friday afternoon

In an attempt to fix my life, I was very determined to finish the Luzon Tour in just one week.

Last week was not only physically tiring... There were moments when I was close to breaking down because of the panic attacks and all that time I tried sustaining a cool facade. Yeah, some people do make life hard for you. I can attest to that.

I tried getting all my cases signed last week, thus the task I termed "The Luzon Tour". It wasn't pleasurable at all. I had to go to Cavite and Bulacan twice, and the trip to Taal Batangas and back was too costly. I thought I should finish the task as early as possible so as not to cram when the nursing licensure exam draws near. Starting the task with high hopes, I fought all the negativity away. I didn't expect that the way would be easy, but I wanted to think everything would turn out okay in the end. There were numerous times that I found myself in frustrating situations and the last thing I wanted to hear during those trying times are words that would discourage me.

How much pain could I still take? I was disappointed to find out that the person I had faith in was the one who actually brought me down.

I am very sensitive when it comes to my dreams. Sure, I joke about it all the time, but deep inside, I am dead serious about doing my best to make them come true. Being a bum has deeply wounded my self-esteem and that fact alone added up to my never ending list of insecurities. I am desperately trying to fight the feeling off because I know it wouldn't do me any good. Despite of it all (my worries and fears), I still am aware of the fact that I have to go through being a bum first and eventually fulfilling my dreams. Although feeling a little depressed, I am more than hoping that I will become what I want to be.

So what do I do when someone actually says belittling words to me and in doing so, endangered the coming to life of my so called dreams? Is it enough to shove their words away and sleep like nothing happened?

I received hurtful words from a mentor who I thought had a good heart. I was more than offended. It was funny how she came to say all the things she said to me. She made a mistake... put her signature where it wasn't needed, gave me a problem to worry about, and blamed me for being so irresponsible when she had been the one who was careless! TALK ABOUT PROJECTION. That's defense mechanism working at its best. In tones of mockery, she said she could see what kind of a nurse I would be like in the future... HOPEFULLY... if I ever become a nurse. What hit me the most was the degree of certainty in her painfully modulated voice. I let her blab away... I was cramming daw. Inuna ko pa raw ang sarap pagkatapos ng graduation... blah blah blah!. I let her have her say and I stood there ignoring all the urge to cry. Kelangan ko ng pirma niya, sige lang. Pretending my soul wasn't dying of humiliation, I kept a straight face. Maybe my passive look provoked her? WHATEVER. The whole time she was lambasting me in front of some members of the faculty, I was telling myself I will be someone she will never be.

Those words really affected me. I contemplated on it for a few nights. It certainly didn't help uplift my hurting self. After crying it out, and sharing my hurts to my family and some close friends, the hurts lessened. Their words of reassurance are more than enough... and their love mattered more than anything else in the world.

Here are the things I learned after having been toppled down:

1. I don't need to prove myself to anyone. I will be a good nurse because it is my choice, and not because I just want to prove somebody wrong.
2. The opinion of others about me aren't necessarily true.
3. I must never lose faith in myself (as Elle Woods fashionably said it) no matter how people belittle or degrade me.
4. I should never give up on my dreams.
5. After stumbling, I must strive to get up. It doesn't matter how many times I fall... what matters is how many times I tried to stand up again. (Yan na! Ilabas na lahat ng quotes!)

Strange enough, after being down for a few nights, I am feeling much better. I end my entry with these words that I keep telling myself whenever I find myself uncertain about the future...

Things will be better. :)