letting go

Hay... kaya ko pa naman...

I'm still hanging on, and I can see the light, little by little.

I'm learning how to close all my doors, and I am starting to finally turn my back.

I STILL RECALL THE WORDS YOU SAID TO ME...

"I'm not going to hurt you this time... This time, I will be more serious. Hindi ko sasayangin ang chance...Wag kang mawawala..."

IT'S WHAT YOU DID NOT SAY THAT SETS ME FREE...

"...hindi ko alam... ang alam ko hindi pa tayo nakasira na 'ko ng pangako..."

Conversations...

...just letting it slip by my head probably for the last time. Let's just say this is my way of really saying goodbye. It's best doing things the way I see fit.

The week had been really stressful. Aside from the fact that we had duties after lecture, I had to deal with something that really tried my patience... fiercely taught my eyes how to not cry and see... and bitterly taught my heart how to feel nothing.

The sleepless nights I spent during our sem-break?... I made up for it by sleeping my nights away. I slept, and slept, and slept. I slept early and woke up late. Hehe, I'd like to think I slept all my frustrations away.

SIGH... yeah, weary I am. Last night, I was to study for our maternal and child nursing comprehensive exam but I slept right after I ate dinner. I was just really tired. Lately, sleep had been my only relief to life's pain.

I wasn't able to study. I slept on. I woke up early at dawn... and looked up the stars instead. They were shining bright, and it's been ages since I last saw them here at the Bonifacio sky. I missed them badly... then, something hit me.

AND I WON'T LOOK BACK, AND I WON'T REGRET... SOMEDAY I WILL FORGET.

I went to the kitchen and prepared the things I needed. Got that thing which had been lying around for nothing...

THIS IS LETTING GO... THIS IS LETTING GO...

candles and matches...

and along with my deep sighs, and together with the endless twinkling of the stars...

I silently watched the smoke fly away from where it came from. The flames subtly consumed the thing... and I watched and felt him melt away.

THIS IS LETTING GO . THIS IS LETTING GO.

Yeah. It felt good.

*song of the moment: letting go by Sozzi... super nakakarelate sa lyrics...*

slaps and blows

the blows keep on coming...

If this aren't clear signs, then I don't know what they are.

Yeah... I asked for it, and I got it.

Thank You's:

1. Thank God for letting me see the signs.
2. Thank God I felt the blows and slaps.
3. Thank God for letting me see the light.
4. Thank God I still have my heart with me.
5. Thank God I can still forgive.
6. Thank God I still have the courage to stand up again after tripping over.
7. Thank God for trying to heal my soul that just nearly died of humiliation.
8. Thank God I have friends to share my laughter and frustrations with.
9. Thank God for not making me fall so deep.
10. Thank God I still find reasons to be greatful and gracious when I have all the right to be bitter.

This is me... really getting tired, but trying to get on my feet after a disheartening fall.

Soon, I'll find, that everything that happened has a magical reason.

I'm keeping my faith...

That I will once again achieve that magical feeling... after I find out why he isn't meant for me.

string of words

just a phase... that will probably never end... it's always like this... never had the skill to make it through the bend...

i grasp what is left... nothing there but the things i can no longer hide... what wounds are there, with unknown depths... and the worsening misery inside...

undaunted...yet helpless...

courageous... but weary...

trying to be real... but being pretentious...

what is there left that is real?

pinakamalaking pagsubok sa buhay ko

pinakamahirap para sa kin?

tanggapin ang katotohanang nahuhulog na nga ako...

na kahit anong gawin ko para mamuhay ng kontento, meron pa ring darating para guluhin hindi lamang ang isip ko kundi pati na rin ang puso ko.

na kahit lahat ginawa ko na para manalo sa mga giyerang nilalabanan ko, paminsan kailangan kong tumanggap ng pagkatalo.

na kahit sabihin kong wala nararamdaman ko namang meron.

na kahit sabihin ko ayos lang naman talaga ko at pabayaan na lang ng iba, e kabaligtaran naman talaga ang gusto ko sabihin...

mahirap talaga...

pati nga pagsulat nito mahirap din.

wake up call

It's really getting late, but I have to do this very very quick blogging...

I am thankful for all the times that I realize my mistakes, and I am thankful for the strength to stand up where I tripped over.

I am letting go.
Seriously.
I am closing my doors for good.
The number of times He told me, "My dear, he isn't the one"....
the number of times I tried to refute what He had been telling me.
The number of times I cried after realizing that He's always right.

Forgive me once again Lord... I long to be held in Your arms. Embrace mo once again and make me feel Your overwhelming love that I desperately need...

I know that it's only You that can set me free.

fading pieces of me

I noticed that's it's been more than two months since I last went home to Muntinlupa... It's been ages since I last visited any part of Laguna... I can't recall the last time I was really eager to be home to be one with whatever atmosphere I had been used to at home...

SIGH... I just realized that I am not the same person I used to be.

I feel like everyday that goes by, I keep forgetting who I am...

The start of the semester had been a bizzare one. Fresh from summer break, I wasn't really sure if I had been heart broken or not. I left everything to chance not knowing what would come.

Almost two months had passed since the semester started.

Unlike before, I take the time to bond with my classmates. Gone are the days when my favorite place on earth was the hammock by our close to dying garden in Muntinlupa.Gone are the days when I was always eager to go home the minute class is dismissed... Tambay moments? I never thought I would see myself having tambay moments with my youthful friends who enjoy their time doing anything and nothing.



Honestly, I feel blessed that I have been given days when I worried about nothing and just laughed like crazy...like tomorrow's never gonna come. I also have new found friends... well, just one, now that I think of it, but still, I feel more attatched to my classmates now than before.



I didn't know there were so many things to enjoy in life. Hahahaha! Sobrang manang ko talaga before, ang dami ko talagang namiss! I am trying to make up for it now by trying out a whole lot of new things.



SIGH... it all feels so surreal... I am actually enjoying my new life. I didn't know I had such a fun-loving side of me. I'd like to think, or so I have realized, that I might not be that boring at all. Hehe... I have learned a lot... not lessons about our nursing subjects... but simply lessons about life that I wasn't able to grasp before. I feel so renewed. I can feel the change deep within me. I am now optimistic, my foolish anxities had lessen, and I feel contented with my life.



I should be happy right? So why am I sensing this lurking gloom somewhere in the recesses of my...what?heart?soul? SIGH... I am not really certain where that gloomy feeling is emanating from. I just feel it.



It's just that... I feel, that everyday that goes by that I allow myself to grow and change... everytime that I get older... I can't help but leave pieces of me behind.



I don't know myself anymore. Looking at myself now, I could see the benefits that the change in me had done, but I could also see the harm it inflicted upon me.



I miss the In-in that I am with ComLec. I miss being Krish with T.A. and I miss being...sigh... I miss being the old writing, crying and singing me.



Maybe I just need to go back home... go back to our real home. Just to remind me of who I really am. I need to see ComLec, I feel the need to serve because I had long forgotten the feeling that I am blessed to have the privilege to do so, and I need to go see T.A. and fool around with them.



Hahaha... or maybe I'm just scared that I'm moving on too fast. I don't wanna leave the people who are dearest to me behind. I don't wanna forget how I used to be, because I think I had like what and who I was... although I'm only realizing it now...



SIGH... again!hehehe...



And him? He made me realize there is more to me than being so idealistic and choosy and serious. Maybe he had to be in my life so that I could realize that I need to take a break, have fun and enjoy my time... I know nothing will come to be. Just like when the sem started, I am still letting things happen...



Just don't wanna wake up one day feeling empty because I left all the pieces of the old me behind... I fear that if I start to embrace the new me, I would start to hurt all over again.

*You are my sweetest downfall...*

terms of endearment

Sigh... ( I'm not sure if it's a good or a bad sigh)...

Okay... because I'd like to think I still have some traces of that bright and shiny spirit, I think that sigh will be... a good sigh. HAY!

It must be the rain... the rain used to make me feel melancholic and in some ways more than one, makes me cathartic. Amidst the feeling of merriment, I can feel this tinge of sadness brought about by who knows what... (reminder: I am happy and I should not dwell on foolish anxieties). Yeah... I'm allowing myself to think of this unidentified feeling for only an hour and I promise not to think of it again. I am happy...don't wanna worry my life away.

It's just that...things are getting crazier. Much as I try not to be amused, the more I get enticed. Hay! You know what sucks? It sucks to find out that I have this little side of me that wants to play around. Hmm...play around? Or is it play safe? It's just like what I reason out to my friends each and everytime... I just don't wanna get frustrated again. I am contradicting myself by saying I don't wanna play around and yet, I am placing myself in a situation that is more complicated than ever... My situation is bordering in a pseudorelationship much to my dismay. Okay, so not really that pseudo-pseudo relationship... arghh! I can't explain what it is!...what we are... All I can say is that I am enjoying things as they are and I am right about scared to take the next step. (there... can't believe this... I admitted my real feelings for two entries in a row now, wah! I am really changing!)

Why the hell am I planning to keep this bottle of (not so unique beverage) with me? Ahahaha! This day had been a blast. My tummy ached like hell, and by the end of the day, I was in the verge of puking. The rain made things even more nostalgic... I can clearly remember the running hours... the pink clothes, the cold room, the certificates, the jacket I borrowed, the warmth... and the terms of endearment? (would it qualify as that?!)

SIGH... I wonder how long I will be able to take this...

What do you think? Was it a good or bad sigh?

...I'm giving myself just an hour, nothing more and nothing less.

pseudorelationship?

I've never been the one to fool around, especially when it comes to a relationship...or love for that matter. I'd like to think my time is too precious to be wasted on games that aren't worth the pain.

I had a realization two weeks ago... I have been making myself suffer because of so many foolish anxieties that's why I feel miserable most of the time. Thanks to wonderwall and yogi bear, I had realized how blessed I am, and how my life means something more than what I'd like to think of it.

I feel like I'm Meredith Grey... in the sense that I am bright and shiny like her. Two weeks ago, after that sentimental moment by the hammock, I promised myself that I would choose to be happy no matter what happens. Yeah... it never really hurt to look at the brighter side of things and I am trying my best to do just that. I found out that being optimistic (and bright and shiny like Meredith) makes everything in life funny and bearable. I had a great time laughing my troubles off...as in sincerely laughing about it. For once in my life, I can attest that I had really felt cheerful. I am happy...because it had been my choice to be happy.

Let go and let God... I am so overwhelmed by His unconditional love. All the hurts I had felt during the summer had suddenly disappeared. I realized that I've got no reason to be sad and that if some things aren't meant to be, I just have to accept that.

Such is the case with him...that dying flicker of him. The last of the embers had been put out and I couldn't ask for anything more. I am contented with the fact that we can talk to each other again, give each other high fives, and make faces at each other like nothing awkward really happened between us. Not even once did we talk about what transpired over the summer. We never talked about our feelings, and I accepted our renewed friendship whole heartedly.

I am guilty that I might have been too friendly lately... that I have made him feel that I am okay with whatever he's good doing at. Maybe I have been riding along too much that even though we don't talk much about our feelings, he had the impression that we still have this understanding.

Bright and shiny Krish is being put to the test. I honestly enjoyed my day spending most of the time with him. He has this arrogant stance that makes me feel majestic in a number of wordless ways... and he surprises me each time. He's snobbish and sweet...just the way I like. I don't know if I should let myself feel him... coz I'd like to think I learned my lesson and that he just isn't the one... but I had fun...and I was happy (so damn hard to be honest to myself...no time for denial now, I am too happy).

Should I stop being too friendly?Or should I go on lavishing the happy feeling? I honestly don't want him to think I'd want things to turn back 'round, because I've already accepted the fact that it's close to impossible... but he isn't doing anything anyway, so I'd like to think I am not fooling around. I am definitely not playing around, I've never been the type to do that...

Sigh... whatever... I am just letting things happen.

It's just really weird... to realize I have felt the warmth, when I should've felt the cold...

No fooling around, promise.

patching things up

The first two weeks of school had been so stressful. Aside from ranting over our disorganized schedules, I had to pretend I was perfectly comfortable with the environment...(people and place alike).

Whatever had gone during the summer, I am so willing to leave behind. Knowing that I've got this unsettled feeling with me everywhere I go doesn' t really help. I can laugh about it, but after the laughter, the uneasy feeling doubles up. I have got to do something.

SIGH... this is worth a big sigh...

We aren't exactly friends as I would have hoped, but at least I don't feel any bitterness anymore. Come on, things had been so sudden, and it was good that I used my head and didn't invest too much emotions... it was something that I can whole heartedly brush aside.

I realized why a certain person had to become a part of my life... He may not know it but he saved me from a lot of unnecessary heartaches just by being the insistent person that he is. I guess God gave him to me as a friend so I can patch things up in a not so stressful way. Thank you Edlord...( I said I will not write names anymore, pero he deserves it... kung di dahil sa walang kahiyaan niya,malamang, nahihirapan pa rin ako). God always gives me the people I need. Mahal talaga ako ni Lord!

Sigh...I had a senti moment by the hammock tonight. After a very long time, I was finally able to cry out my hurts again... as in my old way of crying, that peaceful and effortless pouring of tears... Lately kase, nahirapan akong umiyak...kaya hindi ako nagiging okay dahil hindi ko maiyak mga hurts ko masyado. I had become stone hearted and I really didn't like the way it made me feel. So there... the hours I spent by the hammock were the most peaceful hours I had so far for the last two months.

I talked to God the way I talk to Him before. I missed that...having a sentimental moment with Him. I cried out my hurts... the way I think that He's being unfair, and all my lamentations about my not so pleasant life. I couldn't see the stars because the hammock was hanging between two small trees, and my view was covered with just leaves and branches...but the wind was so soothing, not too cold and not too humid. It was good enough. It had been a good cry, and it really gave me relief.

My request had been granted just tonight...just moments before I started adding an entry here on my blog. I couldn't have been more relieved, now I can sleep perhaps a little more peaceful. At least one of my constant worries had been resolved.

I don't know what will happen tomorrow. All I know is that, I'm glad I had the courage to even try to patch things up... Would it be conceited of me to think that I am learning from my mistakes and I am becoming a strong and rational person because of it?... Sigh... hehe, I'm just proud of myself for not being pathetic, that's all.

Lord, sobrang namiss ko Kayo... be with me again tomorrow, and for the rest of my days. =)

coming home

It's like the old times... I'm here at our real home in Muntinlupa and I am savoring the comfort it never lost.

I arrived here yesterday with mom and my sister Gel-gel. My mom and I went out. Her cellphone ran out of batteries hours after we arrived at the mall and she had to ask me to put her sim card in my cell phone because she needed to reply to an important text message.

I was so reluctant to grant her the favor. I quickly thought of all the registered calls in there that I have carefully not deleted. Missed calls, dialled numbers, and received calls most especially. Being the sentimental person that I am, I take pleasure in seeing the names of the special people in my life in my registered calls. It's my way of making myself feel good... that at one point in their busy lives, those special people called me, thought of me, and conversed with me despite the damage it would have done to their cellphone's load and phone bills.

As it was inevitable, I had to do what is right to do. I did what mom wants, and I didn't have time to take one last look at my dear registered calls. In a few seconds, they were gone from my phone's memory.

I went home not knowing how I feel about it. I was thinking about the one last call he made, and the call the other he made, and the last call made by him(Ahehe... daming him! manghula ka!) and the missed call made by another him(wahahaha!). They are now gone from my list. I think I felt a twinge of regret and a little bit of helplessness. I couldn't bring the list back.

Then I remembered... I'm in a letting go phase again and what had happened was the thing that I exactly needed. Fate was telling me to start on a clean slate, literally!

It was all good. I have to keep on saying this to myself. It was all for the best.

The flickering him struck again. He once again proved what an arrogant coward he is...sorry for the insult. I really had a feeling it will all end to this and it did.

So what had happened... it was all for the best. I had to be okay about it because I have to be. He isn't worth anything at all. I'm probably saying this now because I am upset, well...I have every right to be. This is my life and I am free to choose the way I want to make it right.

It's really time to leave things in the dark. This time I have to mean what I say... and I mean it. I mean it this time with all my heart. I could not wait to leave everything behind and now I'm glad I found the strength to actually fulfill it.

It was stupid of me to think at one point that there might be something to consider... because clearly, there wasn't any. That's probably it. The signs perfectly fit.

I'd like to think that this thingy with flickering him that transpired will make me a better person. I am glad I am home. I can once again re-evaluate my feelings and lash out my hurts silently the way I used to do. I am accepting my status... that I am one bitter, man-hating-fool... I just need to let this phase pass, and when I finally become alright, I know I'll forget that I ever felt this way.

when boredom equates to death

What had been so great about this summer?...

Aside from being bored to death, I realized that jogging is indeed a good exercise, and I got to experience pulling weeds (reeds and relatives of dandelions for that matter) from our lawn's bermuda grass.

Don't get me wrong... I don't wanna pull out weeds for the rest of my life. I got calluses in my hands because the weeds weren't that easy to take out of the damned soil. Take one weed for example. It's smaller than a certain tree's sapling, just a three-leafed tiny stem on the surface, but when I try to pull it out, it won't budge. I hold on tightly... and I pull as hard as I could. Beads of sweat will start to form on my forehead. My breathing gets tight, my stomach muscles crunch (good exercise too!) and my throat tightens too. When I finally pull out the wicked weed, its root which is more than five inches long would appear in front of me. Such a long root for one small weed. I won't even manage to pull out the whole of its length.

Sometimes, the roots that I would unearth would really surprise me. They come out intertwined with the other roots of the weeds in the grass. Sometimes, the main roots of the weeds I pull would come from a different and far spot from where the weed was originally planted.

I must say, pulling out weeds killed my time in the morning and it did amuse me. The intertwining roots, the pretty, green leaves, the moist soil and the wet smell of it... When I get tired, I'd look at the bunch of weeds I managed to pull out. They'd be in great heaps, but when I look at the whole lawn, there would still be lots of patches of weeds left for me to pull out. They never seem to run out.

Then it just hit me... these weeds I try to pull out... they're like my sins. They're like my obsession and addiction to not so important things. They're like senseless reasons and philosophies in life that are planted deep within me. No matter how hard I pull, though they get out of my system, let's say, as often as I pull out the weeds in our lawn, they never totally die because I can never pull out the roots right down to its very tip (or shall I say apex?gosh! I should've really paid more attention to our Botany class way back when I was still taking up Biology). They keep on growing back... again and again.

Self-pity, selfishness, impatience,hatred,envy,greed(paminsan lang pero kahit na, hindi pa rin justifiable),gluttony,laziness,pride, and perhaps infatuation.

They're my weeds that I can't eradicate out of my system.

I look at my callused hands again. Before they became calluses they had been blisters.

I just realized that I am like the grass. I have patches of unwanted weeds growing all over me... and God is my gardener. He tries to pull out my weeds everyday of my life. His hands will probably never run out of blisters. Unlike me, He will never tire of pulling out my weeds just as He proved always that He never ceases to forgive me from my sins. I am humbled that He tends to me that much.

Wow... I am dead serious. It's amazing how enlightenment came over me just because of pulling out weeds from the grass.

SIGH... the real thing is... that him... I mean he... that him which involved a flicker of that, which died (sorry, no details kaya magulo...hehe, let me be!)... I think he's starting to be my weed too. If this goes on I may not know how to pull it out of me. Can weeds be good in some ways?Is there such a thing as a good weed?

I am confused... and really scared.

I need my gardener now. I need Him to help me pull out my weeds. If that weed which is him stays there, then maybe I'll take it as a sign that there might be really something to consider.

Again...what had been so great about this summer?

I learned that I could confuse myself more than anyone could... and it's good in a way because I get to use my brain. It's not so good because I am creating unneccessary stress.

SIGH...times like this... I call it moments of boredom equating to death.

namimiss kita pag summer break: for mcflirt...

Sigh...

I had written something about a dying flicker of that...

It stopped dying. Now, it's really dead.

And I'm here, telling myself I am just alright... but he's right. It's my head talking and not my heart.

Just don't wanna force myself into thinking too much. It just would not be fair.

SIGH...again... hahahaha!

I love messing things up. Maybe I'm too used to messing things up that's why when fate favors me one time and gives me the chance to make things right, I end up making it wrong.

He's probably right again. Maybe I haven't really moved on like what I believe...

Reasons?

Well... I moved on in the sense that I've forgiven him and that I've accepted we're not meant to be...

...but maybe...just maybe... I never forgot how hurt I've been and I'm scared, still scared that it might happen again. I moved on, forgetting the person, but I'm still living with the pain.

You realize these are all maybe's...

He's right... I should just let things happen... and I have to keep in mind what wonderwall always tell me: don't invest too much emotions.

Sigh... it's nothing really...

I had been selfish...maybe...

...and I miss him...maybe I miss him... I think I'm feeling that I'm missing him.

...it's really weird.

No more details diba? manghula ka kung sino mga him!hahaha!hay...

pure feelings

I am back to where I was before. A little stronger and decisive but perhaps more lonelier than I've ever been.

Loneliness?...it isn't such a threat anymore. Emptiness and I have become one. I've learned to live with it with my whole life, I've blended well with what is here and what is gone.

The only way he could have hurt me is if I give him the right. No rights were rendered, I gave him nothing to claim... It is the same for me... I have no joy, likewise any sorrow to gain.

Perhaps he never knew who he really was dealing with.

I am changing to a person I have never been before... the girl I was and had been, with or without him. He was so unfortunate for bumping into me during this unexpected transition.

Hahahaha...

No hurts my friend...just plain disbelief and amusement.

All that came to be?... just tells me... he is not the right one for me.

Pure feelings... no more details.

words and meanings

Courting... according to the dictionary, it means to seek the affection of... (I don't have to write all of it down)...

Loneliness...The condition of being lonely; solitude; seclusion

Attraction...the quality of arousing interest; being attractive or something that attracts
******************************************************************************
Words and meanings

the dictionary says what these words mean... and still I'm here, baffled and wondering...

Here I am trying to hold everything in.
Saying that I'm confused would be the greatest understatement of all.
I wanna hide, but there's nowhere to go.
I am scared of what lies ahead...
of what my tomorrow will become, I need not know...

Feelings, only I can understand...
will probably be forgotten in the dark,
Why stop myself from flying high?
I just do not want to lose my heart.

So here I am...
just trying to ride with the flow...
Is he worthy enough?
Only time will let me know.

I am used to my loneliness
and maybe it's something he'll never understand...
I have to stop finding words and their meanings,
and let go of these feelings while I still can.

I do not love you_Pablo Neruda

I do not love you... by Pablo Neruda

I do not love you as if you were salt-rose, or topaz,
or the arrow of carnations the fire shoots off.
I love you as certain dark things are to be loved,
in secret, between the shadow and the soul.

I love you as the plant that never blooms
but carries in itself the light of hidden flowers;
thanks to your love a certain solid fragrance,
risen from the earth, lives darkly in my body.

I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where.
I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride;
so I love you because I know no other way

that this: where I does not exist, nor you,
so close that your hand on my chest is my hand,
so close that your eyes close as I fall asleep.

wag ako?!

"I finally find you and I collide..." (this is my song of the moment: Collide by Howie Day)

I mean literally...

When was it that I last felt this way? Last sem? That was more of a superficial infatuation that ended as soon as it happened.

Now? I do not like to think of what might be happening with me again. I just wish I am that numb girl I was way back in high school. I feel the need to complicate my life when I could live it in the simplest possible way I can.

What's the reason behind writing this non-directional entry?

I don't know...my mind is as blank as my heart.

I tried updating my diary last night and all I did was stare at the pages. I owe my diary tons of stories about what's happening with my not so good life, and last night, I finally had all the time and I wasted it because I just stared... hahaha!stared at the clock ticking...stared at the dining table with its glistening thai silk cover, stared at the screener up in the ceiling that screeched like crazy, stared at the dark kitchen, stared at my pen... I just stared and stared. I wasn't even thinking!

Or maybe I was thinking too much that I don't remember what I was really thinking of.

Then suddenly, at 1:35 am, I picked up my pen and started scribbling away.

I wrote a poem about him again.

Not as interesting as "Kalabaw ng Buwan"... but I wrote what I really felt.

When was the last time I felt this way? How do I know that I like this guy a lot?

SIGH... this morning I found out... and staring for hours around the house had helped me clear my mind.

I start to really like someone when I start writing poems about him.

And he and I literally collide...hahaha!

Uh-oh... I'm in deep trouble again.

Wish I could be a bird so I can fly, fly, fly away.

mean it when you say it...

"Men are monsters"...

I say that all the time.

Why?

Because they are!

Sigh...they just are.

The one time you think they are not, they end up being monsters just the same.

Sigh... (and it's that not so good sigh again).

SIGH... SIGH... SIGH...

Hahahahaha!

Here's the thing... I never learn. I say men are monsters and I don't take the meaning by heart.

They are monsters... should I befriend monsters? Should monsters be trusted? Should monsters even be cared for?

... I am at lost for words...what's the best thing to say when you don't exactly know if you're angry, frustrated or relieved at the same time?

One more time... I say men are monsters... I don't take the meaning by heart.

Why do I always listen to the nicer side of me? Why do I give in to that little voice inside of me saying, somewhere, somehow, I still got faith in men?!

I could have sworn he was different... or maybe I am just so impatient...

SIGH...

...and I couldn't even look at the stars anymore. I'm too busy to even whisper my hurts to the stars. I miss the night skies and the serenity they make me feel.

I don't take the meaning of the things I say by heart...

Just like when I said I'd have to take things lightly and not invest too much emotions...just like when I said I have to stop the feeling, turn around and walk away...

Just like when I promised I will say goodbye before he even says hello...

Hahaha...

Just like him when he says things that I believe in...

MEAN WHAT YOU SAY MAN...then I could sleep peacefully tonight.

I don't play games...and I don't fool around.

mr.dream boy

Year 2003...

I remember wearing my shocking pink, hello kitty blouse that my besf friend from high school gave me. I was lost in thoughts. The jeepney I was riding in was being filled with passengers at the side of the Humanities building of UPLB.

Helen Almendrala (a classmate from comm I class,if i'm not mistaken), hopped in while I was busy amusing myself, watching students scram all over the humanities steps. She was on her way home just like I was.

That one particular ride came back flashing in my mind this early morning of January 23rd. Helen was a jovial and perky person. We talked about so many things on that coincidental ride. How eating apples only during lunch time can make you thin, how bernard, alex, and the rest of our common acquaintances were before, and how literally loud wishful thinkings come true.

Loud wishful thinkings...

I have been doing a lot of that lately. It's not because I want everybody to hear my desires. It's not because I am desperate... It's probably because I didn't take it as a serious thing. That what I was thinking loudly was just a silly dream.

Helen was right. Loud wishful thinkings can come true sometimes.

The craziest thing happened to me. It's something I cannot share right now. All I can say is that I am silently happy that my loud wishful thinking came true. Shallow or not, pointless or significant... I am happy I got to know what it feels like.

They say good things come to those who wait. I lost my faith in that saying ages ago when I waited for all the wrong reasons...

My loud wishful thinking that came true...well, it finally explained why I had to be wrong. It gave me good reasons to believe why all the hurts I got through were all for the best.

I am happy. Silently...like floating in the clouds happy..

naglahong superhero

Today's just one of those days when I realize that I am wounded like everyone else...

Sigh... but I am choosing to be happy.

I was broken last monday night...even destroyed. I shamefully admit that even the smallest of things can break me sometimes. I am after all, human... weak and exhausted sometimes.

The hammock had to bear the whole weight of me. I felt heavier because I was laden with tears, anxiety and emptiness. The stars were beautiful as always... and I let the wind blow away my cries... I let go of him one last time... then I was okay.

I washed down my sadness with one big mug of rocky road ice cream. It was gel-gel's birthday, I really didn't feel like pigging out but the ice cream was irresistable. Jett also kissed me because I asked him to and he did... He helped me put my sadness away. It was so sweet of my only brother to attempt to make me feel better. Sigh... I hope he stays that way forever.

It was because of him that I remembered that all hope is not lost. I still have my family, and I am sure that I will be loved by them for the rest of their lives. I did feel loved, and I swore after that I will try my best to be happy again.

Sigh... I've already let go of what I own not. Haha... it had been such a bizzare turn out. It was a shame things had to end this way. Hmm... it didn't have a start anyway!Hahaha!I'm really okay now. I'm not lying to myself. Of course I cried, but I can definitely say that would be the last time. I am choosing to forget and be happy, remember?

Poker faced or not, this is the way I live. Maybe I'll be a mystery to some people forever. Maybe it's the reason why my desires don't come to life... whatever... This is my life and this is the way I want to live.

He's gone. I'm okay now. I can gracefully walk around pretending that I have not lost anything. God knows I'm trying to be happy...I really am...

He's just gone...he'll never be the one who will save me.

pagpapalaya kay superman

Staying awake again at one in the morning...

My spirit was dampened because the clouds yet again hid my falling stars... Would it be rightful of me to claim them?Nothing would make me more happy than seeing them shoot past before my eyes. I am humbled everytime they light up my sky.

Sigh... our sem-break is about to be over. So will be my tormenting infatuation.

I just keep telling myself that everything happens for a reason. I should enjoy the moments that I am thrilled, and I should forget the moments that I feel lonely. Maybe he had to be in my life for a while to help me forget someone in the past. I remember mom telling me that finding a replacement isn't the right way to mend a broken heart... I didn't find a replacement. I didn't want anybody to come, but somebody did.

Yes, he turned my mournful world into a simple place of bliss. Suddenly, my foolish anxieties were mere gushes in my head ( I can tolerate physical pain pretty well). If everything that happened was meant for me to be enjoyed in just a short time, then so be it. What happened helped me realize one thing: I can let go and love again no matter how many times my heart gets broken.

Maybe I was wrong to not assume and assume something at the same time. Hahaha... it's funny how I always laugh things off when they get awfully crazy. One thing's for sure... I get turned off with guys who aren't men enough to admit their feelings. I hate seguristas! You know the feeling of stopping yourself from liking a certain person because he's way too devious from your standards?...but you just had to bend your standards because you like him too much?

Hahahaha! What the hell was I thinking?! Even I couldn't blame myself from thinking of just that. Experience is indeed the best teacher. I promise to be more careful next time. Men are monsters. The monsters in them hide when you get to know them and when you finally get to know them, and they get to know you, they pounce on you leaving you helpless and hanging. Hahaha!I am not being bitter. This is Krishna accepting a fact. The truth is, I am not gonna let myself hang this time. Hang for what? Questions that are better left unanswered?

Even the stars are telling me to stop myself from dangerously falling... and I guess I have to do just that.

If I decide to let go, I will let go. If I choose to forget, I know I will forget. If he realizes his weakness even for just a minute late, then the odds of bringing him and me together would be a chance lost forever.

Tonight, I am letting go, and tonight, I am choosing to forget.

Hahaha! I love laughing things off!

Sigh... the clouds my go on hiding my beloved stars...but it doesn't mean they are not there. They are still in the sky, waiting to be gazed upon and be called God's wonders every night by a foolish dreamer like me.

Namimiss kita pag sem-break

Ngayong Gabi

Ngayong gabi
sa ilalim ng mga tala
kausap ko ang malihim na hanging
walang atubiling sumasalo ng aking mga panaghoy.

Ako'y mistulang isang baliw na walang puwang sa mundo...
ang isip ay binabalot ng mga palaisipang
nais manatiling mga misteryo habang buhay.

Mantakin mo'y sinubok kong hamunin ang mga ulap
na nagbabadyang itago
ang mga bituin sa kalangitan...
Nais ko lamang mapakawala
ang kahibangang nananalaytay sa aking pagkatao.

Bakit ba hindi ko magawang mapagod,
at magsawa sa kapapanalangin?
na ang mga pagsusumamo ko ay dinggin...
gabi gabi na lamang ay nagtiyatiyagang humiling sa mga bituin.

Ngayong gabi
gaya ng mga gabing nagdaan sa mundo...
Ako'y patuloy na nakikiusap sa mga bulalakaw na nagdadaan
na pagbigyan ang minimithi ko...

Sana'y mapagod ka na rin sa pagtatago
at maisipang basagin ang katahimikan mo.

popped glove

Pleading that an ever deaf heart would not hear,
Oblivious I look, it may seem.
Pensive...it is what I desire for the world to see that I will be.
Part blissful, part mournful...
Enigmatic, I will once again be.
Divulgent not of what really burns inside of me.

Gallivanting in a hazy world that surrounds me...
Losing myself in where I thought I would be found...
Only these actions can draw myself in an unknown land,
Very confusing though immensely grand.
Everything melts and freezes as the world conspired with this one moment in time.

haiku para kay superman

Haiku

Superman

The great superman...
He saved not the world because
he pined for Ms. Lane.

-----o0o-----

I'm just thinking of what Pat wrote in her blog.

"is it worth to feel the extreme happiness when afterwards you'll just be disappointed?
or is it enough to just feel that great joy even though it wont last?
the world need super heroes.
superman, batman, spiderman yadayadayada.
kayo na lang sumalo ng lahat. hindi naman kayo nasasaktan e."

-An excerpt from Nada, by Patricia Anne Medina, Blue Motorcycle-

...HAY... and it's that not so good sigh again...

Didn't I just write something about converting currents of infatuation to waves of fury?

Well, the thing is, currents are still stronger than waves...and here I am struggling to stop myself from drowning in these currents. Why didn't I become contented with the waves? Life would be more simple and serene.

I feel like I'm drowning deeper and deeper by the minute... if I go any deeper I could lose my life. It breaks me apart to have to live everyday like this... trying to stay out of a lovely trap... forever struggling to leave things the way they should be left, and forgetting what I really feel for the eternal good of all.

I need saving. I need saving so badly. I need someone to save me now.

Superman?
He can't save me.
He can't even save the world now...
He's too busy pining for Lois Lane.

The currents are swallowing me whole. I am lost in an unpleasant, dark and mocking swirl.
Why isn't my anger enough to unleash my own powers so I could be the rescuer of myself?

I am drowning... dangeroulsy drowning.

You know what's scaring the hell out of me?...

... I think I'm loving the feeling.

Patamaan ba si superman?

Who would've thought that the nurse's station at the 8th extension floor of Medical Center Manila would be one of my favorite places on earth?

I didn't think it was possible. I have no other option but to stand all day, get bothered by ringing phones and buzzers, and get lulled to sleep by lifeless charts. How could I possibly love it?

I'm in love with the place for the simplest reasons.

1. Standing there gives me the feeling that I am really a nurse.
2. I don't mind watching doctors and surgeons go over the patients' charts... they are reminders of what I would be in the future. (Ahehe...asa pa!...malay mo naman...It's not yet too late.)
3. Filling out the charts makes me feel that I understand something about being what I have to be.
4. It's not as humid in there as it is in the stretcher room.
5. Staying there gives me the perfect excuse to avoid those who I want to avoid.
6. I usually find peace and quiet in there...(kahit mga five minutes lang, laking tulong yon para sa damdamin kong maraming dinadala.)
7. The precious minutes of being alone gives me time to reflect about my life. About what I feel, about everything that goes inside my head.
8. It is where I find myself after being lost all night wondering in misleading thoughts.

Who cares if my thighs and feet ache like hell at the end of the day?

It's the only place in the entire hospital that wakes me up and reminds me of how my life really works. It's real, frank and plainly true. It doesn't dwell in mendacity, but deals with reality.

9. It is where I can bravely convert currents of infatuation to waves of fury.

10. It saves myself from being my vulnerable, weak and pathetic self.

I gotta love it...

writer's block part two

Running Hours at the 8th Extension Floor

Everything comes alive at the nurse's station...

The nursing cap...
Plain. Bland. Cold.
Apathetic. Proud. Majestic.
It stands still as a corpse.
Useless and sanguine.
Its prestige accounts not for what it's worth.

IV infusion...
Transparent. Aloof. Guarded.
Frightened. Hurting. Begging.
It pleads silenty for its life.
Pitiful and tragic.
It self destructs with every drip in order to construct another.

10 cc syringe...
Ebullient. Erect. Fierce.
Cruel. Blood thirsty. Merciless.
It waits ferociously in broad day light.
Vaunting and taunting.
It brings misery in order to cure.

I... a mere of a person.
Invisible. Prejudged. Hollow.
Hopeless. Bitter. Tired.
I drown in my soliloquy.
Silent and loud.
I breathe in vain... wanting not to be seen and be seen at the same time.

my own writer's block

My tears.
I share them with my pillows.
Silent.Violent.Comforting.
Every night, they put me to sleep.

SIGH...

What to do you say to a friend in need?

I had a friend in need... Well, he didn't exactly say he was in need. I just assumed he did.He needed... consoling perhaps?

DJ's mom died just recently. He's my super great friend who has a habit of showing up everytime I'm in the verge of giving up on my life. When he called me, I didn't even know what to say.

I went to to his mom's funeral with Sky...and I finally got to see him after what seemed like years. He looked okay.His eyes were red and puffy (but he told me he didn't cry) maybe because of lack of sleep...and he looked older. (Probably because we are all getting older).

What do I say to a friend who had just lost someone special in his life?

I was there... and though I grew up learning how to love and play with words, I found myself not finding the right words at all. I didn't know what to say at all.

Condolence?...Be strong?...What else? Are these words all I can tell to a friend who have helped me so much with his words?This is how I repay him for making my life bearable?

SIGH... then it just struck me. I don't have to say anything, right? I just have to be there and let him figure out what I'm trying to say or not say.

I was depressed before the month of July started. I had all the reasons to be bitter and hard... but he said things that woke me up and made me realize how pathetic I've become... More pathetic than before.

I cried during the mass... although I didn't know his mom personally, I felt the feeling of most of the people there. The feeling of emptiness...perhaps a litte bit of denial, anger and despair.

I just wonder how I could stand lamenting everyday about my life when I've got so much... and I look at him and I see him being strong though it hurts.

Seeing him made me feel relieved... Here's the craziest thing: His mom died and I was the one who needed consoling.

My tears?
They still put me to sleep every night.
Silent.Bittersweet.Assuring.
They need not say anything...
I just need them to get through the night.

breaking away

What am I doing here when I've only got fifteen minutes before my Pharmacology class starts?... I have fifteen minutes to write what I feel like writing, cry a little and race the campus and corridors to reach class right on time.

Define crazy.

Crazy is when my classmates are going crazy over their time consuming homework about Asian Civilization, and others are going crazy over a ten-sentenced speeh for Oral Communication class.

Define crazy.

It is when I start listening to very old, as in way too old sentimentals songs. (Can you believe it? I'm listening to Paul Anka's Times of your life).

It is when I get to do nothing because I think too much of everything.

It is when I can't get this stupid smirk and smile off my face because something good just happened.

It is when I start rereading my diaries in high school late at night.

It is when my heart starts to race like hell and I feel like I could giggle for a life time.

Is craziness drug induced?

I don't think so...

I'm just crazy right now. Plain crazy...or maybe shallow happy crazy.

Hahaha!

Have I been that good lately?...

I was just singing the song sway by bic runga ..."it gets me so tired, i feel so uninspired..." Just as I was feeling that, here comes an ordinary school day and God gave me something to be crazy about. Hey, I really am lavishing in the moment!

Define crazy.

It is when thoughts just come pouring out of my head and I write things that probably do not mean anything to you.

It is when I forget what a sentence or a paragraph is.

It is when I realize that my class is about to start in three minutes and I still sit here worrying about nothing because I AM CRAZY HAPPY.

I am basking in the moment. Everybody seems to be moving on with their lives. I don't know if it is the same for me but at least I'm moving.Hahaha!

Crazy is synonymous to me.
Nothing seems sane and real about me.

bitter-bitteran

bitter-bitteran =)

Hay...

Last week, sobrang bwisit ako sa buhay ko. I was struggling with so many things... Gusto ko nang manahimik...gusto ko nang magbagong buhay...gusto kong makalimot...gusto ko nang mamahinga at madami pa 'kong ginusto

...Hahaha!I feel better now. I can laugh it off everytime I think about it. I was unfair to some of the people na napagbuntungan ko ng sama ko ng loob.Hehehe, I would like to blame it all on the hormones...hirap kase maging babae e.

Basta, here are my apologies:

To that person who intended to be my friend... I'm sorry for being so rude. Maybe you're intentions of being my friend was sincere.Malas mo lang...you caught me at a bad time. You were the last person I wanted to talk to. I meant it when I told you we can be friends pero next year na lang.Alam mo naman sitwasyon diba, wag matigas ulo mo.Hinayaan na kitang maging masaya...pabayaan mo muna ko. Thanks in advance.

To the other person who wanted to be my friend... stop trying so hard to be accepted. Pag pinagpilitan mo sarili mo lalo ka lang hindi mapapansin at lalo kang lalabas na papansin.I'm sorry for being insensitive...I'm sorry for all the hurtful things I said(haha, I meant them). I know I made you feel intimidated (warning: you should be, coz you don't know me), and I apologize for that too. If you feel that I'm avoiding you, I'm sorry but I feel that I have to.Talking about it will definitely not help make things better, pabayaan mo muna ko, di tayo pareho ng wavelength.

To ina magenta... I'm sorry for feeling irritated with the way you talk. I know you've been nothing but nice to me and to my friends. Hehe, I'll be more patient with you next time, promise.

To God... sorry for feeling so hateful of so many things.I feel weak and broken... I need you to restore me and make me whole.Thank You for always making me feel Your overwhelming love even if I don't deserve it

....wahahaha!Di naman na ako ganon ka bwisit sa buhay ko gaya noong nakaraang linggo, pero I'm definitely still in my bitchy mood today. Hahahaha!Sorry... masayang maging masama paminsan...

...wala lang. Sky, miss na kita...

another day

March 26, 2006

Another Day

Long time no write... I thought I'd never write again...

I had a tiring day. I almost fainted while standing in line, waiting for the result of our battery exam. I passed by the wayz... Thank You so much Lord! All the worrying was worth it.

I am hungry... tired... exhausted... SIGH... nothing a happy ****** day can't cure. =)
I am so... happy. Not because I passed the battery exam, not because community diagnosis is over, not because I can sleep with less worries now... I am happy because I can smile about my life...As in really smile. I am happy because I think I have already gotten around, I had so many wake up calls these past three weeks and my broken spirit was renewed yet again. I am happy to be just where I am. I am happy because inspite of all my so called pains... I was able to see the light, and I am not straying from it. I have my own life to fix.

Today, I am happy... just happy... happy because after being in a hall packed with people, breathing in not only oxygen but also corona virus from sneezes and sweat from who knows where (it was disgusting!)... the day ended up to be another happy "******" day. Hehehe... Having him say my name was my ultimate reward. Hmmm... I am so... HAPPY.

"Another day" by Mojofly describes my day today:

I think I'll go home now,
it's been the greatest day. (One of the simplest great days of my life)
Thank you for shedding life to my fantasy.
Throw me a wicked smile, the one like yesterday (in my case, the one like all the other days he flashed his killer smile),
that threw me up and away to the ever green... (I bet ever green is as good as heaven...I'll take it)
Like a spiral staircase
down I go losing every step
I sense an earthquake
I.L.U. don't even know how to say (grabe ha! di pa naman umaabot sa ganito!)
when will it break
today is gone
but tomorrow will be okay
i'll wait another day ...

Hehehe... I'll wait another day. I know nothing will come to be... I'm just contented with the way things are . I'll wait not for things to turn around. I'll wait another day for the smile that can keep me going at least for the day.

Hehehe... wicked smile!

I am so happy...

There's something different with the way he says KRISH. Not that more than something or special wistful something. Just that ordinary, innocent, plain, no meaning something. I'll take it... as long as it makes me happy.

It's better this way...It's fun and not complicated.

looking back

Today is my "trip to the past" day.

I went to two places that changed my life greatly.

I didn't want to think it was too long ago, but it's been quite a while since I last stepped foot in my old high school. I thought I would never have a reason to come back... my favorite teachers were gone, I don't know anyone in there anymore, all my friends in the lower batches are in college too... I thought I would never see that place again...

How wrong I was.

I needed this certificate that will prove that I graduated as part of the upper 40% in high school. So against all my will, I had to go back there and face my fears. I feared so many things. I feared seeing Sir. John. I feared him asking me how I am...how he is... how we are.

As you know, everything is different now. I feared that Sir. John might be disappointed that I still haven't graduated. I didn't want to talk about him and me because it's honestly still painful for me, and I don't wanna cry in front of him.

I was so anxious at the start of the day like I always am. I was hoping against hope that the school staff had forgotten about me and him being together so there would be no questions asked.

When I got there, I was surprised to see a different place. It still had its homey feeling, but deep inside, I couldn't help feeling like a stranger. The place looked entirely different. Gone was the quadrangle where we used to catch frogs in Biology class. The open spaced school that I got used to before felt strangely tight now with its newly built walls. I couldn't help but be sad. Memories came flooding in my mind.

I went straight to the office to get what I need to have things done and over with. Sir. John was forever present. I was nervous and relieved about it. I felt welcome and even the owners of the school were very friendly to me. They talked to me as if I was one of them.

"Sabi ni Jica ang baboy baboy na raw ni Jesher! Bakit hindi siya nagee-mail sa 'kin?"

Did he really have to ask? I was afraid he might, and he really did! Typical of Sir. John to ask something about him... I guess he (sir) didn't forget about us. At least before that his first comment from the moment he saw me was "Miss Tedor! Ang ganda ganda mo na ngayon!" WOW. Talk about boosting my self-esteem. I've been feeling ugly for as long as I can remember.

Anywayz, I had to tell him the truth. So I told him, (Mr. and Mrs. Ilmedo was there too, trust me, it was so embarrassing) that we already broke up. ( Mrs. Ilmedo asked why?!!! I was caught off guard!) I nearly cried. I didn't want to talk about it... "Meron na ba siyang iba?" What?! I could feel my tears swelling up!Fortunately for me, it didn't fall.

"E, ganon po talaga."

Thank You Lord for giving me the strength to answer. Sigh... my stay there was brief but I was happy I came back. No... I wasn't able to turn back the time, but I was able to face my fear...my fear of seeing people from my past, feeling sad about him and me not being us anymore. I am so relieved. Thank You Lord for giving me relief.

Now, I'm in LB, wasting the hour away with Pat. LB has changed too, but the memories I had here will never be gone. I feel so ecstatic.

I'm in LB... I got to be home at last.

rip it

SIGH...

It's hard to put up a straight face.

I read Sky's blog...and it made me laugh. She wrote: "My life starts now...5...4...3...2...1..."

Can my life be lived that way? Can my day start that way?

I don't know where she gets her drive to live. I mean, there she goes facing life as bravely as she could... here I am getting better and better at being anxious about my life.

In a way, I'm like her. I have to condition myself every morning to face my fears and get on with the day. I don't count from five to one... I usually give myself five minutes to actually get a hold of myself and start the day and get things done and over with.

I always pray to God that I may be able to bear all the hurts I have to feel for the day. I don't know what's happening to me... but I am scared to live the day. I don't wanna die...I just want to sleep forever. Sigh... I know life is beautiful, and that happiness is a choice... sometimes, I just get lost again and feel sad and...pathetic.

Last night, I was ignoring the fact that I was hurting. FRIENDS made me laugh... Joey was hilarious! Charmed almost lulled me to sleep. PBB was okay... I was trying hard to cheer myself up... but when it was time for me to really sleep... I cannot help being anxious about my life again. I can't help feeling stressed about the things I need to do, the things I cannot do anymore, the things that will never be... it's emotionally tiring.

You know what I did?... It was the craziest thing I ever did.

RIPPED...CUT...RIPPED...CUT...RIPPED.

Do I have any regrets?... Surprisingly, I don't feel bad about it. It was great finally having to tear those pictures apart. With every ripping sound, I could feel my heartbeat race faster... the hurt slowy ebbing away. When they were all ripped into pieces...I felt so relieved. SIGH... definitely no regrets.

You know what the problem with me was?... I was still holding back and it was doing me no good. Why hold on to reasons not holding on to? I had to do it... because it was too painful to see myself in that happy situation. Besides, I have enough memories in my mind to last me a lifetime. I don't need them anymore. They'll only give me reasons to cry everytime I see them.

I am so tired of being talked to with words that are cold and flat... (I deserve more than that... gaya ng sabi ni Michael Buble).

This morning, when I woke up, the hurt was gone. I am so proud of myself I can't help to laugh about the whole thing. Hehehe... my life is not too bad again. I am choosing to be happy...and though I have to start the day convincing myself to face the day, at least I found the strength to go through my anxieties.

God is the strength of my heart.