And so the night starts again... I cannot cry anymore. :')
I was angry at Him for saying no. I asked Him why He was so selfish to me... why I was not as lucky as the other people around me... why no matter how good I try to be, it seemed never enough. I was so consumed with all the hurt I was feeling... I was on the verge of giving up. I said some things that created a pain that was greater than my own.
Then I realized and asked myself back... Why was I so selfish? I was not the only one suffering. Why does no matter how He blesses me with things that I need, I still do not feel as lucky as the other people around me? Why, in spite of His enduring mercy, do I not feel loved enough?...
I do not know. I am hurting that I disappointed all those who believed in me and in what I can do... but most of all, I am hurting because I disappointed myself. : (
I lacked faith... maybe all this that I am going through is a test. I know it is. Maybe God wants me to go the long way for me to be sincerely grateful... maybe He's telling me I need to rely and trust in Him, and not depend on myself... because I sure cannot succeed without His help. He knows better than I. I keep telling other people that His plans are far more better than what we want for ourselves and so I am telling that to myself now. Even though it hurts... The day will come when all the reason behind this pain will be revealed.
The one lesson I learned from this experience is that, I was wrong in thinking that I am not loved. That I was wrong in thinking God is not at my side for not hearing out my favor.
You know what I got from my failure?... Tight hugs from my loved ones. Words of love and encouragement... and most of all, the assurance that one of the most important people in my life will also not give up. : )
So I fail now... but I will not give up. I am sorry Lord for giving in to my anger and for being weak. I trust in You, I will always trust in You no matter how painful it is to follow Your will.
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