My quarantine days.
- It came quite as a shock. Well, I always thought I would be prepared, but it turned out different, when it finally hit.
- God allowed me to rest. He gave me too long, a break from work. I was only able to come to work for five days, for the whole month of July. Five days! How crazy was that? Thank God my salary was not reduced. Then came August, I have not even lasted for four days... I had to be quarantined again!
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| Had to wear this tracker/smartwatch during my quarantine days. This is used to track the position or location of the person wearing it. You can't leave the promises while you have it on, otherwise, the consequences will be dire. The fine is half a year worth of my salary. |
- Had no choice but to skip paddling/water training. Can't wait to get back to it soon.
- Spent most of my time with Cordy. 💓☺ I was and still am, so addicted!
- Was consumed with guilt, as my colleagues suffered from lack of manpower. They had to assist my doctor, who has a knack of doing procedures even though she got tons of other patients to see. They would always mention in the group chat at the end of the day, that they were not able to eat or take their break. (Now they know how it is like for me, almost everyday of my duty life). Felt terribly sorry for them though.
My anxiety
- It has gotten worse. There were times when I was so sure I was going to die.
- There is this darkness which seems to swallow me... literally.
- Uncomfortable pounding of my temples, accompanied by the ringing inside my ears.
- Palpitations.
- Tightening of my chest.
- Things that helped relieve it a little: meditation, drinking wine, taking long showers, curling up in a fetal position on bed, deep breathing, crying it out... and sleeping it away (oh no... not again).
Getting back to work
- Company restructuring. This isn't Grey's Anatomy, but it felt like it. You know the season where a merger happened between Mercy West and Seattle Grace? It sucked to have witnessed something like it in real life.
- Disheartening. The pending termination of my colleagues made me feel demotivated. I didn't know how we would ever manage without them. Fast forward to two weeks after they were gone, there were times that I couldn't speak anymore. My frustration would always be brushed aside, because I had to attend to more important matters. At times when it gets so vexing, I can't even pause, no matter how badly I wanted to. Please. We are not robots.
- My Doctor's intent to resign. She isn't liking the changes and she just couldn't sit and watch while many of us suffer. I admired her before because of her open mind about lots of issues, but now I even love her more, for being an advocate of not only her fellow physicians, but of us, nurses as well. I kept praying she would have a change of heart.
- Doctor M's official resignation. She told me first thing in the morning yesterday, before our duty started. I cried, and so did my colleagues from the department. I told her she was the best Head of Department we've ever had, and I meant it.
- The rest of the doctors' resignation. The day my doctor resigned, we learned 19 other physicians also resigned. Most of them, already known across the emirate. I hope the management sees that something is seriously wrong about this.
- Tiring. There's no other word for it. God did let me rest, that was why I had to be quarantined for so long. He knew I would need it. I feel like fatigue is my friend already. Or am I just getting old?
- Vaccination clinic. Had a one week stint in vaccination, when Dr. M took her leave. It was a nice relief from my usual routine. It was equally, physically exhausting. Due to lack of staff, I had to do the injecting and documentation all by myself. I even got needle pricked, as I was about to discard one syringe. More than a decade of practice, and I suddenly experienced it. My nerdy self was activated. What should I do? Immediately washed my hands with soap. Reported to immediate superior. Superior reported to Infection Control. Made an incident report. Had my blood sampled for testing. I couldn't sleep the whole night, praying that my blood tests would be fine the following day. All was good. Need to get tested after the third and sixth month just to be sure. Fortunately for me, our infection control have clear guidelines and protocols that are being strictly followed, so I felt protected somehow.
Why all these in bullets? Let's say my thoughts are in jumbles, because apparently, my life is the same. I don't know what step to take after everything that had happened. Everyone dear to me, friends turned family, are leaving. Should I leave too? Maybe the next few days, I will have an answer. For now, I will keep walking by faith, as how it always is for me, when I am lost.
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