not so temporary

"It's like you're in my DNA... is it always gonna feel this way?"

Seriously. I keep wondering...

Why on earth... how on earth... what on earth was I thinking?!

Over thinking? More like over feeling! Or not?

Why is everything so intense when it comes to the subject concerned? And it's not just me. I feel like the whole of the universe and its elements are deeply woven into this connivance... haunting dreams...ethereal signs? Am I to blame it once more on fate?

And it's crazy... seriously crazy... I am tired of asking all the why's.

A year or two and still counting... it seemed like I could not get by without.

What?!... hahahaha! I would just have to laugh it all out.

Fate? Are you the one to blame?

This feeling brings me all the way back to a crucial point in my life, where I acknowledged that I have once again lost in one of my silent battles.

I was sitting and staring at my pen resting on my white arm chair... one minute there, the next minute gone. Footsteps echoing through the halls of E7 5th floor. I remember moving my head as if telling myself off for even considering! ...and then sang my heart out.

"You have... stolen... my heart. You have... stolen... my heart." (Accusing but resigned).

I am moving my head again.

painful christmas

Pain makes you feel alive... a dear friend of mine made an excellent point.

Well... if that is true, then I therefore conclude that you make me feel alive.

When I wake up each morning thanking God for another day that I have you... I feel pain when I think of the possibility that it might be the last day.

When I am touched with what you do and say... I feel pain because of the fear that you only meant it at the moment... and that what you said will expire in a given time line.

When you think too much and forget that what I feel for you cannot ever be fathomed and you push me away and make me feel like I'm so easy to ignore... need I say more?

"I need you to know how much I want you. I'm broken, I'm dying. I need you to know how much I want to care... When a thousand years isn't long enough."

Ah... yes. Pain. You make me feel so alive... so alive.

My head throbbed non stop the whole day and my chest and abdominal muscles ached like hell. Haha... so convenient to fall sick on christmas day. Hope I never wake.

"Try, to look at me and really see my heart. Do you expect me to believe, I'm gonna let us fall apart?... It's not supposed to hurt this way, I need you, I need you, more and more each day."

Those songs of the moment again. :'(

By the way... happy christmas.

Broken everyday...

Christmas is just around the corner.

I can feel it every morning as I find it hard to get out of the comfort of my ever trustee warm blanket. Plus the fact that my siblings wake the sleepiness out of me before they go to church to attend "simbang gabi". Then when they're gone the coldness would just lull me back to sleep. Haha... tough life. I find it hard to push myself to get out of bed, prepare myself and be off to work.

Always off to work... it's really so hard to live, especially when you feel like you don't have a life to live.

Today became one of those "lambasting days" I spent in PDH. I was so stressed out. My neck literally ached because someone was always breathing behind it. I found it so challenging to smile and spread all the care that I need share. To top it all off, I walked all the way from PDH to SM Bicutan on the way home, because traffic was so heavy... and I needed to walk my frustrations out anyway, so in conclusion, I exhausted all my energies. Hahahaha! The things I do to help myself get by... :')

I think I was hurt... or maybe it was my pride talking. But then, the good side of me won over, so I refrained from being too bitter. Thought of all the possibilities why the one who hurt me, hurt me the way she did. MAYBE SHE'S IN PAIN. Maybe she's suffering so much that she couldn't help but spread her pain to the people around her. Maybe driving innocent people nuts makes her happy. Well, I hope I made her happy. I am sincerely wishing her a happy christmas... hope she feels loved so next time, instead of hatred, she'd be spreading love.

Drama ko noh? Haha!

The thing is... I hope she realizes that she's not the only one who's in pain. She's not the only one whose heart is lonely and broken. She's not the only who is alone and unhappy. There are millions of people in the whole wide world who share the same fate... but some can manage to treat other people nicely. (Lord, I do hope my heart finds it to always put myself in her shoes.)

I am just grateful that I still find the heart to be nice in spite of all the pain I went through. That my mind is sane and unselfish enough to think that even though I am hurt, the world did not have to stop and stand in line for my attention...

...and although most aspects of my life seem to be going wrong... some little parts of it are going right. At least the most important, little, powerful parts. :)

Christmas is just around the corner... so is my heart and the one I share it with.

So bittersweet. :')

And I said...

Those words.

On impulse, sometimes it seems as if my heart controls every bit of muscle in my body. One second of vulnerability is all it takes to sync everything together. My heart and my mind... my heart and my arms... my heart and my eyes... my heart and my mouth.

The heart indeed holds on to things the mind would rather forget.

And I already said all the things I said. I've written all the words that I've written. I cannot take them back.

I don't mean to take them back... because I meant them all.

Just when I think no one can ever understand, the last person I expected to see through me was the one who was able to read between the lines. Sigh... so I guess that makes us even.

And I already said the things I said.

That is what happens when exasperation wins over the will to keep things silent... and when the heart feels nothing but remorse and misery, what else could it do?

What else could it do?

And I already said the things I said...

I spoke of the truth.

As always...

Just me and my heart tonight... as always. :')

I'm not sure if I dreamed all of it away.

*You can say what you want but it won't change my mind, I feel the same about you. And you can tell me your reasons but it won't change my feelings I feel the same about you.*

Run...run... run...

And although my head is bobbing up and down while Texas is singing...

I could only sigh.

The things I get myself into!

Oh well... it's still me and my heart tonight... like always.

one step forward, two steps back...

Oh no... :'(

I blame it on the tiring times. I blame them for making me feel like I'm drunk!

Out with the truth... my heart did not hold back. I thought I was dreaming but I wasn't. Even my dreams were hunting me! :'( There's just a lot going on that I can't even cry anymore.

But I did cry... for the billionth time. The truth hurts as much as the lies.

I cannot turn my back.

Why, oh why, oh why?... :'(

grant my last request...

I am so tired. :'(

I feel like all of me is going to break anytime.

And despite of it all, I still find myself every morning alive.

Oh Lord... help. :'(

notes to myself

• I only exist in my world.
• What I am, is all I am.
• I need to be more insensitive to what I hear and see.
• The less my mouth speaks, the less evil I say.
• If it is God's will that I do what He wants me to do from afar, then so shall be it.
• It is I who wastes my own time.

"Oh well... there's still tomorrow. Oh well... I'll try again."

That again. Every time I get some things wrong I keep singing that to myself.

No, It does not make things better, but I'd like to think all hope is not lost. That I am willing to try again and not give up although I really feel like it.

I don't think I can make it this December. I don't like to say that I can't even though it seems like I just did. Ang gulo ko noh?

Tsk, tsk...

I wonder when this will all end.

So tired of over thinking... and when my mind was flying and I was bracing myself while going up the stairs... haaayyy... an unlikey scenario.

• I am going to stop thinking.

Enough is enough.

song of the moment

Sigh... :'(

It's my fault that I chose to not like the person I dislike. I know the person did not do anything to deserve such angst from me...

Orange...green... blue... white... gray... red... i hate myself most of all! Even with all this animosity I still get to remember all those colors!!! :'(

I can write all the reasons why I dislike the person I dislike.

Whoever am I fooling? :'(

*at the back of my head def leppard's taunting song aggravates the irritable feeling**

when i hear that old song they used to play, i begin dreaming... :)

" i woke up this morning and the sun was gone..."

Oh no... I'm still alive. :'(

All is well. I'll keep telling myself that until the day finally comes that it will be true.

"turned on some music, and forget the day..."

I felt so doomed sitting by my usual glass window.

"lost myself in a familiar song, closed my eyes and i slipped away."

Lord please, please, please...

"more than a feeling... more than a feeling..."

How did I sit so still when all I wanted to do was walk all of my frustrations out?!

"when i hear that old song they used to play... i begin dreaming..."

Then came the vision.

Vision? Illusion? Or reality?

My heart skipped a beat.

That look... and then that wave.

I lazily waved back.

"when i hear that old song they used to play... i begin dreaming...
till i see ... walk away."

Hahahaha... Fine Lord. Life is not at all that bad. hehehe. ;) Point taken. :) Thank You.