choking up on my words

"Heaven knows, I'm head over heels and it shows. I played every field I suppose."

What does playin' every field means for me?

• being truthful about what I feel
• sharing a part of myself even though I have long forgotten how
• lowering my pride and humbling myself in the process
• allowing myself to be happy and trusting

I know it may not be much... but all of that entailed effort for a person like me who likes to keep my real feelings to myself.

Here's the thing... I am bittersweetly choking up on all the words I said. I had to follow my heart again... my ever dysfunctional heart! Now, I'm swallowing everything that I pronounced... both well and ill feelings, all the periods, commas, question marks and exclamation points... even the sighs! I am gobbling them up as fast as I could just so I could get it done and over with.

It's liberating and hurting at the same time.

Much as I like to put and end to this, I just can't. As far as I am concerned, what is happening now is far from being over.

The only way out of it is through it. There's just no turning back.

Oh... I didn't know I have a thing for boldly facing bedlams. I could be in for another great downfall and here I am, audacious and adamant.

And it's all because I wanna save myself from all the what ifs again.

I am so holding on tight... thought I was getting trampled by a dozen horses. Now I see I am being stepped on by hundreds.

Oh well... There's still tomorrow. I'll keep on trying and trying again to make things right. :'( Gotta stand by the decision I made.

at the time

You know that feeling when you know you are needed but you won't be needed for too long?

I am feeling that again. It's always like this when I am happy.

SIGH... 'di bale na. At least I get to be happy once in a while. At least hindi lang puro kamanhidan nararamdaman ko diba?

So I'm like playing my part again... It's like the silent guardian of the charcoal tower all over again. I have to be devoid of feelings soon and just satisfy myself with looking from afar.

People always leave... and I let them. :(

trampled

Feeling eager, I forced myself not to look but I did. There was nothing. I told myself time and again... I just could not get enough. I had to be sure.

Then I felt it. Stomach spasms again!

In deep water? Quicksand?

Nope... but I've been in both.

More like being trampled by a dozen horses.

Will I ever get out alive?

I am inside my casket though. :) I just might make it.