When Life Happens

Cordy's night of bequeathal.
📸 Norman Espayos

Nothing is coincidence.  Even all the infinitesimal incidentals. 

Yesterday, I did not have anything planned, for my day off. (Well, week off). I just wanted to rest, and take time off from everything that was stressing me out, for the past weeks. I was resolved to just let things happen. I was grateful for the time alone.  I was thankful for being able to freely breathe, being comfortable by my lonesome. 

I was invited to attend my roommate's nephew's intimate birthday celebration. With lack of nothing to do, I decided to go. That would mean free food yow! Haha! Of course I would go.  Not wanting to be attached to my recent state of affairs, I was trying my best to distract my mind, and was successfully  focusing my attention, to what was in front of me... and not to what was missing. 

Then came the exchange of messages, in the group chat with the pole friends.  One of my pole sisters, Caress, was giving away her Tenor ukulele, and she was asking who would be interested to adopt Cordy.  I promptly claimed it as mine.  I have been planning on buying a uke of my own, but I haven't had the time, to look for decent one.   It was like heaven was speaking to me, nudging me to take hold of it, as soon as it is allowed.  

I had to leave the party. I promised my roommate, I would return, in time for the arrival of the rest of our roomies.  (Tequila shots were waiting).  I excitedly charged to Caress' and her hubby's flat, and so, I was able to take hold of Cordy, for the first time.  You know the happiness I felt? I knew it/he/Cordy was meant for me.  My heart was complacently beating, and I had that familiar, jubilant stomach butterflies. 

I was not planning to stay long, because I wanted preggy Caress to enjoy the rest of her day off as well. As always, with friends not having seen each other for a period of time, we had so much to catch up on.  Caress, being the straightforward person that she always is, asked me about my nonexistent other side of life, and the person involved in it.  I told her what recently took place, which had a considerable impact on me, and what ensued thereafter.  It was my first time to be in a conversation, with her husband Norman.  He was surprisingly, patient to my shallow whims. The two were both younger than me, but their wisdom about love, and life, knows no age.  I love how Norman boldly stated what he thought, and I appreciated his unsolicited advice.  

What took me by surprise was that, when I was about to leave, Norman insisted that they pray for me.  I did not expect that.  I was deeply touched by the impromptu pray over, and I was trying to hold back my tears.  I felt the earnestness in his prayer, and for a moment, I asked if I deserved it... I kind of knew in that instant, that I was meant to be at the place, because what Norman had to say, was something I needed to hear.  I felt God's grace once again.  Truly Lord, Your grace abounds. 

I am afraid to let my heart have what it desires.  I am unsure of what it wants... but I am lifting everything up to God.  If it will be my destruction, I trust that He will not allow it... and if it will be for the betterment of my soul, then I hope what I set my heart on, will be given to me.  If God wills it.  

Thank you to the couple Caress and Norman for entrusting Cordy to me... and for making me feel God's love, through your kindness.  This heart of mine, felt a little more brave, to take on what life has to give.  

Can't wait to create memories with you Cordy.  Welcome to your new home. I'll take care of you. 

#faithfulGodforever #scorpiosisterhood 

Yakap

And we're back! The bugsay mates all happy to be paddling again. ☺ 

"Ako ay nagbalik, at muli kang nasilayan.  Hindi na 'ko muli pang lilisan.  Dahil kung ikaw ang yakap ko, parang yakap ko ang langit, at yakap ko pati ang iyong ngiti." 

-Junior

        The song "Yakap" by Junior, instantly became the theme song of the night.  Though we couldn't give each other hugs, like we used to, the genuine happiness that emanated from each and every paddler, was enough to warm our hearts.  

        The long wait is now over.  We are officially back to paddling again.  The first water training night was gruesome. Our coach, however inspirational he may be,  didn't show us mercy.  After more than a year of no training, the drills he made us do, almost made my soul leave my body.  We were all adjusting to the proper form again.  It was frustrating to realize how much weight we all gained.  The boat felt so heavy, plus the fact that it cannot be filled to its full capacity, because of social distancing protocols. It felt weird to have no partner facing you. A bit sad, but we have two boats to utilize now.  Oh what fun it was... competing against each other! I love how no one from our team has temper tantrums.  

        It was another energy draining day at work. We were so busy, it was a functional mess, being under staffed, that I was only able to steal a few minutes, to eat a piece of chicken.  It was almost 4 pm that day, and I have not yet peed.  (Crossing my fingers that my kidneys would not suffer in the future because of this).  I was having second thoughts if I should go or not.  I was not prepared. It is best to load on carbs before our trainings, because we would need the energy.  It should be at least 2 hours before the session, because you also cannot paddle when you are too full. It will make you puke!😂 Our training ground is now in a different location, and I had no idea how to navigate my way to the place.  My worrisome self was getting the best of me again... but I guess what is meant to happen will happen.  Things just fall into place when you least expect them to.  One of my teammates messaged me, and just like that, I had a free ride! (Thank You Lord, I always get by, because of Your grace.)

Not so obvious that I couldn't contain my eagerness to get on the boat. 😁

First day/night back (17th of June)

        At the end of the night, our bodies were protesting because of the immediate muscle pain.  Yes, no kidding.  The soreness was felt instantaneously.  Even during the drills, just trying to extend the arm for a longer reach, oh what agony! But such a sweet torment it was! The one that we all missed. And of course, the paddler's curse, (paltos) blisters... on the ribs, under the axillae, and on the butt cheeks!😆 I can't say I missed them, but yeah, welcome back to them too. You know what, I don't regret going.  My heart was in such bliss! 

        I struggled at first to get my breathing rhythm right.  I expected that...  I lost my endurance because of the lack of training over the past year, but I am proud that not once, did I stop. At hindi ako sumawsaw! I gave it my all. Susuka, pero hindi susuko! Grabe asaran sa bangka, there was one instance, they were gossiping about me, and I couldn't even talk back, because I didn't want to disrupt my breathing! I missed all the friendly banters.  After all this time, you can still feel the love.  All the physical afflictions brought about by our training, were all worth it.  There is this peace, that only paddling can give.  

24th of June attendance photo

        I could not remember the last time I felt that joyful.  While every little bit of me ached, I knew I had a reason to keep celebrating my life.  Over the course of the pandemic, I felt like the typical OFW, who always had no one to rely on, but herself.  I went home, my soul filled with renewed hope.  My life is suddenly not so bad again.  

        Truly, I am blessed to have such kind hearted captains and teammates.  Their goodness is profoundly contagious.  Every moment spent with them, changes me into a better version of myself.   

"Tough times don't last, tough teams do." 

To my dragon boat family, I am grateful for all that you've done for me.  You are all a great part of my healing.  Waiting for the day that I can embrace each one of you again.  

Sagwan ready! 

#howpaddlinghealedmybrokenheart #ilovedaman #dragonboatchronicles

        

 

 Sometime in April 2018. 

While waiting for the boat to come back, during one of our water training nights, I sat quietly on the grass of our training ground. 

I just finished with pulling the sack of sand, some of my batchmates (we were the newbies at the time), were already at the shore, waiting for their turn to have a seat on the boat. 

I asked myself what am I doing this for? 

I wanted to fade away because of exhaustion. Then and there, I just wanted to sleep, and not feel anything. I dread the coming turn for me to paddle. I worry about not being able to keep up with the pace. I was so anxious to have my name being called out again, because like everything else at the time, I couldn't seem to get anything right.  Silent hysteria, it was. My arms hurt so bad because of poling the previous night, where did I gather all the guts to show up for dragon boat that night? 

Much as I was afraid of letting my teammates down, I knew there would be something about paddling that would satisfy me.  I took this photo of the sky. Yep, how exquisite, our training ground was.  I have always been a person, who is so in touch with her feelings, and so, looking up and seeing the moon like that, I knew I would write about it, when I got home, and I really did. In the midst of my agitation, because of a recent incident, the moon brought back my calm. In spite of all my solicitude, I was glad that I came.  Paddling my heart out, with the moon extra shining bright... it was perfect.  

I remembered going home, feeling light hearted. Wrote this before I passed out on my trusty bed.  

It was that night, that something changed in me.  The question that I asked... I had an answer to it. 

I was, and still am... because I let me be. Looking back now, I guess that was how I wanted it to be.  I think this is how I want it, 'till now. I am so twisted! It was then that I learned the power of keeping the faith in something, while being detached of the outcome.  I was also learning how to judge less... people are just forced to do everything they can to survive life. 

Hence this Haiku. No tainted flags.☺

* Found my musings while skimming through forgotten files. Photos of beautiful Abu Dhabi taken by me. I posted most of these on Ig. The heart writes what it wants to write.

Pilipinas kong mahal,

Katulad mo ang isang nawalay na pag-ibig.

Sa tinagal tagal ng pagkakalayo sayo, ako ay nangungulila pa rin.
Sa lahat ng kaguluhang kinasasangkutan mo ngayon, paminsan kay hirap mong mahalin.

Gayun pa man, ikaw ang aking lupang sinilangan.
Ang aking pagmamahal at katapatan sa iyo, ay magpakailanman.

Batid ko na ako'y nagkulang sa pagpapahalaga sa taglay mong kagandahan. Paumanhin Pinas... para sa akin ay wala kang katulad. Noon ay hindi ko nagawang maisapuso ng husto ang liriko ng iyong pambansang awit. Ngayong ako ay nasa ibang bayan, bawat salita nito ay tumatagos sa aking puso. Isa ito sa pinakamagandang liham ng pag-ibig na nabasa ko.

"BUHAY AY LANGIT SA PILING MO."

Tunay Pilipinas... saan man ako dalhin ng buhay, hindi pa din maipagkakaila ang aking pinanggalingan. Dahil sa iyo, ako ay may pagkakakilanlan. Kahit anong mangyari, ikaw ay paulit ulit kong babalikan.

Ang larawang ito ang patunay sa ligayang dulot mo sa akin. Matanaw ka lang sa himpapawid, anong kapanatagan sa akin ay hatid. Patuloy akong magdarasal, at matiyagang aantayin ang araw na masisilayan kang muli.

Maligayang araw ng kasarinlan! Mabuhay ka! Mahal na mahal kita.

#tagalog #cebuano #muntinlupeño #moalboalanon #Pilipino #philippineindependenceday

 

A letter I will never send

 Dear You, 

I am in such low spirits. I couldn't sleep because I am too bothered by what transpired this day. 

I know I shouldn't let my vulnerability get the best of me, but I could really use a friend right now.  I also know that I shouldn't need you...  but needless to say, you were the one I thought of.  I remember you said, I could talk to you whenever I feel down. Who are we kidding? Looking back now, every time that I felt my life was falling apart, you were the cause, or you were never there.  So why need you now?

I only have myself to blame.  The past recent weeks, I let you in my life again.  I knew it was dangerous.  I was so sure of myself, that I am more than okay now... that I could handle it.  I can say that I managed my feelings very well.  It's just that today, things were too much for me to take.  In that past weeks that we've been communicating, it felt like I found a long, lost friend.  We had so much to catch up on.  Although there are many things unresolved between us, I am happy with the life you were able to build... proud of what you've become.  

I remember myself telling you, you shouldn't be needing me.  Now that I am feeling this way... this wanting to vent out to you, I find, that I could identify myself with you.  This must be how you were feeling back then... when you lost your friend and you desperately needed to feel comforted.  

The last time we conversed... you said, unlike me... I have many friends that I can talk to, can open myself up to.  Yes, I have many friends... but you know what... that doesn't mean I can always talk to them about what's bothering me.  In my years of living away from home, most of the time, when I am deeply troubled, I just keep things to myself. I don't want the people around me to absorb my negativity so I shut myself out.  To tell you the truth, I have just gotten so used to being alone... but right now, I feel so alone. Like, I only know myself, and everyone around me are strangers kind of alone.Please don't assume things are so easy for me.  This is how it has been for me for the longest time.  I hurt by myself. Pour out my cries in my prayers so I wouldn't be a burden to someone else.  God only knows how hard I try to hold myself together, for the sake of my sanity.  

Maybe it was a really bad day, but like I said, I could really use a friend right now.  Like most of my days here, I know I have to endure this alone.  You, never being there when I need you, is not something new.  I know deep in my heart that I should not be needing you now.  Please just know that I am grateful for our friendly conversations the past weeks.  My heart felt good that I could see you, and treat you as a friend... after all, you were my best friend for almost seven years.  

I know you to be a person who was never good in dealing with goodbyes... so it was always me, who was saying goodbye.  How many times have I tried?

We probably will not talk with each other again.  Letting you in, must have made it harder for you to figure out what you want in your life.  It was never my intention to confuse you in any way.  I sincerely was not trying to hold a grudge, because with everything happening all over the world, it is making me realize that life is short, so I should start living my life giving kindness, understanding, forgiveness and love.

I still see you in my dreams.  I believe those dreams are God's way of reminding me why we shouldn't be part of each other's lives.  I always see how good your life is without me.  I don't want to take that away from you.  You said it yourself, you're in a good place right now.  Thoughts of me were just bothering you, that is why you were feeling, the way you were feeling. 

Please don't dwell on it anymore.  I always say this because it's true... you have everything that you need.  Don't take the people you love, and who love you, for granted.  Please keep that in your mind and heart.

I know when the night passes, my being weak will come to pass.  It's always like this for me... I would find myself the next day, alive and still breathing.  It's the only thing that matters to me for the past four years... that I am alive everyday.  I may not know why and what for... but that's all that matters.  

I am happy for you.  Please don't confuse yourself with thoughts about me anymore.  I have long accepted, that things between us, can't go back to the way they were before.  Continue building and living your dreams.  I will be rooting for you silently, from far away.  

Funny how after all this time, my heart still aches... although it does not bleed anymore.  I am sorry we turned out this way.  I just know I will never be enough for you.  You don't deserve someone like me, who has given up on herself. 

I guess this time, it really is goodbye.  

Sincerely, 

A stranger from your past.

Paddling in my mind

I am so bored to death.

I am not in the mood to watch any movie or series in Netflix. I just want to paddle and be happy.

Did I not tell you how paddling healed me?

In my world full of entitled people... paddling is the only thing that is probably keeping me sane. Maybe some time, I will share how it helped me mend my broken heart. 😊😊😊

I am ranting because our water trainings are cancelled. We are forbidden... the whole of UAE is taking precaution because of the Novel Corona Virus scare.  All the sports events for the next three months were cancelled. Including all our dragon boat races for the rest of the season.  Well, they used the word "postponed"... we are waiting for the day that they would finally lift the training ban.  We are advised not to hold any large gatherings as well.

I can run, but that's not what my body wants. I want to paddle!!!

SIGH.

I don't think I can live without paddling anymore.  At this point in my life, I am so unsure about everything... my future, my dreams, and my plans. The only thing I am sure of is that I don't want to stop paddling yet.  For the longest time, I don't want to leave this country because it seemed like paddling is the only thing I am living for.

SIGH... these sighs will go on tonight until sleep finally comes and takes me away to dreamland.

I miss how paddling makes me feel tired but very satisfied. I miss my teammates who always make me feel life is not at all that bad (I💖DAMAN). I will lull myself to sleep by watching our water training videos.  The sound of the paddles hitting and digging in the waters have become such a comfort.

So where do I go from here? What will I do when the time comes that I have to give paddling up?

I shudder at the thought. Not yet. I am not yet ready.

NCov please go away, and let all the paddlers play.

Three Sundays and Nine Candles

This is how it goes for me.

I still go to church no matter how hopeless I feel. I found that it is still my best sanctuary. Something about it gives me comfort, even in my being alone. 

My crying days are over, but once in a while, when I would pray, my tears would pour out on their own. I don't know what I truly feel. 

After mass, I would drown in my own world of musings.  Pay three dirhams for three tea candles. 

Offer a prayer for each of them. Hoping against hope God would hear whatever it is my heart desires. Honestly, I don't know anymore. 

Three Sundays had passed, and I stood there not knowing what to say.

Is there anything I should ask for?

I don't think what I have been praying for is what God wants for me.

Is this giving up?  Or shall I call this faith? That despite the uncertainty I feel, I just keep on living, knowing things will get better eventually.

I stopped asking for what I want... because I don't know what I want anymore. I am afraid to ask because I do not trust my choices. 

One candle for all the people I promised I would pray for.

Another candle for all the broken hearted and lost souls trying to find their way home.

One for all I know who are in dire need of physical healing.

Fourth, for all those whom I have hurt.

Fifth, for all those who hurt me.

Sixth, for the people I have taken for granted.

Seventh, for my loved ones. That they may live longer than I.

Eighth, for all those who can't protect themselves from emotional and physical abuse.

Ninth... for those who I care about silently.  That while they feel they need me, I know it's best that I care for them from a distance.

This is how it goes for me.  Each and every time I go to my true sanctuary.  I feel like I don't have the right to ask for myself anymore... because I don't know what I truly want to start with. 

Uncertainty

So here I am... wide awake at the wee hours of the morning. I have to start preparing myself for work in a few hours. I have to get up and start living again, so help me God.

How long has it been since I last wrote something?

I stopped writing... because I promised myself I will not write about a certain person ever again.

Here I am... resisting all the urge to write, but what else can I do? :'(

The year is about the end. Am I happier?

The answer: I really do not know.

I guess this is just how it is... after having your greatest dreams destroyed. I have long stopped trying to rewrite my dreams. I honestly lost all the will to dream. I feel like I can die at any given time and I will be good to go.

I lost my greatest love a year ago. He found someone new to love and wanted me out of his life. It was like I was trash that he had to clean up to make his life more meaningful. He would drink many nights away because he was so miserable being with me when all he wanted was to be with someone else. Being the person that I am, I let him go when I found out. I have always believed love should not be forced. I did not want to force myself into him if he did not feel the same anymore. The pain was indescribable. To make the story short, I gave him what he wanted... because I learned that sometimes, the best way to love someone is by letting go.

That is what I did. Along with his leaving, I had to start rewriting everything... my life, all my hopes and dreams. So what do I do? Almost seven years, and all my decisions always included him. I suddenly had to be on my own.

I stopped asking all the whys. It will almost be a year now since I officially ended it. He was so confused. He did not want me to go because he was so used to having me in his life... but he wanted many things. He wanted her, he wanted to keep me too... and that could not be. I was the one who gave way, because there was nothing left for me to do. It was not worth the fight. I knew I already lost.

We were together for almost seven years... but come to think of it, maybe I have been alone all along. I just always had this feeling, that he never did love me. I just kept pushing the hunch aside because I was that loyal... and stupid. Oh the things I do because of love. I never learn, really.

Like I said, it is almost a year now. I do not cry that much anymore. Everyday that I wake up, I have to convince myself to live one more day. Find joy in the smallest things because that would help me make it through. During my rest days, I would sleep the whole day. I would not eat. I would just sleep. I found that sleeping makes me not think. It is like my goal in life is just surviving every day. I am doing the best I can.

I have become numb. When I see things or when I am situations that remind me of him, I don't hurt anymore. Or maybe I have just gotten used to the pain. I cannot tell anymore.

I pray that he is happy. I hope God sees I am sincere, and that He will give me someone new to love too. Just a wishful thinking. What else can I do?

*I am wide awake at three am and I still find myself thinking of you.* It sucks.

Despair

I guess despair, like happiness, could also come like a thief in the night.  It is just so unexpected...

Maybe because it's December and I am away from my loved ones. Or it may be because it's December but in this place I couldn't feel even a tiny spirit of christmas.

Tonight is one of the saddest nights of my life. Today one of the loneliest days too.

I guess I've just been so good with setting my feelings aside for what I think is the greater good. Or maybe all along I am thinking wrongly. Would it be sadder to say that I should be better off alone?

Or maybe these emotions are due to the hormones that are kicking in.

Or maybe because I knew I was right in thinking I'll never belong in any place... not with anyone but me.

All I can do now is pray. All I need is a leap of faith. I used to believe things fall apart for it to fall into place... for it to become a better place. Now I'm not really sure.

Ghost of the past

I am feeling melancholic. 

It was probably because of the book that I just finished reading.  I did not like the way it ended. I found it tragic.  It made me cry in a not so good way. I hate it when that happens.  Now I'm regretting that I pushed myself to finish it. I feel so broken. 

I got off work early and I was by my lonesome all evening.  I had a date with myself.  The "me" time as others would like to call it. 

I got to reflect about my day... how my body felt... what my head thought... how my heart ached...

So I'm blaming the book for my feeling sad. Yeah... it is the book's fault. 

Sometimes what hurt you in the past could go hunting you in the present... and that is what happened to me today.  

I thought I was okay about it a long time ago... but today I admittedly felt fear... and pain.

I just don't know which is worse... someone needing you because they thought no one could love them the way you do... or someone needing you because they have not met enough people to give their love to. I don't know why I'm thinking about these things too.  

That damned book.  It brought back to life a ghost from the not so distant past.  I think it hurts me more now because I feel so alone. It is only now... that I feel the weight of it. How could I ever trust that I am meant to be loved?

I wish tomorrow will be a better day. I hope this sadness will be gone after I wake up. 

Just putting two and two together... no matter how I try to brush things off... why am I hurting now? I was more accepting months ago. This is what distance can do.  I am paranoid as hell. 

I better sleep this feeling away. 

Sleep can probably set me free. 

Monologue

Be still my heart.

You have yet all the time to set free all your desolation
When you and I graze these dry lands.
We'll savor all the pin prickles
Both vast and minute in intensity.
We'll brave the unknown...
Tear glands in check
Frozen hands protected from the heat rapidly turning to cold.

Nothing much I can do for you now.
For the suffering I brought upon you
I humbly apologize.
I will do better in bringing the pieces back together.
It will be alright.
I am afraid too...
But please be still.
I will take care of you.

Let's change our world of empty words
And blinding fallacies.
We will learn how to swallow the bitter truth and be able to live with it...
We will live through it.

And then your wounds will heal.
I will make sure we stop feeling left behind...
I will appreciate the sun more for you.
I will make you smile dear heart.

You and I... we will see a beautiful life.

It's not so bad dear heart...
So please be still.

It is going to be just you and me tonight.
It will be alright... it will be alright.

The waiting game...

Current time: 4 minutes to 6 in the morning,UAE time.

I just watched a shared video in facebook... it was about a dog who fainted with happiness after seeing its owner after two,long years.  The dog was whining with joy. I felt the sincerity of the moment by the lunacy of it all. Two years and the love of the animal for the pet owner never changed. If anything I think the love was proven strengthened.

Naturally, I cried.  The scene awoke a sensitive issue inside of me.

How can dogs be so loyal? I honestly believe the owner could have gone for more than two years and nothing would have changed.  The dog will faithfully wait.  Buti pa ang aso marunong magantay. 

I,myself,feel like I could not wait anymore.  Wait for what,you ask? Wait for my life to fall into place in general.

Starting with the basics, I am waiting for my rest day/s.  Oh to rest my eyes from those blinding laser beams... to be able to assure my nose that I would not smell even a whiff of that doctor whose soul stinks worse than his body odor... to not lay eyes on those people who are making my life so difficult.. to just worry about something else other than agonizing if I still have a scrub suit to wear for work.

I am waiting for sleep to come by.  I feel that I cannot wait anymore to sleep all my troubles away. Thus I write. So that my brain cells' death might not be in vain.

I wait for the day of acceptance... acceptance of yours truly of the fact that I do not always get what I give. That I can only answer to myself.  I can love endlessly but I cannot force someone to love me the same way.

Morning light is streaming through the window. Where are you sleep?

I am waiting for my tears to stop.

I am waiting for the end of ramadan.

I am waiting for the winter season.

I am waiting for the one year mark.

I am waiting for my life to fall into place.

I am waiting for you. So please wait for me too.

Wait for me with kindness and patience.  Wait for me with joy.  Wait for me while appreciating my efforts. Wait for me with love.

Please... my heart chooses to believe you can do so much better than the dog in that viral video.

Time now: 10:33 am, Philippine time.

Nth Epiphany

Sometimes I think the universe is a non living thing which only becomes alive because scientists describe it with a thousands of mind boggling theories.  They even use too many technical terms... and that's how the universe transforms into something that is existent and active.

But really, is the universe as animated as it seems? Most of the time, I think it's just like a boulder.  Standing still, made up of so many components which make it so complex, but it is still a type of rock... non living, and definitely not animated.  

I learned about the law of attraction seven years ago.  I must say it made a difference in my life.  I learned about in a place where I least expected I would learn about it.  It was a pivotal moment.  The whole of the universe conspire to do your bidding.  Positive thinking and words are very powerful... what you think of, is what you attract.  

Basing on the entries this past two years, I kept writing that I felt like living in darkness, i was in a big pause that seemed to never end.   Hopelessness, sadness, desperation, despair, and misery.  Yes, I admit, what I learned seven years ago didn't help me for the last two years.  It just wasn't enough.  

My life is getting a little bit better now. :) Having that said, finally the pause button in my life had been finally "unpressed".  My life is starting to have flow, one small flow at a time. It's better than not being able to move at all, and it's all thanks to my renewed faith.  Yes, the power of the universe cannot be underestimated, but it is only that much powerful because someone far more magnificent created it. :) 

I haven't got much time to explain, I just need to write down what I'm feeling before I forget my train of thought. 

There are just things you can't explain.  Today, I felt the universe is alive again.  It's interesting how things work out even when you don't force it, even when you don't think about it.  I guess it's just how it is when you have a deep rooted connection with God and the universe.  

...

I never knew these three dots would mean so much to me.  It gave so much meaning to my day today.  

Life goes on. :) *blink, blink*

Silver lining

Out of desperation, I googled what silver lining means.  All of the definition that I found said seeing the brighter side of things no matter how dark it may seem.

Well, it is definitely easier said than done.  :(

My world is so dark.  I think I could live by having grey clouds all the time in my life, but this darkness that I am in?  It's a different matter.  It's killing me.

I'm looking back at everything that happened in my thirty years of existence.  I'm wondering what I did so wrong to feel like I'm undergoing some kind of unending punishment.  Or it also may be that I am being overly dramatic.  Mild psychosis probably kicking in.

SIGH.

Facebook drives me crazy.  I'm seriously thinking about having my account deactivated for a while. Maybe it's the only thing that could give me peace right now.  Everyone's just so happy.  Why can't I be like them? I want to be happy too... It just feels like happiness have long evaded me.  Like I could never be happy again.    Is this envy that I feel?  Lord, am I being so evil?  I know I am equally blessed.  Maybe what I have and don't have right now is what I deserve because I have not been that good.

All maybe's.  I thought for every pain, there will also be joy in exchange.  Right now, and it's been years that I'm feeling like this... it seems that all there is in life for me is pain.  Or maybe I am just being so pessimistic and ungrateful.  I just can't stand being lost for so long. I honestly don't know what else to do.  My last flicker of hope is about to die soon.

And sleep also have been hard to come by.

Where are you my silver lining?  Please help me get through... please don't let my hope die.  Please let me see you.  Don't fade away from me.

A time to close my eyes

The truth, I find, is one the most scariest things in life.

Sometimes it is a saber that tricks you into thinking that it would not pain you when it strikes.  When it does hit you more than once, that would be the only time you'll realize that it still hurts, no matter how blunt you think it is.

Most of the time, it is sharp.  That's what makes it even more frightening.  Is there even a need for me to describe it?  People say it all the time.  The truth hurts, and it cuts perhaps more deeply than a knife.  The truth can make an incision made by a knife look like a simple abrasion.  The truth sticks to your gut.  When you try to run away from it, it sucks up everything inside of you... your hope and your dreams.

Tonight, I deliberately accepted a truth I can't continuously run away from.

Yes, I want many things at the same time and it looks like the nine out of ten things that I desire, God answered me with no.

I know everything happens for a reason.  It's something I keep telling myself.  When all of this pain is over I would triumphantly say, "There you go... This is why God said no."  There's still tomorrow. I can try being happy again.

But for now... since everything just feels so crazy and I feel like crap, I can do nothing but close my eyes, and see while not being able to physically see.  What I can't see would not hurt me... or so I think.

My only saving grace

I admit that I am not a holy person.  I remember wanting to become a nun way back when I was younger, but I admit, I really did not know back then what I really wanted.  I saw myself being a nun while taking care of sick people.  I wanted to be a nun/nurse.

Young as I was, I appreciated so many things about Mother Mary.  I would wear a scapular or a rosary under my uniform during my elementary days. Both non-Catholics and Catholics classmates would make fun of me... they probably thought I looked and acted weird.  (What was so wrong with wearing a scapular or rosary anyway? How ironic it was that we were studying in a Catholic school and we prayed the rosary every morning... matching songs and all).  Anyway, my point is... though it took me a long time to memorize all the mysteries of the Holy Rosary, I can never deny that praying the rosary has always been a big part of my life.

I know it took years and so many lessons for my faith to mature, and it was hard to pray meaning all the words instead of just memorizing and speaking them out loud as was always done and practiced... but there were moments when those words were really more than words...and I felt them during the times that I was most broken.

I still remember all those hopeless nights that I prayed, and all the times that I was hurt.  I didn't know how to take the pain away.  After praying the rosary, for some reason, I would feel better.  I always believed Mama Mary would look down upon me with mercy, and so would Jesus, and God the Father... but I always felt like I didn't deserve forgiveness, and it was harder facing them than it was asking Mama Mary for intercession.

During the time that I felt most broken, and I was praying for her intercession, I felt a sudden relief of pain.  Like I was immersed in plain, invisible, soothing comfort.  I was broken, but for some reason I can't explain, I felt loved... and I was given hope.

I'm about to face something that has become my fear for the longest time.  Failing me.  Try as I may, I can't ignore the way I'm feeling depressed lately.  I think anytime now, I'd go insane.  I'm on the verge of a destructive panic... and then out of nowhere, a reminder hit me in the face. :')

I may not always get what I want but I am loved, no matter how sinful I am.  I am loved.  I know my daily prayers and petitions to Mama Mary might not be enough for me to over come the fear that I have to face, but I know once again, that she'll make sure I'll be loved... that I'll never be forsaken.

I'm so anxious I could cry the whole night. Talk about ineffective coping to the highest level. Hehe.

Thank You Lord for all the blessings.  I am thanking You now for all the times that You said yes, and for all the times You said no, because I know everything happens for a reason.  If You're about to say no again, then that would only mean I would be one step closer to the plan that You are planning for me.

A little too late

Just this afternoon, I was engaged in a petty heated argument... because of a certain question that I did admittedly did not fully understand.  The conversation ended with me feeling sad.  Maybe it was because of the way things abruptly ended.  Like I was waiting to hear something more reassuring but all I got was anger and a cold shoulder.  I felt like I deserved the short attention only because it needed to be reiterated to me that I was wrong about something.

I was feeling downhearted... and then Pink's "True Love" started playing on the radio.  As in it played probably less than ten seconds after the conversation was cut.  I listened to the lyrics...

Sometimes I hate every single stupid word you say
Sometimes I wanna slap you in your whole face
There's no one quite like you
You push all  my buttons down
I know life would suck without you

At the same time, I wanna hug you
I wanna wrap my hands around your neck
You're an asshole but I love you
And you make me so mad I ask myself
Why I'm still here, or where could I go
You're the only love I've ever known
But I hate you, I really hate you
So much, I think it must be...

True love...true love. It must be true love. Nothing else can break my heart like true love. It must be true love.  No one else can break my heart like you.

The moment the chorus ended, I laughed to myself and felt good.  Yeah right.  True love. I like the way the lyrics were so simple, and yet so honest.  Kind of hit me right through the gut.  It made me believe in all the good things that I have in my life.  I am in an imperfect relationship, but at least I have someone to love.

The day progressed and all my positive thoughts were rewarded with silence.  That tugging ache started to come back again.  I tried to ignore it the best way I could.  Told myself off for being the paranoid fool I've always known to be... Hours passed...

...and then this moment...of feeling a little less loved...

When I let the butterfly fly away. :'(  I see it leaving, and I just let it leave.  No use in holding it back. :'(

Thank you Pink... but unfortunately, my life right now will not be as chaotic and happy as your song.  Tonight, I would have to deal with just a chaotic one... and all the silence.

Maybe it's time to accept defeat... maybe sometimes, giving your best and doing your best just really won't cut it... because it's not meant to be.

Stress Tower

I officially started my candy crush hiatus today, though it technically started yesterday.  I decided to do so because I just want to be really focused on a goal that is taking so long for me to achieve!

SIGH... no scale could measure the value of my anxiety level right now.  I am worse than ever!  I'm in the verge of being in the state of major depression because I am just so anxious! My worries are building up so high, it could probably create the highest tower of stress in the whole world!

I am getting depressed because I have no idea where I am headed, plus some other things concerning future plans. :'(

What would you do if you suddenly realized that being with you is not a priority... just a plan, but not something to prioritize?...

Everything in my life right now is so unbalanced.  I am surprised that I am able to keep my sanity up until this moment.

The way I feel right now is exactly the way I felt more than a decade ago when the word "complicated" ruined my whole world.

I have no other desire but to find a way to demolish all of my troubles.  Maybe start rewriting my life... start accepting that more often, life does not go the way you want and planned it.  Be in touch with the truth that expectations will just lead me to more ache and destruction.

SIGH...

Everything counts

BIG PAUSE. 

That's where I am now... still.  

I've been reading lots of posts in Facebook lately and I saw some interesting status message about living life God's way, and not my way... about focusing on the Blessor and not so much on the blessing.  That way I could be more appreciative of what I have.  I'm trying to help myself in the best way I can.  This is me trying to deny that I am simply, hopelessly depressed.  This forces me to think of the tiniest things to make myself feel better.  

Last night, Sinta and I were talking about random things.  We started quizzing each other about nursing concepts and related stuff, then when we finally had enough, we just talked about nothing and everything.  Though we had talked about our past roughly for uncountable times already, reliving old memories never seem to grow old. He mentioned particularly how I seem to recount every detail of every memory we talked about.  I would recount even the least important of movements, and he was amused.  

I had to think to myself why he thought most of the things I remembered seemed insignificant.  

It's just the way I am.  So what if I can still remember the way he moved when we met down the hall... how my fingers had this spin-the-pen reflex when I am anxious because he was looking my way?  I am that person, who cherishes every heartbeat that jumped for joy, who's always in touch with every ache.  Yeah... the psychologist in MNH was right. I am a subjective person... but... only when it comes to myself. 

So now I had to rationalize why I am so in touch with the smallest of details... because sometimes, when I find myself in a situation where I feel that I am worse than inadequate, these small details are the ones that keep me going.  They give me a glimmer of hope that I still deserve days that all I have to do is love life while living it, while compiling all the smallest details.  

Like when my world was falling apart, and all I was feeling was the terrible dread of losing someone I love... the smell of kimchi from the Korean canteen of Building E1... that blue and red bag filled with heavy MS books, the biting of cheeks while staring at the numbers on the screen that indicated the floor the elevator was currently on... the sliding doors... his indescribable smirk, the swag he had when he walked away... Now why should I forget all the details? When I look back now and then, these details still leave me in awe because of how things currently worked out, while some did not. 

Yes, everything counts... even the light pats in the back and the moments when he had me singing Collide in my mind. ;) 

The Rescue

" I am a lunatic from the gracious days. I used to be woebegone, and so restless nights. My aching heart would bleed for you to see... oh, but now..." 

It has not been more than a month ago that I said something about rescuing myself.  Well, this morning, it finally dawned on me that hey, it can't all just end in words. I seriously have to do something about it.

Tell you what, it may sound so insignificant, but it has been raining a lot lately... Kind of reflecting what I have been feeling for so long... :'(

I remember that day, when all that flooding was so bad. I have not felt an ache for a very long time, and that day it came.  I ignored it.  I focused on what I thought was a funny ridicule... I ignored that scary vision that I probably would find myself buried into, some time in the near future.  And today, it has not even started raining yet, but I remembered it suddenly.

I guess what some people say is true though... that after so much despair, hope will finally show itself...

"Oh but now... I don't find myself bouncing home whistling buttonhole tunes to make me cry..."

It's about time.

**Thanks Annie Lennox for the inspiring song... girl power!!!**