round and round i go...

I found myself downloading for the first time, a song by a particular singer that I am not so fond of.

Maybe when you're broken, you suddenly change to someone you never thought you would be.

"... makes me feel like I can't live without you..."

Or maybe I can... but I'll be living like I'm dead.

I had to force myself last night to be thankful for what I have.

• I am unemployed, but I am provided with food and shelter.
• I am unemployed but because my parents are generous, I don't have to worry about my phone's credit. (not that I need it now. I could turn off my phone for the whole year and it would not matter)
• I have all the time for watching all the television shows I want.
• I can listen to the radio all day long, and nobody would be obliging me to stop.
• I have my family... my family that's whole and not broken.

And then I can't think of anything more... because yeah, aside from that, I have nothing else left.  

Now is the best time to never wake, but my problem is, I can't even force myself to sleep. 

Here I go again. 

"Funny you're the broken one but I'm the one who needed saving..." 

And then I realize, oh well, I can't really depend on others to do that for me.  I only have myself.  

March is about to end... Let me be honest and tell you that it hasn't been a good year since March 2012. Let's just say I've been trying not to give up on my dreams, but time and time again, the circumstances seemed to be telling me otherwise.  

"How's it gonna be?" As if the universe is mocking me at the moment.  I know the song is utterly about a different problem, but the question still hits me like a sounding slap.  

Honestly, I don't know.  

The news is depressing.  I would have thrown up every now and then if I let myself get affected with most of it.  It makes me think of how cruel life is... when it shouldn't be.  I see myself in the hopelessness of some of the stories.  They make me hate the world more.  

I cannot give up. As my friend put it, "Ang kapal naman ng mukha ko kung maggigive up ako." Maybe this anger that I am feeling is just a phase.  I know I am right where I am needed to be.  Maybe not knowing why makes me feel restless and insecure, but looking at the positive side is the only thing I can hold on to right now.  

Let's hope the next time I write something here, it would be in a much lighter note.  

Here's to hoping for a brighter future...though for now, everything is downright bleak.