waves

I am not one who understands perfectly how electrocardiogram works... but in my mind, I can see what my ECG readings would look like at the moment.

Could ailing hearts ever find remedies through ECG?

Here's a not so comforting thought that always seemed to haunt me ever since i came to think about it...

That i always get left behind...
And that instead of a good reason why there's a need to wait...i might have been waiting in vain all along.

Or maybe i am just like everyone else. I want the same thing anyone would want.

Sigh...why all this gloom?

I fear being left behind again. I don't know if i would make it again. Everytime that happens,i am left with no choice but to make it. The pain is so tiring. I am not looking forward to feeling it again.;-(

Why am i like this? I'm in the middle of another struggle. When will i learn to love myself enough?...enough to believe that i will not get left behind and be forgotten.

"i am not one to complain..." oh i am not complaining.

This is a new revelation to me.

"... I love you more than i could ever promise."

And my repolarizations are abnormal than ever.

fading drops

what could be the most hurting thing?

it's like pretending i don't mind...but every little thing is an endless prick. a tiny puncture is made but the pain is radiating. and what if these accumulate, if not everyday... how about every other day? or after every two days or three days?

no... somewhere amidst my"choosing-to-be-happy" existence... there's gotta be a prick. even if "splendid" is the only way to go... there's just gotta be a downside. it's like fate is taunting me... " yes... go ahead love life. here is what you get."

and then i bleed. apply pressure to that tiny finger. use a sterile piece of cotton ball. press hard. sting. sting. sting. i go on keeping a straight face.

it is way more serious than obtaining my daily capillary blood glucose.

i bleed... no pressure can relieve the pain. it's like i just let myself bleed, allow all the blood to coagulate and get nourishment from it.

then i keep it from being given away. because i'd rather bleed than deal with all the hollowness without that seemingly insignificant prick.

mountain climbing

Oh the fates...

The future looks... PROMISING.

That's the first word that came into mind while I was answering our neuro-psych exam this afternoon.

It's funny because some part of me was screaming, " That is so not true!" I would like to listen to my very hopeful side telling me, "Of course... Things will fall into place. Keep the faith."

The future is promising. YES. Because I am successful at taking one step at a time. Even though my every day is as difficult as climbing a steep mountain, at least I'm moving. Oh I would hate to be stuck. The future is bright. YES. Because there are many wonderful possibilities that I am looking forward to. So unlike the person I used to be before.

The thirst for independence has greatly intensified. I need to be liberated from all the restraints that are paralyzing me. It's about time that I learn to answer for myself.

I would do with all the mountain climbing for the meantime... I know when I get to the top, it will all be worth it.

***YES. The future looks promising and bright, because despite all my struggles I have you by my side. :) ***

haunting nightmares

Your name will always haunt me.

You will always be the friend who became the fiend. :'(

everything and nothing at the same time

Of all the things I believed in...

So after trying to win over the struggles, I should have known it will still come to this. :'(

Tonight will be a long night... and so will be many nights after this. The thinking and pondering will seemingly come to no end.

This time... I would know how to get rid of all the whys. My heart already knew all of the "because"...

It still does not change the fact that I would rather want things to turn out the other way. :'(

You were the one I loved, the one thing that I tried to hold on to...

stretching p-a-t-i-e-n-c-e

So I found myself facing yet again, the unexpected.

I am contemplating very hard... if this unwanted emotion I am feeling emanates from a deep animosity towards myself... OR NOT. :)

You lack the big I. Intiative... Initiative!

I can't blame you for my mood swings... it's the freakin' hot weather. It must be the freakin' hot weather!

Tsk... better luck next time. I am the meanest when I am provoked. No kidding this time. :

LSS high

"My heart starts aching, my hands keep shaking and you know, you know, you know..."

Wiggling toes... beating heart... stifling giggles...

Yeah... so my shoulders and not hips move with the beat. ;)

"It would take a strong, strong man... to ever let you go."

brain damage

It's gotta be the brain, 'coz I have long accepted that my heart is dysfunctional.

"There are people, who say what you wanna hear. Even on a rainy day they'll tell you the sky is clear." -Brian Litrell

I don't know what to believe anymore. What's worse than having a malfunctioning heart? It's a super damaged brain. I am thinking but I cannot decide what to do.

My heart is just bursting with hurt. That is all I am feeling.

Like all I get from all my desolation... from all those pointless longings that had been the highlights of my days... are angry insights. Never mind that I said I love you. I am the villain... I deserve not to hear an "I love you back..."

Maybe I am really not made for this. I never get it right. :'(

mahal na mahal kita

Didn't I use to say that when I decide to say I love you it means I really mean it?

And when I really mean it, I say: MAHAL KITA.

Well...

MAHAL NA MAHAL KITA.

Get that?

Don't ask why. I, for one, have given up asking why. I just do. :)

Sinta... mahal na mahal kita... mahal na mahal kita. :')

february ache

I hate February for all the most bitter reasons. Who needs valentine's day? (super bitter!) The darn day is only good for businessmen! (Hala! The bitter tirade continues.hehe) I just think that the super famous day is too commercialized.

For years now my opinion about v-day has not changed. Too commercialized... it kinda loses its real meaning.

Anyway, it is thanks to my forever friends the adiks that I somehow find the day special... because for years now I've been celebrating valentines with them. (Love you guys!) My true friends always help me get through valentines day unscathed. :D

"I'm through with love. It's only a madness. I'm finished with it, this torment was never my joy. Who needs a heartbreak? Don't want any body to call my own."

Told ya... bitter much!

But this year's a little bit different. No, my opinion still has not changed, but I came to accept the real reason why I hate v-day. It's the way people act so mushy and cheesy... all the public displays of affection make me sick! It kinda makes me feel v-day are only for couples...which is totally false because it is for everyone. I am a living proof that the day is also for single people. (O bitter uli?!)

What am I trying to drive at?...

This year... it felt different.

"But when you're near the sweetest sensation takes over my heart. I feel like I'm losin' control. These moments of weakness allow me a glimpse of heaven. I've been so strong. Could this be true?... for you broke my resolve now I'm tryin' to fight but I just cannot deny that I could really go for you."

Darn.

For a few precious moments there, I totally lost it. Gone somewhere... don't know where. Blank. So not me. Just acted on impulse.

You know what's so weird about it?

Hypothetically, I would have felt like hiding in my closet and feel abashed... but I did not feel that. Looking back, the unexpected plot just makes me laugh at myself. That subtle laugh filled with disbelief that I can go for something like that...

And I felt that bittersweet ache that I feel every February... only this time, there was more sweetness. Out with most of the bitterness, in with more sweets...

I must be getting better at loving life. :')

monsters and surprises

The unexpected... yes... something unexpected yet again happened. Who would've thought?

"As I turn away, I'm secretly hopin'..."

And then it did.

... yes it did come around and broke the spell on me.

Too bad I just said good bye. :')

All for the best I suppose.

nonchalance

I stand there looking like I cannot see, going about everywhere and just basically going out of the way. It has become an automatic reflex. And I could see the puzzle in your eyes, trying to ask me how the hell are you going to figure out...

NO can do.

That's the only thing that is certain.

the lines of my own earth...

I almost gave up. For once, the time and circumstance were in my favor... it was destined to end, so it seemed. It was so easy to turn my back and just leave everything hanging. Tired I was... I did not want to care anymore. You know the feeling of never wanting to look back? That was how I felt... like cherishing the last two footsteps in a place you so wanted to leave.

Yet again, I was bruised as could be... but there's something different now.

Last night, I felt it again... the same resignation. Somehow, I've revived the old me that I miss... my stronger self.

I keep repeating to myself the lines of Pablo Neruda's poem that I love so much... the one poem that helped me get through all the times of my brokenness...

Come what may. I have no regrets for trying to give it all... but if it comes to a point where all will lead to a dead end, I swear I would climb over a wall, swim a river, jump over a fall. Yes... I will accept that I came to an end, but I will not look back. So help me God.

sleepless sleep

I am losin' my mind.

Everyday I have to convince myself to try and live for another day. My simple turned habitual struggles drain out all the strength and confidence in me.

Seriously... I wanna sleep the whole week through...

I am losing my mind.

Madonna's song triggered it all.

Sleep, sleep... I need sleep. The real sleep. The sleep without haunting nightmares about endorsements gone wrong and other hospital related problems of mine.

Buti na lang... hahaha...

Didn't I tell you I was losing my mind?

Of blue moons and guitars

"The room is empty. The lights are dim and my heart wonders if I’ll ever see you again."

I can hear the music playing smoothly inside my head. My heart is silently keeping time with the beat...

"My tears are hungry for an open door...when your arms held me, I never felt that way before."

While majority of the people around me were animatedly discussing the wonders and myths of the infamous blue moon, I sat thinking to myself that they just might be true.

"Do you remember when the wind blew free? We fit together so naturally..."

I had the guitar in my arms and I knew at that moment in time... Smile. :)

That thought is for me to keep.

"I’ll be waiting, I’ll be watching under a blue moon. The taste of heaven only happens once in a blue moon."

:)

not so temporary

"It's like you're in my DNA... is it always gonna feel this way?"

Seriously. I keep wondering...

Why on earth... how on earth... what on earth was I thinking?!

Over thinking? More like over feeling! Or not?

Why is everything so intense when it comes to the subject concerned? And it's not just me. I feel like the whole of the universe and its elements are deeply woven into this connivance... haunting dreams...ethereal signs? Am I to blame it once more on fate?

And it's crazy... seriously crazy... I am tired of asking all the why's.

A year or two and still counting... it seemed like I could not get by without.

What?!... hahahaha! I would just have to laugh it all out.

Fate? Are you the one to blame?

This feeling brings me all the way back to a crucial point in my life, where I acknowledged that I have once again lost in one of my silent battles.

I was sitting and staring at my pen resting on my white arm chair... one minute there, the next minute gone. Footsteps echoing through the halls of E7 5th floor. I remember moving my head as if telling myself off for even considering! ...and then sang my heart out.

"You have... stolen... my heart. You have... stolen... my heart." (Accusing but resigned).

I am moving my head again.

painful christmas

Pain makes you feel alive... a dear friend of mine made an excellent point.

Well... if that is true, then I therefore conclude that you make me feel alive.

When I wake up each morning thanking God for another day that I have you... I feel pain when I think of the possibility that it might be the last day.

When I am touched with what you do and say... I feel pain because of the fear that you only meant it at the moment... and that what you said will expire in a given time line.

When you think too much and forget that what I feel for you cannot ever be fathomed and you push me away and make me feel like I'm so easy to ignore... need I say more?

"I need you to know how much I want you. I'm broken, I'm dying. I need you to know how much I want to care... When a thousand years isn't long enough."

Ah... yes. Pain. You make me feel so alive... so alive.

My head throbbed non stop the whole day and my chest and abdominal muscles ached like hell. Haha... so convenient to fall sick on christmas day. Hope I never wake.

"Try, to look at me and really see my heart. Do you expect me to believe, I'm gonna let us fall apart?... It's not supposed to hurt this way, I need you, I need you, more and more each day."

Those songs of the moment again. :'(

By the way... happy christmas.

Broken everyday...

Christmas is just around the corner.

I can feel it every morning as I find it hard to get out of the comfort of my ever trustee warm blanket. Plus the fact that my siblings wake the sleepiness out of me before they go to church to attend "simbang gabi". Then when they're gone the coldness would just lull me back to sleep. Haha... tough life. I find it hard to push myself to get out of bed, prepare myself and be off to work.

Always off to work... it's really so hard to live, especially when you feel like you don't have a life to live.

Today became one of those "lambasting days" I spent in PDH. I was so stressed out. My neck literally ached because someone was always breathing behind it. I found it so challenging to smile and spread all the care that I need share. To top it all off, I walked all the way from PDH to SM Bicutan on the way home, because traffic was so heavy... and I needed to walk my frustrations out anyway, so in conclusion, I exhausted all my energies. Hahahaha! The things I do to help myself get by... :')

I think I was hurt... or maybe it was my pride talking. But then, the good side of me won over, so I refrained from being too bitter. Thought of all the possibilities why the one who hurt me, hurt me the way she did. MAYBE SHE'S IN PAIN. Maybe she's suffering so much that she couldn't help but spread her pain to the people around her. Maybe driving innocent people nuts makes her happy. Well, I hope I made her happy. I am sincerely wishing her a happy christmas... hope she feels loved so next time, instead of hatred, she'd be spreading love.

Drama ko noh? Haha!

The thing is... I hope she realizes that she's not the only one who's in pain. She's not the only one whose heart is lonely and broken. She's not the only who is alone and unhappy. There are millions of people in the whole wide world who share the same fate... but some can manage to treat other people nicely. (Lord, I do hope my heart finds it to always put myself in her shoes.)

I am just grateful that I still find the heart to be nice in spite of all the pain I went through. That my mind is sane and unselfish enough to think that even though I am hurt, the world did not have to stop and stand in line for my attention...

...and although most aspects of my life seem to be going wrong... some little parts of it are going right. At least the most important, little, powerful parts. :)

Christmas is just around the corner... so is my heart and the one I share it with.

So bittersweet. :')

And I said...

Those words.

On impulse, sometimes it seems as if my heart controls every bit of muscle in my body. One second of vulnerability is all it takes to sync everything together. My heart and my mind... my heart and my arms... my heart and my eyes... my heart and my mouth.

The heart indeed holds on to things the mind would rather forget.

And I already said all the things I said. I've written all the words that I've written. I cannot take them back.

I don't mean to take them back... because I meant them all.

Just when I think no one can ever understand, the last person I expected to see through me was the one who was able to read between the lines. Sigh... so I guess that makes us even.

And I already said the things I said.

That is what happens when exasperation wins over the will to keep things silent... and when the heart feels nothing but remorse and misery, what else could it do?

What else could it do?

And I already said the things I said...

I spoke of the truth.

As always...

Just me and my heart tonight... as always. :')

I'm not sure if I dreamed all of it away.

*You can say what you want but it won't change my mind, I feel the same about you. And you can tell me your reasons but it won't change my feelings I feel the same about you.*

Run...run... run...

And although my head is bobbing up and down while Texas is singing...

I could only sigh.

The things I get myself into!

Oh well... it's still me and my heart tonight... like always.