A bolt from the blue

 Can I just say I am speechless? 

I've been praying and meditating the whole day.  Gave myself some self love by listening to empowering podcasts.  That I made it through this day keeping my calm, is a blessing itself. I could feel a pending anxiety attack, but I think the praying worked. Thank You Lord for your mercy. 

Out of the blue, I heard from someone unexpected... lo and behold, the person bore good news! The last time I heard from him, he was not in such a good state.  He didn't know where he would get encouragement, and knowing me from years back, he remembered I always gave some sound advices/comments.  Anyway, he was much better now.  Good for him. The plan that he had a year ago, had come to fruition. It's always inspiring to hear stories like that. 

I scrolled back to our last conversation, and I can only laugh at how consistent I've been, when it comes to moving on. I read what I wrote: "You wanna know the very first thing I did para maging okay ako? I had to forgive him wholeheartedly... para sa sarili ko, not for him."

 This made me scroll down to my chat with a cousin's ex-girlfriend, and this is what I told her: 

 " I am not saying this because it is easy for me to say. I learned from my experience, that I will never heal if I don't forgive the one who hurt me. When I did, everything just felt lighter after.  Forgiving is difficult, but sometimes, you do it, not for the person who hurt you. You do it for yourself." 

It's true though.  Forgiveness is indeed a gift, you give yourself. Forgetting, however, is a different matter. 

Anyway, I can't put into words, how our conversation flowed... but I just gave him a gist of what I am currently going through.  I appreciated his way of boosting my morale. It just really surprised me that he kept bringing up references from our past.  I meant, the years we spent together working at the same hospital.  We were shift-mates for a month in Medical ward. Wait... maybe it was three months? I don't remember anymore.  What really came as a shock was how he casually came to a revelation, and I didn't know how to react. Didn't know what to say. 

I mean, really? How come I did not know? I didn't even feel? Didn't even get a clue? Really? Was I really that apathetic, that I didn't notice?  I think he didn't really try to let me know. Because everyone's comments about me were similar.  That I give off an aura of pushing people away.  Like there is this wall around me with a sign saying: DON'T EVEN TRY. IDGAF.

One senior nurse of ours just flashed in my mind.  She would always be pissed at me, because every time she would successfully humiliate me (like 9 out of 10, it really was not my fault. She does that because I am my father's daughter, and she didn't think I deserved to be there), I would stand there, take everything in, and look the same. I wouldn't even flinch. I would cry after, but never in the moment.  I never gave her the satisfaction, by letting her see me cry.  Maybe, most of them thought, wala ako pake. kase anak ako ng tatay ko, kase anak ako ng diyos. They would always say that. I would hear about it from concerned people.  I think my confidence was shattered because of it.  It took me years, before I started believing I could achieve things on my own...  Without dad's influence to back me up.  Ang random e noh? I just had to vent that out. Haha!

It's making me realize how impassive I must have come off to people.  My RBF probably made it worse. Haha! Good to know my friend still had something good to say in spite of my blunt affect. 

It just caught me by surprise. That is all. 

Maybe something is really wrong with me.  And it's not just my resting bitch face.