When Life Happens

Cordy's night of bequeathal.
📸 Norman Espayos

Nothing is coincidence.  Even all the infinitesimal incidentals. 

Yesterday, I did not have anything planned, for my day off. (Well, week off). I just wanted to rest, and take time off from everything that was stressing me out, for the past weeks. I was resolved to just let things happen. I was grateful for the time alone.  I was thankful for being able to freely breathe, being comfortable by my lonesome. 

I was invited to attend my roommate's nephew's intimate birthday celebration. With lack of nothing to do, I decided to go. That would mean free food yow! Haha! Of course I would go.  Not wanting to be attached to my recent state of affairs, I was trying my best to distract my mind, and was successfully  focusing my attention, to what was in front of me... and not to what was missing. 

Then came the exchange of messages, in the group chat with the pole friends.  One of my pole sisters, Caress, was giving away her Tenor ukulele, and she was asking who would be interested to adopt Cordy.  I promptly claimed it as mine.  I have been planning on buying a uke of my own, but I haven't had the time, to look for decent one.   It was like heaven was speaking to me, nudging me to take hold of it, as soon as it is allowed.  

I had to leave the party. I promised my roommate, I would return, in time for the arrival of the rest of our roomies.  (Tequila shots were waiting).  I excitedly charged to Caress' and her hubby's flat, and so, I was able to take hold of Cordy, for the first time.  You know the happiness I felt? I knew it/he/Cordy was meant for me.  My heart was complacently beating, and I had that familiar, jubilant stomach butterflies. 

I was not planning to stay long, because I wanted preggy Caress to enjoy the rest of her day off as well. As always, with friends not having seen each other for a period of time, we had so much to catch up on.  Caress, being the straightforward person that she always is, asked me about my nonexistent other side of life, and the person involved in it.  I told her what recently took place, which had a considerable impact on me, and what ensued thereafter.  It was my first time to be in a conversation, with her husband Norman.  He was surprisingly, patient to my shallow whims. The two were both younger than me, but their wisdom about love, and life, knows no age.  I love how Norman boldly stated what he thought, and I appreciated his unsolicited advice.  

What took me by surprise was that, when I was about to leave, Norman insisted that they pray for me.  I did not expect that.  I was deeply touched by the impromptu pray over, and I was trying to hold back my tears.  I felt the earnestness in his prayer, and for a moment, I asked if I deserved it... I kind of knew in that instant, that I was meant to be at the place, because what Norman had to say, was something I needed to hear.  I felt God's grace once again.  Truly Lord, Your grace abounds. 

I am afraid to let my heart have what it desires.  I am unsure of what it wants... but I am lifting everything up to God.  If it will be my destruction, I trust that He will not allow it... and if it will be for the betterment of my soul, then I hope what I set my heart on, will be given to me.  If God wills it.  

Thank you to the couple Caress and Norman for entrusting Cordy to me... and for making me feel God's love, through your kindness.  This heart of mine, felt a little more brave, to take on what life has to give.  

Can't wait to create memories with you Cordy.  Welcome to your new home. I'll take care of you. 

#faithfulGodforever #scorpiosisterhood 

Yakap

And we're back! The bugsay mates all happy to be paddling again. ☺ 

"Ako ay nagbalik, at muli kang nasilayan.  Hindi na 'ko muli pang lilisan.  Dahil kung ikaw ang yakap ko, parang yakap ko ang langit, at yakap ko pati ang iyong ngiti." 

-Junior

        The song "Yakap" by Junior, instantly became the theme song of the night.  Though we couldn't give each other hugs, like we used to, the genuine happiness that emanated from each and every paddler, was enough to warm our hearts.  

        The long wait is now over.  We are officially back to paddling again.  The first water training night was gruesome. Our coach, however inspirational he may be,  didn't show us mercy.  After more than a year of no training, the drills he made us do, almost made my soul leave my body.  We were all adjusting to the proper form again.  It was frustrating to realize how much weight we all gained.  The boat felt so heavy, plus the fact that it cannot be filled to its full capacity, because of social distancing protocols. It felt weird to have no partner facing you. A bit sad, but we have two boats to utilize now.  Oh what fun it was... competing against each other! I love how no one from our team has temper tantrums.  

        It was another energy draining day at work. We were so busy, it was a functional mess, being under staffed, that I was only able to steal a few minutes, to eat a piece of chicken.  It was almost 4 pm that day, and I have not yet peed.  (Crossing my fingers that my kidneys would not suffer in the future because of this).  I was having second thoughts if I should go or not.  I was not prepared. It is best to load on carbs before our trainings, because we would need the energy.  It should be at least 2 hours before the session, because you also cannot paddle when you are too full. It will make you puke!😂 Our training ground is now in a different location, and I had no idea how to navigate my way to the place.  My worrisome self was getting the best of me again... but I guess what is meant to happen will happen.  Things just fall into place when you least expect them to.  One of my teammates messaged me, and just like that, I had a free ride! (Thank You Lord, I always get by, because of Your grace.)

Not so obvious that I couldn't contain my eagerness to get on the boat. 😁

First day/night back (17th of June)

        At the end of the night, our bodies were protesting because of the immediate muscle pain.  Yes, no kidding.  The soreness was felt instantaneously.  Even during the drills, just trying to extend the arm for a longer reach, oh what agony! But such a sweet torment it was! The one that we all missed. And of course, the paddler's curse, (paltos) blisters... on the ribs, under the axillae, and on the butt cheeks!😆 I can't say I missed them, but yeah, welcome back to them too. You know what, I don't regret going.  My heart was in such bliss! 

        I struggled at first to get my breathing rhythm right.  I expected that...  I lost my endurance because of the lack of training over the past year, but I am proud that not once, did I stop. At hindi ako sumawsaw! I gave it my all. Susuka, pero hindi susuko! Grabe asaran sa bangka, there was one instance, they were gossiping about me, and I couldn't even talk back, because I didn't want to disrupt my breathing! I missed all the friendly banters.  After all this time, you can still feel the love.  All the physical afflictions brought about by our training, were all worth it.  There is this peace, that only paddling can give.  

24th of June attendance photo

        I could not remember the last time I felt that joyful.  While every little bit of me ached, I knew I had a reason to keep celebrating my life.  Over the course of the pandemic, I felt like the typical OFW, who always had no one to rely on, but herself.  I went home, my soul filled with renewed hope.  My life is suddenly not so bad again.  

        Truly, I am blessed to have such kind hearted captains and teammates.  Their goodness is profoundly contagious.  Every moment spent with them, changes me into a better version of myself.   

"Tough times don't last, tough teams do." 

To my dragon boat family, I am grateful for all that you've done for me.  You are all a great part of my healing.  Waiting for the day that I can embrace each one of you again.  

Sagwan ready! 

#howpaddlinghealedmybrokenheart #ilovedaman #dragonboatchronicles

        

 

 Sometime in April 2018. 

While waiting for the boat to come back, during one of our water training nights, I sat quietly on the grass of our training ground. 

I just finished with pulling the sack of sand, some of my batchmates (we were the newbies at the time), were already at the shore, waiting for their turn to have a seat on the boat. 

I asked myself what am I doing this for? 

I wanted to fade away because of exhaustion. Then and there, I just wanted to sleep, and not feel anything. I dread the coming turn for me to paddle. I worry about not being able to keep up with the pace. I was so anxious to have my name being called out again, because like everything else at the time, I couldn't seem to get anything right.  Silent hysteria, it was. My arms hurt so bad because of poling the previous night, where did I gather all the guts to show up for dragon boat that night? 

Much as I was afraid of letting my teammates down, I knew there would be something about paddling that would satisfy me.  I took this photo of the sky. Yep, how exquisite, our training ground was.  I have always been a person, who is so in touch with her feelings, and so, looking up and seeing the moon like that, I knew I would write about it, when I got home, and I really did. In the midst of my agitation, because of a recent incident, the moon brought back my calm. In spite of all my solicitude, I was glad that I came.  Paddling my heart out, with the moon extra shining bright... it was perfect.  

I remembered going home, feeling light hearted. Wrote this before I passed out on my trusty bed.  

It was that night, that something changed in me.  The question that I asked... I had an answer to it. 

I was, and still am... because I let me be. Looking back now, I guess that was how I wanted it to be.  I think this is how I want it, 'till now. I am so twisted! It was then that I learned the power of keeping the faith in something, while being detached of the outcome.  I was also learning how to judge less... people are just forced to do everything they can to survive life. 

Hence this Haiku. No tainted flags.☺

* Found my musings while skimming through forgotten files. Photos of beautiful Abu Dhabi taken by me. I posted most of these on Ig. The heart writes what it wants to write.

Pilipinas kong mahal,

Katulad mo ang isang nawalay na pag-ibig.

Sa tinagal tagal ng pagkakalayo sayo, ako ay nangungulila pa rin.
Sa lahat ng kaguluhang kinasasangkutan mo ngayon, paminsan kay hirap mong mahalin.

Gayun pa man, ikaw ang aking lupang sinilangan.
Ang aking pagmamahal at katapatan sa iyo, ay magpakailanman.

Batid ko na ako'y nagkulang sa pagpapahalaga sa taglay mong kagandahan. Paumanhin Pinas... para sa akin ay wala kang katulad. Noon ay hindi ko nagawang maisapuso ng husto ang liriko ng iyong pambansang awit. Ngayong ako ay nasa ibang bayan, bawat salita nito ay tumatagos sa aking puso. Isa ito sa pinakamagandang liham ng pag-ibig na nabasa ko.

"BUHAY AY LANGIT SA PILING MO."

Tunay Pilipinas... saan man ako dalhin ng buhay, hindi pa din maipagkakaila ang aking pinanggalingan. Dahil sa iyo, ako ay may pagkakakilanlan. Kahit anong mangyari, ikaw ay paulit ulit kong babalikan.

Ang larawang ito ang patunay sa ligayang dulot mo sa akin. Matanaw ka lang sa himpapawid, anong kapanatagan sa akin ay hatid. Patuloy akong magdarasal, at matiyagang aantayin ang araw na masisilayan kang muli.

Maligayang araw ng kasarinlan! Mabuhay ka! Mahal na mahal kita.

#tagalog #cebuano #muntinlupeño #moalboalanon #Pilipino #philippineindependenceday