life is the same.  I don't know what step to take after everything that had happened.  Everyone dear to me, friends turned family, are leaving.  Should I leave too? Maybe the next few days, I will have an answer.  For now, I will keep walking by faith, as how it always is for me, when I am lost.  

Of kindness and regrets

I took a photo of our table in Cafe Mary Grace, sometime in December of 2017. 

"When I remember people who hurt me, this piece of thought always gives me comfort.  Just a little reminder that I should not regret giving away sincere kindness even to those who did not deserve it." -said my 2018 self. 

I kept this photo in my gallery, because it always consoles me, every time I find myself wasting my act of goodwill on someone.  Today, I needed to have a look at it again.  

I am not saying outright that I am a kind person, but I try my best to be.  God has been very consistent in giving me the people that I need.  One friend I met here in UAE, is a testament of that.  She's the one who helped me overcome my annoyance towards harmless things.  Over the years, being her friend led me to discover how being kind, is good for my heart.   Also, having been changed by the events of the past year, I couldn't care less anymore, if some would just take my kindness, as weakness. 

The point of this post? 

I am trying to be kind to myself too. Every time I make a mistake, the one who beats me up hard the most, is myself.  

I have been naive, for thinking, somehow, a certain someone would think, the way I think... would feel, the way I feel... would believe, in what I believe in.  I chose to ignore the warnings my friends gave me, but now I know better.  Let this be a great lesson for me. 

I remember what Mom used to say to me... " Hindi bale kung hindi sila tunay na mabait sayo, basta ikaw, alam mong naging mabait ka sa kanila. Hindi bale, kung hindi talaga sila nangangailangan, basta ikaw tumulong ng walang pagaalinlangan. Wala kang pagsisihan pagdating sa huli." 

How right my Mom was.  

 

Sugat na hindi naghihilom

Ano nga ba ang nararapat gawin? 

Lumalalim na ang gabi, 

ngunit hindi mapigilan ang paguusisa sa sarili. 

Tila hindi na matatapos itong panaghoy na dulot mo. 

Kailan natin tatanggapin ang wakas? 

Aantayin bang maubos lahat ng ating lakas?

Marahil ay tunay na hibang...

matiwasay ang puso, 

sa bawat harok mong mapayapa rin. 

Hindi ka nga ba manghihinawa? 

Sa kasalukuyan nating kinatatayuan, 

na tayong dalawa rin ang may sala?

Kailan ka ba susuko? 

Kapag ba nalaman mong wala nang atrasan ang lahat ng ito? 

Hindi kailan man, 

na magagawa kong kunin ang ngayon mo lamang natagpuan. 

Ilang beses ba kita kailangan pakawalan? 

Hindi na mabilang ang pagpapalaya sa iyo, 

ng buong puso, walang halong hinanakit at panibugho. 

Saan ka kumukuha ng puwersa, 

at patuloy ka sa pagtangnan?

Hindi mo pa rin ba nakikita? 

Ikaw din ay lubusang nasasaktan na. 

Hindi maitatago ng kahit anong masayang awitin, 

ang tunay na sigaw ng mga damdamin...

Hanggang kailan ba natin ito kakayanin?

Paulit ulit nang tinatamaan, 

nababalatan, 

nagdurugo,

ang pinsalang hatid ay walang ganap,

mga luha ay hindi nauubos.

Tayong dalawa...

ay tulad ng isang sugat na walang lunas. 

Easy

I can't even begin to tell what took place the last few days.  

Truly, there are just days when life throws you curveballs. CURVEBALLS. Plural. Why did it have to be so many mishaps at the same time? Why, oh why, is adulting tremendously hard sometimes? 

It was too overwhelming for me.  I think I was well on my way to having a mental breakdown.  The situation at work is driving me nuts!  There were just too many bad news coming, one after another.  I struggled to hold myself together. 

One of my bestfriends reminded me, that it's okay to give in to my emotions once in a while. That I don't need to try so hard to be tough. 

That gave me an astonishing peace and calm.  

:Easy-han lang natin. Kalma lang.:

One of my co-paddlers from my former team would always tell me that. She's right.  I should take it easy.  Whatever will be, will be.  I need not try so hard. 

"You are excellent Krishna, and you don't need anyone to tell you that." Quoting my beloved doctor, who always have good things to say about me.  I am deeply touched by how she appreciates the way I work. What she said is an affirmation that I don't suck at my job.  

 

Reiterating to myself: don't try so hard Krish. Take it easy. Just do you. Life gets surprising the more you keep it simple.  Refrain from overthinking, express yourself more unambiguously (practicing with this one, because apparently, people find me hard to read!) , laugh more often, and care less for people who wishes ill things for you! It will all the more infuriate them to see you happy, despite the problems they stirred for you.  

:Stars don't try to shine, they just do.: 

Need I say more? 😉

When Life Happens

Cordy's night of bequeathal.
📸 Norman Espayos

Nothing is coincidence.  Even all the infinitesimal incidentals. 

Yesterday, I did not have anything planned, for my day off. (Well, week off). I just wanted to rest, and take time off from everything that was stressing me out, for the past weeks. I was resolved to just let things happen. I was grateful for the time alone.  I was thankful for being able to freely breathe, being comfortable by my lonesome. 

I was invited to attend my roommate's nephew's intimate birthday celebration. With lack of nothing to do, I decided to go. That would mean free food yow! Haha! Of course I would go.  Not wanting to be attached to my recent state of affairs, I was trying my best to distract my mind, and was successfully  focusing my attention, to what was in front of me... and not to what was missing. 

Then came the exchange of messages, in the group chat with the pole friends.  One of my pole sisters, Caress, was giving away her Tenor ukulele, and she was asking who would be interested to adopt Cordy.  I promptly claimed it as mine.  I have been planning on buying a uke of my own, but I haven't had the time, to look for decent one.   It was like heaven was speaking to me, nudging me to take hold of it, as soon as it is allowed.  

I had to leave the party. I promised my roommate, I would return, in time for the arrival of the rest of our roomies.  (Tequila shots were waiting).  I excitedly charged to Caress' and her hubby's flat, and so, I was able to take hold of Cordy, for the first time.  You know the happiness I felt? I knew it/he/Cordy was meant for me.  My heart was complacently beating, and I had that familiar, jubilant stomach butterflies. 

I was not planning to stay long, because I wanted preggy Caress to enjoy the rest of her day off as well. As always, with friends not having seen each other for a period of time, we had so much to catch up on.  Caress, being the straightforward person that she always is, asked me about my nonexistent other side of life, and the person involved in it.  I told her what recently took place, which had a considerable impact on me, and what ensued thereafter.  It was my first time to be in a conversation, with her husband Norman.  He was surprisingly, patient to my shallow whims. The two were both younger than me, but their wisdom about love, and life, knows no age.  I love how Norman boldly stated what he thought, and I appreciated his unsolicited advice.  

What took me by surprise was that, when I was about to leave, Norman insisted that they pray for me.  I did not expect that.  I was deeply touched by the impromptu pray over, and I was trying to hold back my tears.  I felt the earnestness in his prayer, and for a moment, I asked if I deserved it... I kind of knew in that instant, that I was meant to be at the place, because what Norman had to say, was something I needed to hear.  I felt God's grace once again.  Truly Lord, Your grace abounds. 

I am afraid to let my heart have what it desires.  I am unsure of what it wants... but I am lifting everything up to God.  If it will be my destruction, I trust that He will not allow it... and if it will be for the betterment of my soul, then I hope what I set my heart on, will be given to me.  If God wills it.  

Thank you to the couple Caress and Norman for entrusting Cordy to me... and for making me feel God's love, through your kindness.  This heart of mine, felt a little more brave, to take on what life has to give.  

Can't wait to create memories with you Cordy.  Welcome to your new home. I'll take care of you. 

#faithfulGodforever #scorpiosisterhood 

Yakap

And we're back! The bugsay mates all happy to be paddling again. ☺ 

"Ako ay nagbalik, at muli kang nasilayan.  Hindi na 'ko muli pang lilisan.  Dahil kung ikaw ang yakap ko, parang yakap ko ang langit, at yakap ko pati ang iyong ngiti." 

-Junior

        The song "Yakap" by Junior, instantly became the theme song of the night.  Though we couldn't give each other hugs, like we used to, the genuine happiness that emanated from each and every paddler, was enough to warm our hearts.  

        The long wait is now over.  We are officially back to paddling again.  The first water training night was gruesome. Our coach, however inspirational he may be,  didn't show us mercy.  After more than a year of no training, the drills he made us do, almost made my soul leave my body.  We were all adjusting to the proper form again.  It was frustrating to realize how much weight we all gained.  The boat felt so heavy, plus the fact that it cannot be filled to its full capacity, because of social distancing protocols. It felt weird to have no partner facing you. A bit sad, but we have two boats to utilize now.  Oh what fun it was... competing against each other! I love how no one from our team has temper tantrums.  

        It was another energy draining day at work. We were so busy, it was a functional mess, being under staffed, that I was only able to steal a few minutes, to eat a piece of chicken.  It was almost 4 pm that day, and I have not yet peed.  (Crossing my fingers that my kidneys would not suffer in the future because of this).  I was having second thoughts if I should go or not.  I was not prepared. It is best to load on carbs before our trainings, because we would need the energy.  It should be at least 2 hours before the session, because you also cannot paddle when you are too full. It will make you puke!😂 Our training ground is now in a different location, and I had no idea how to navigate my way to the place.  My worrisome self was getting the best of me again... but I guess what is meant to happen will happen.  Things just fall into place when you least expect them to.  One of my teammates messaged me, and just like that, I had a free ride! (Thank You Lord, I always get by, because of Your grace.)

Not so obvious that I couldn't contain my eagerness to get on the boat. 😁

First day/night back (17th of June)

        At the end of the night, our bodies were protesting because of the immediate muscle pain.  Yes, no kidding.  The soreness was felt instantaneously.  Even during the drills, just trying to extend the arm for a longer reach, oh what agony! But such a sweet torment it was! The one that we all missed. And of course, the paddler's curse, (paltos) blisters... on the ribs, under the axillae, and on the butt cheeks!😆 I can't say I missed them, but yeah, welcome back to them too. You know what, I don't regret going.  My heart was in such bliss! 

        I struggled at first to get my breathing rhythm right.  I expected that...  I lost my endurance because of the lack of training over the past year, but I am proud that not once, did I stop. At hindi ako sumawsaw! I gave it my all. Susuka, pero hindi susuko! Grabe asaran sa bangka, there was one instance, they were gossiping about me, and I couldn't even talk back, because I didn't want to disrupt my breathing! I missed all the friendly banters.  After all this time, you can still feel the love.  All the physical afflictions brought about by our training, were all worth it.  There is this peace, that only paddling can give.  

24th of June attendance photo

        I could not remember the last time I felt that joyful.  While every little bit of me ached, I knew I had a reason to keep celebrating my life.  Over the course of the pandemic, I felt like the typical OFW, who always had no one to rely on, but herself.  I went home, my soul filled with renewed hope.  My life is suddenly not so bad again.  

        Truly, I am blessed to have such kind hearted captains and teammates.  Their goodness is profoundly contagious.  Every moment spent with them, changes me into a better version of myself.   

"Tough times don't last, tough teams do." 

To my dragon boat family, I am grateful for all that you've done for me.  You are all a great part of my healing.  Waiting for the day that I can embrace each one of you again.  

Sagwan ready! 

#howpaddlinghealedmybrokenheart #ilovedaman #dragonboatchronicles

        

 

 Sometime in April 2018. 

While waiting for the boat to come back, during one of our water training nights, I sat quietly on the grass of our training ground. 

I just finished with pulling the sack of sand, some of my batchmates (we were the newbies at the time), were already at the shore, waiting for their turn to have a seat on the boat. 

I asked myself what am I doing this for? 

I wanted to fade away because of exhaustion. Then and there, I just wanted to sleep, and not feel anything. I dread the coming turn for me to paddle. I worry about not being able to keep up with the pace. I was so anxious to have my name being called out again, because like everything else at the time, I couldn't seem to get anything right.  Silent hysteria, it was. My arms hurt so bad because of poling the previous night, where did I gather all the guts to show up for dragon boat that night? 

Much as I was afraid of letting my teammates down, I knew there would be something about paddling that would satisfy me.  I took this photo of the sky. Yep, how exquisite, our training ground was.  I have always been a person, who is so in touch with her feelings, and so, looking up and seeing the moon like that, I knew I would write about it, when I got home, and I really did. In the midst of my agitation, because of a recent incident, the moon brought back my calm. In spite of all my solicitude, I was glad that I came.  Paddling my heart out, with the moon extra shining bright... it was perfect.  

I remembered going home, feeling light hearted. Wrote this before I passed out on my trusty bed.  

It was that night, that something changed in me.  The question that I asked... I had an answer to it. 

I was, and still am... because I let me be. Looking back now, I guess that was how I wanted it to be.  I think this is how I want it, 'till now. I am so twisted! It was then that I learned the power of keeping the faith in something, while being detached of the outcome.  I was also learning how to judge less... people are just forced to do everything they can to survive life. 

Hence this Haiku. No tainted flags.☺

* Found my musings while skimming through forgotten files. Photos of beautiful Abu Dhabi taken by me. I posted most of these on Ig. The heart writes what it wants to write.

Pilipinas kong mahal,

Katulad mo ang isang nawalay na pag-ibig.

Sa tinagal tagal ng pagkakalayo sayo, ako ay nangungulila pa rin.
Sa lahat ng kaguluhang kinasasangkutan mo ngayon, paminsan kay hirap mong mahalin.

Gayun pa man, ikaw ang aking lupang sinilangan.
Ang aking pagmamahal at katapatan sa iyo, ay magpakailanman.

Batid ko na ako'y nagkulang sa pagpapahalaga sa taglay mong kagandahan. Paumanhin Pinas... para sa akin ay wala kang katulad. Noon ay hindi ko nagawang maisapuso ng husto ang liriko ng iyong pambansang awit. Ngayong ako ay nasa ibang bayan, bawat salita nito ay tumatagos sa aking puso. Isa ito sa pinakamagandang liham ng pag-ibig na nabasa ko.

"BUHAY AY LANGIT SA PILING MO."

Tunay Pilipinas... saan man ako dalhin ng buhay, hindi pa din maipagkakaila ang aking pinanggalingan. Dahil sa iyo, ako ay may pagkakakilanlan. Kahit anong mangyari, ikaw ay paulit ulit kong babalikan.

Ang larawang ito ang patunay sa ligayang dulot mo sa akin. Matanaw ka lang sa himpapawid, anong kapanatagan sa akin ay hatid. Patuloy akong magdarasal, at matiyagang aantayin ang araw na masisilayan kang muli.

Maligayang araw ng kasarinlan! Mabuhay ka! Mahal na mahal kita.

#tagalog #cebuano #muntinlupeño #moalboalanon #Pilipino #philippineindependenceday

 

A letter I will never send

 Dear You, 

I am in such low spirits. I couldn't sleep because I am too bothered by what transpired this day. 

I know I shouldn't let my vulnerability get the best of me, but I could really use a friend right now.  I also know that I shouldn't need you...  but needless to say, you were the one I thought of.  I remember you said, I could talk to you whenever I feel down. Who are we kidding? Looking back now, every time that I felt my life was falling apart, you were the cause, or you were never there.  So why need you now?

I only have myself to blame.  The past recent weeks, I let you in my life again.  I knew it was dangerous.  I was so sure of myself, that I am more than okay now... that I could handle it.  I can say that I managed my feelings very well.  It's just that today, things were too much for me to take.  In that past weeks that we've been communicating, it felt like I found a long, lost friend.  We had so much to catch up on.  Although there are many things unresolved between us, I am happy with the life you were able to build... proud of what you've become.  

I remember myself telling you, you shouldn't be needing me.  Now that I am feeling this way... this wanting to vent out to you, I find, that I could identify myself with you.  This must be how you were feeling back then... when you lost your friend and you desperately needed to feel comforted.  

The last time we conversed... you said, unlike me... I have many friends that I can talk to, can open myself up to.  Yes, I have many friends... but you know what... that doesn't mean I can always talk to them about what's bothering me.  In my years of living away from home, most of the time, when I am deeply troubled, I just keep things to myself. I don't want the people around me to absorb my negativity so I shut myself out.  To tell you the truth, I have just gotten so used to being alone... but right now, I feel so alone. Like, I only know myself, and everyone around me are strangers kind of alone.Please don't assume things are so easy for me.  This is how it has been for me for the longest time.  I hurt by myself. Pour out my cries in my prayers so I wouldn't be a burden to someone else.  God only knows how hard I try to hold myself together, for the sake of my sanity.  

Maybe it was a really bad day, but like I said, I could really use a friend right now.  Like most of my days here, I know I have to endure this alone.  You, never being there when I need you, is not something new.  I know deep in my heart that I should not be needing you now.  Please just know that I am grateful for our friendly conversations the past weeks.  My heart felt good that I could see you, and treat you as a friend... after all, you were my best friend for almost seven years.  

I know you to be a person who was never good in dealing with goodbyes... so it was always me, who was saying goodbye.  How many times have I tried?

We probably will not talk with each other again.  Letting you in, must have made it harder for you to figure out what you want in your life.  It was never my intention to confuse you in any way.  I sincerely was not trying to hold a grudge, because with everything happening all over the world, it is making me realize that life is short, so I should start living my life giving kindness, understanding, forgiveness and love.

I still see you in my dreams.  I believe those dreams are God's way of reminding me why we shouldn't be part of each other's lives.  I always see how good your life is without me.  I don't want to take that away from you.  You said it yourself, you're in a good place right now.  Thoughts of me were just bothering you, that is why you were feeling, the way you were feeling. 

Please don't dwell on it anymore.  I always say this because it's true... you have everything that you need.  Don't take the people you love, and who love you, for granted.  Please keep that in your mind and heart.

I know when the night passes, my being weak will come to pass.  It's always like this for me... I would find myself the next day, alive and still breathing.  It's the only thing that matters to me for the past four years... that I am alive everyday.  I may not know why and what for... but that's all that matters.  

I am happy for you.  Please don't confuse yourself with thoughts about me anymore.  I have long accepted, that things between us, can't go back to the way they were before.  Continue building and living your dreams.  I will be rooting for you silently, from far away.  

Funny how after all this time, my heart still aches... although it does not bleed anymore.  I am sorry we turned out this way.  I just know I will never be enough for you.  You don't deserve someone like me, who has given up on herself. 

I guess this time, it really is goodbye.  

Sincerely, 

A stranger from your past.

Paddling in my mind

I am so bored to death.

I am not in the mood to watch any movie or series in Netflix. I just want to paddle and be happy.

Did I not tell you how paddling healed me?

In my world full of entitled people... paddling is the only thing that is probably keeping me sane. Maybe some time, I will share how it helped me mend my broken heart. 😊😊😊

I am ranting because our water trainings are cancelled. We are forbidden... the whole of UAE is taking precaution because of the Novel Corona Virus scare.  All the sports events for the next three months were cancelled. Including all our dragon boat races for the rest of the season.  Well, they used the word "postponed"... we are waiting for the day that they would finally lift the training ban.  We are advised not to hold any large gatherings as well.

I can run, but that's not what my body wants. I want to paddle!!!

SIGH.

I don't think I can live without paddling anymore.  At this point in my life, I am so unsure about everything... my future, my dreams, and my plans. The only thing I am sure of is that I don't want to stop paddling yet.  For the longest time, I don't want to leave this country because it seemed like paddling is the only thing I am living for.

SIGH... these sighs will go on tonight until sleep finally comes and takes me away to dreamland.

I miss how paddling makes me feel tired but very satisfied. I miss my teammates who always make me feel life is not at all that bad (I💖DAMAN). I will lull myself to sleep by watching our water training videos.  The sound of the paddles hitting and digging in the waters have become such a comfort.

So where do I go from here? What will I do when the time comes that I have to give paddling up?

I shudder at the thought. Not yet. I am not yet ready.

NCov please go away, and let all the paddlers play.

Three Sundays and Nine Candles

This is how it goes for me.

I still go to church no matter how hopeless I feel. I found that it is still my best sanctuary. Something about it gives me comfort, even in my being alone. 

My crying days are over, but once in a while, when I would pray, my tears would pour out on their own. I don't know what I truly feel. 

After mass, I would drown in my own world of musings.  Pay three dirhams for three tea candles. 

Offer a prayer for each of them. Hoping against hope God would hear whatever it is my heart desires. Honestly, I don't know anymore. 

Three Sundays had passed, and I stood there not knowing what to say.

Is there anything I should ask for?

I don't think what I have been praying for is what God wants for me.

Is this giving up?  Or shall I call this faith? That despite the uncertainty I feel, I just keep on living, knowing things will get better eventually.

I stopped asking for what I want... because I don't know what I want anymore. I am afraid to ask because I do not trust my choices. 

One candle for all the people I promised I would pray for.

Another candle for all the broken hearted and lost souls trying to find their way home.

One for all I know who are in dire need of physical healing.

Fourth, for all those whom I have hurt.

Fifth, for all those who hurt me.

Sixth, for the people I have taken for granted.

Seventh, for my loved ones. That they may live longer than I.

Eighth, for all those who can't protect themselves from emotional and physical abuse.

Ninth... for those who I care about silently.  That while they feel they need me, I know it's best that I care for them from a distance.

This is how it goes for me.  Each and every time I go to my true sanctuary.  I feel like I don't have the right to ask for myself anymore... because I don't know what I truly want to start with. 

Uncertainty

So here I am... wide awake at the wee hours of the morning. I have to start preparing myself for work in a few hours. I have to get up and start living again, so help me God.

How long has it been since I last wrote something?

I stopped writing... because I promised myself I will not write about a certain person ever again.

Here I am... resisting all the urge to write, but what else can I do? :'(

The year is about the end. Am I happier?

The answer: I really do not know.

I guess this is just how it is... after having your greatest dreams destroyed. I have long stopped trying to rewrite my dreams. I honestly lost all the will to dream. I feel like I can die at any given time and I will be good to go.

I lost my greatest love a year ago. He found someone new to love and wanted me out of his life. It was like I was trash that he had to clean up to make his life more meaningful. He would drink many nights away because he was so miserable being with me when all he wanted was to be with someone else. Being the person that I am, I let him go when I found out. I have always believed love should not be forced. I did not want to force myself into him if he did not feel the same anymore. The pain was indescribable. To make the story short, I gave him what he wanted... because I learned that sometimes, the best way to love someone is by letting go.

That is what I did. Along with his leaving, I had to start rewriting everything... my life, all my hopes and dreams. So what do I do? Almost seven years, and all my decisions always included him. I suddenly had to be on my own.

I stopped asking all the whys. It will almost be a year now since I officially ended it. He was so confused. He did not want me to go because he was so used to having me in his life... but he wanted many things. He wanted her, he wanted to keep me too... and that could not be. I was the one who gave way, because there was nothing left for me to do. It was not worth the fight. I knew I already lost.

We were together for almost seven years... but come to think of it, maybe I have been alone all along. I just always had this feeling, that he never did love me. I just kept pushing the hunch aside because I was that loyal... and stupid. Oh the things I do because of love. I never learn, really.

Like I said, it is almost a year now. I do not cry that much anymore. Everyday that I wake up, I have to convince myself to live one more day. Find joy in the smallest things because that would help me make it through. During my rest days, I would sleep the whole day. I would not eat. I would just sleep. I found that sleeping makes me not think. It is like my goal in life is just surviving every day. I am doing the best I can.

I have become numb. When I see things or when I am situations that remind me of him, I don't hurt anymore. Or maybe I have just gotten used to the pain. I cannot tell anymore.

I pray that he is happy. I hope God sees I am sincere, and that He will give me someone new to love too. Just a wishful thinking. What else can I do?

*I am wide awake at three am and I still find myself thinking of you.* It sucks.

Despair

I guess despair, like happiness, could also come like a thief in the night.  It is just so unexpected...

Maybe because it's December and I am away from my loved ones. Or it may be because it's December but in this place I couldn't feel even a tiny spirit of christmas.

Tonight is one of the saddest nights of my life. Today one of the loneliest days too.

I guess I've just been so good with setting my feelings aside for what I think is the greater good. Or maybe all along I am thinking wrongly. Would it be sadder to say that I should be better off alone?

Or maybe these emotions are due to the hormones that are kicking in.

Or maybe because I knew I was right in thinking I'll never belong in any place... not with anyone but me.

All I can do now is pray. All I need is a leap of faith. I used to believe things fall apart for it to fall into place... for it to become a better place. Now I'm not really sure.

Ghost of the past

I am feeling melancholic. 

It was probably because of the book that I just finished reading.  I did not like the way it ended. I found it tragic.  It made me cry in a not so good way. I hate it when that happens.  Now I'm regretting that I pushed myself to finish it. I feel so broken. 

I got off work early and I was by my lonesome all evening.  I had a date with myself.  The "me" time as others would like to call it. 

I got to reflect about my day... how my body felt... what my head thought... how my heart ached...

So I'm blaming the book for my feeling sad. Yeah... it is the book's fault. 

Sometimes what hurt you in the past could go hunting you in the present... and that is what happened to me today.  

I thought I was okay about it a long time ago... but today I admittedly felt fear... and pain.

I just don't know which is worse... someone needing you because they thought no one could love them the way you do... or someone needing you because they have not met enough people to give their love to. I don't know why I'm thinking about these things too.  

That damned book.  It brought back to life a ghost from the not so distant past.  I think it hurts me more now because I feel so alone. It is only now... that I feel the weight of it. How could I ever trust that I am meant to be loved?

I wish tomorrow will be a better day. I hope this sadness will be gone after I wake up. 

Just putting two and two together... no matter how I try to brush things off... why am I hurting now? I was more accepting months ago. This is what distance can do.  I am paranoid as hell. 

I better sleep this feeling away. 

Sleep can probably set me free. 

Monologue

Be still my heart.

You have yet all the time to set free all your desolation
When you and I graze these dry lands.
We'll savor all the pin prickles
Both vast and minute in intensity.
We'll brave the unknown...
Tear glands in check
Frozen hands protected from the heat rapidly turning to cold.

Nothing much I can do for you now.
For the suffering I brought upon you
I humbly apologize.
I will do better in bringing the pieces back together.
It will be alright.
I am afraid too...
But please be still.
I will take care of you.

Let's change our world of empty words
And blinding fallacies.
We will learn how to swallow the bitter truth and be able to live with it...
We will live through it.

And then your wounds will heal.
I will make sure we stop feeling left behind...
I will appreciate the sun more for you.
I will make you smile dear heart.

You and I... we will see a beautiful life.

It's not so bad dear heart...
So please be still.

It is going to be just you and me tonight.
It will be alright... it will be alright.

The waiting game...

Current time: 4 minutes to 6 in the morning,UAE time.

I just watched a shared video in facebook... it was about a dog who fainted with happiness after seeing its owner after two,long years.  The dog was whining with joy. I felt the sincerity of the moment by the lunacy of it all. Two years and the love of the animal for the pet owner never changed. If anything I think the love was proven strengthened.

Naturally, I cried.  The scene awoke a sensitive issue inside of me.

How can dogs be so loyal? I honestly believe the owner could have gone for more than two years and nothing would have changed.  The dog will faithfully wait.  Buti pa ang aso marunong magantay. 

I,myself,feel like I could not wait anymore.  Wait for what,you ask? Wait for my life to fall into place in general.

Starting with the basics, I am waiting for my rest day/s.  Oh to rest my eyes from those blinding laser beams... to be able to assure my nose that I would not smell even a whiff of that doctor whose soul stinks worse than his body odor... to not lay eyes on those people who are making my life so difficult.. to just worry about something else other than agonizing if I still have a scrub suit to wear for work.

I am waiting for sleep to come by.  I feel that I cannot wait anymore to sleep all my troubles away. Thus I write. So that my brain cells' death might not be in vain.

I wait for the day of acceptance... acceptance of yours truly of the fact that I do not always get what I give. That I can only answer to myself.  I can love endlessly but I cannot force someone to love me the same way.

Morning light is streaming through the window. Where are you sleep?

I am waiting for my tears to stop.

I am waiting for the end of ramadan.

I am waiting for the winter season.

I am waiting for the one year mark.

I am waiting for my life to fall into place.

I am waiting for you. So please wait for me too.

Wait for me with kindness and patience.  Wait for me with joy.  Wait for me while appreciating my efforts. Wait for me with love.

Please... my heart chooses to believe you can do so much better than the dog in that viral video.

Time now: 10:33 am, Philippine time.

Nth Epiphany

Sometimes I think the universe is a non living thing which only becomes alive because scientists describe it with a thousands of mind boggling theories.  They even use too many technical terms... and that's how the universe transforms into something that is existent and active.

But really, is the universe as animated as it seems? Most of the time, I think it's just like a boulder.  Standing still, made up of so many components which make it so complex, but it is still a type of rock... non living, and definitely not animated.  

I learned about the law of attraction seven years ago.  I must say it made a difference in my life.  I learned about in a place where I least expected I would learn about it.  It was a pivotal moment.  The whole of the universe conspire to do your bidding.  Positive thinking and words are very powerful... what you think of, is what you attract.  

Basing on the entries this past two years, I kept writing that I felt like living in darkness, i was in a big pause that seemed to never end.   Hopelessness, sadness, desperation, despair, and misery.  Yes, I admit, what I learned seven years ago didn't help me for the last two years.  It just wasn't enough.  

My life is getting a little bit better now. :) Having that said, finally the pause button in my life had been finally "unpressed".  My life is starting to have flow, one small flow at a time. It's better than not being able to move at all, and it's all thanks to my renewed faith.  Yes, the power of the universe cannot be underestimated, but it is only that much powerful because someone far more magnificent created it. :) 

I haven't got much time to explain, I just need to write down what I'm feeling before I forget my train of thought. 

There are just things you can't explain.  Today, I felt the universe is alive again.  It's interesting how things work out even when you don't force it, even when you don't think about it.  I guess it's just how it is when you have a deep rooted connection with God and the universe.  

...

I never knew these three dots would mean so much to me.  It gave so much meaning to my day today.  

Life goes on. :) *blink, blink*