breaking away

What am I doing here when I've only got fifteen minutes before my Pharmacology class starts?... I have fifteen minutes to write what I feel like writing, cry a little and race the campus and corridors to reach class right on time.

Define crazy.

Crazy is when my classmates are going crazy over their time consuming homework about Asian Civilization, and others are going crazy over a ten-sentenced speeh for Oral Communication class.

Define crazy.

It is when I start listening to very old, as in way too old sentimentals songs. (Can you believe it? I'm listening to Paul Anka's Times of your life).

It is when I get to do nothing because I think too much of everything.

It is when I can't get this stupid smirk and smile off my face because something good just happened.

It is when I start rereading my diaries in high school late at night.

It is when my heart starts to race like hell and I feel like I could giggle for a life time.

Is craziness drug induced?

I don't think so...

I'm just crazy right now. Plain crazy...or maybe shallow happy crazy.

Hahaha!

Have I been that good lately?...

I was just singing the song sway by bic runga ..."it gets me so tired, i feel so uninspired..." Just as I was feeling that, here comes an ordinary school day and God gave me something to be crazy about. Hey, I really am lavishing in the moment!

Define crazy.

It is when thoughts just come pouring out of my head and I write things that probably do not mean anything to you.

It is when I forget what a sentence or a paragraph is.

It is when I realize that my class is about to start in three minutes and I still sit here worrying about nothing because I AM CRAZY HAPPY.

I am basking in the moment. Everybody seems to be moving on with their lives. I don't know if it is the same for me but at least I'm moving.Hahaha!

Crazy is synonymous to me.
Nothing seems sane and real about me.

bitter-bitteran

bitter-bitteran =)

Hay...

Last week, sobrang bwisit ako sa buhay ko. I was struggling with so many things... Gusto ko nang manahimik...gusto ko nang magbagong buhay...gusto kong makalimot...gusto ko nang mamahinga at madami pa 'kong ginusto

...Hahaha!I feel better now. I can laugh it off everytime I think about it. I was unfair to some of the people na napagbuntungan ko ng sama ko ng loob.Hehehe, I would like to blame it all on the hormones...hirap kase maging babae e.

Basta, here are my apologies:

To that person who intended to be my friend... I'm sorry for being so rude. Maybe you're intentions of being my friend was sincere.Malas mo lang...you caught me at a bad time. You were the last person I wanted to talk to. I meant it when I told you we can be friends pero next year na lang.Alam mo naman sitwasyon diba, wag matigas ulo mo.Hinayaan na kitang maging masaya...pabayaan mo muna ko. Thanks in advance.

To the other person who wanted to be my friend... stop trying so hard to be accepted. Pag pinagpilitan mo sarili mo lalo ka lang hindi mapapansin at lalo kang lalabas na papansin.I'm sorry for being insensitive...I'm sorry for all the hurtful things I said(haha, I meant them). I know I made you feel intimidated (warning: you should be, coz you don't know me), and I apologize for that too. If you feel that I'm avoiding you, I'm sorry but I feel that I have to.Talking about it will definitely not help make things better, pabayaan mo muna ko, di tayo pareho ng wavelength.

To ina magenta... I'm sorry for feeling irritated with the way you talk. I know you've been nothing but nice to me and to my friends. Hehe, I'll be more patient with you next time, promise.

To God... sorry for feeling so hateful of so many things.I feel weak and broken... I need you to restore me and make me whole.Thank You for always making me feel Your overwhelming love even if I don't deserve it

....wahahaha!Di naman na ako ganon ka bwisit sa buhay ko gaya noong nakaraang linggo, pero I'm definitely still in my bitchy mood today. Hahahaha!Sorry... masayang maging masama paminsan...

...wala lang. Sky, miss na kita...

another day

March 26, 2006

Another Day

Long time no write... I thought I'd never write again...

I had a tiring day. I almost fainted while standing in line, waiting for the result of our battery exam. I passed by the wayz... Thank You so much Lord! All the worrying was worth it.

I am hungry... tired... exhausted... SIGH... nothing a happy ****** day can't cure. =)
I am so... happy. Not because I passed the battery exam, not because community diagnosis is over, not because I can sleep with less worries now... I am happy because I can smile about my life...As in really smile. I am happy because I think I have already gotten around, I had so many wake up calls these past three weeks and my broken spirit was renewed yet again. I am happy to be just where I am. I am happy because inspite of all my so called pains... I was able to see the light, and I am not straying from it. I have my own life to fix.

Today, I am happy... just happy... happy because after being in a hall packed with people, breathing in not only oxygen but also corona virus from sneezes and sweat from who knows where (it was disgusting!)... the day ended up to be another happy "******" day. Hehehe... Having him say my name was my ultimate reward. Hmmm... I am so... HAPPY.

"Another day" by Mojofly describes my day today:

I think I'll go home now,
it's been the greatest day. (One of the simplest great days of my life)
Thank you for shedding life to my fantasy.
Throw me a wicked smile, the one like yesterday (in my case, the one like all the other days he flashed his killer smile),
that threw me up and away to the ever green... (I bet ever green is as good as heaven...I'll take it)
Like a spiral staircase
down I go losing every step
I sense an earthquake
I.L.U. don't even know how to say (grabe ha! di pa naman umaabot sa ganito!)
when will it break
today is gone
but tomorrow will be okay
i'll wait another day ...

Hehehe... I'll wait another day. I know nothing will come to be... I'm just contented with the way things are . I'll wait not for things to turn around. I'll wait another day for the smile that can keep me going at least for the day.

Hehehe... wicked smile!

I am so happy...

There's something different with the way he says KRISH. Not that more than something or special wistful something. Just that ordinary, innocent, plain, no meaning something. I'll take it... as long as it makes me happy.

It's better this way...It's fun and not complicated.

looking back

Today is my "trip to the past" day.

I went to two places that changed my life greatly.

I didn't want to think it was too long ago, but it's been quite a while since I last stepped foot in my old high school. I thought I would never have a reason to come back... my favorite teachers were gone, I don't know anyone in there anymore, all my friends in the lower batches are in college too... I thought I would never see that place again...

How wrong I was.

I needed this certificate that will prove that I graduated as part of the upper 40% in high school. So against all my will, I had to go back there and face my fears. I feared so many things. I feared seeing Sir. John. I feared him asking me how I am...how he is... how we are.

As you know, everything is different now. I feared that Sir. John might be disappointed that I still haven't graduated. I didn't want to talk about him and me because it's honestly still painful for me, and I don't wanna cry in front of him.

I was so anxious at the start of the day like I always am. I was hoping against hope that the school staff had forgotten about me and him being together so there would be no questions asked.

When I got there, I was surprised to see a different place. It still had its homey feeling, but deep inside, I couldn't help feeling like a stranger. The place looked entirely different. Gone was the quadrangle where we used to catch frogs in Biology class. The open spaced school that I got used to before felt strangely tight now with its newly built walls. I couldn't help but be sad. Memories came flooding in my mind.

I went straight to the office to get what I need to have things done and over with. Sir. John was forever present. I was nervous and relieved about it. I felt welcome and even the owners of the school were very friendly to me. They talked to me as if I was one of them.

"Sabi ni Jica ang baboy baboy na raw ni Jesher! Bakit hindi siya nagee-mail sa 'kin?"

Did he really have to ask? I was afraid he might, and he really did! Typical of Sir. John to ask something about him... I guess he (sir) didn't forget about us. At least before that his first comment from the moment he saw me was "Miss Tedor! Ang ganda ganda mo na ngayon!" WOW. Talk about boosting my self-esteem. I've been feeling ugly for as long as I can remember.

Anywayz, I had to tell him the truth. So I told him, (Mr. and Mrs. Ilmedo was there too, trust me, it was so embarrassing) that we already broke up. ( Mrs. Ilmedo asked why?!!! I was caught off guard!) I nearly cried. I didn't want to talk about it... "Meron na ba siyang iba?" What?! I could feel my tears swelling up!Fortunately for me, it didn't fall.

"E, ganon po talaga."

Thank You Lord for giving me the strength to answer. Sigh... my stay there was brief but I was happy I came back. No... I wasn't able to turn back the time, but I was able to face my fear...my fear of seeing people from my past, feeling sad about him and me not being us anymore. I am so relieved. Thank You Lord for giving me relief.

Now, I'm in LB, wasting the hour away with Pat. LB has changed too, but the memories I had here will never be gone. I feel so ecstatic.

I'm in LB... I got to be home at last.

rip it

SIGH...

It's hard to put up a straight face.

I read Sky's blog...and it made me laugh. She wrote: "My life starts now...5...4...3...2...1..."

Can my life be lived that way? Can my day start that way?

I don't know where she gets her drive to live. I mean, there she goes facing life as bravely as she could... here I am getting better and better at being anxious about my life.

In a way, I'm like her. I have to condition myself every morning to face my fears and get on with the day. I don't count from five to one... I usually give myself five minutes to actually get a hold of myself and start the day and get things done and over with.

I always pray to God that I may be able to bear all the hurts I have to feel for the day. I don't know what's happening to me... but I am scared to live the day. I don't wanna die...I just want to sleep forever. Sigh... I know life is beautiful, and that happiness is a choice... sometimes, I just get lost again and feel sad and...pathetic.

Last night, I was ignoring the fact that I was hurting. FRIENDS made me laugh... Joey was hilarious! Charmed almost lulled me to sleep. PBB was okay... I was trying hard to cheer myself up... but when it was time for me to really sleep... I cannot help being anxious about my life again. I can't help feeling stressed about the things I need to do, the things I cannot do anymore, the things that will never be... it's emotionally tiring.

You know what I did?... It was the craziest thing I ever did.

RIPPED...CUT...RIPPED...CUT...RIPPED.

Do I have any regrets?... Surprisingly, I don't feel bad about it. It was great finally having to tear those pictures apart. With every ripping sound, I could feel my heartbeat race faster... the hurt slowy ebbing away. When they were all ripped into pieces...I felt so relieved. SIGH... definitely no regrets.

You know what the problem with me was?... I was still holding back and it was doing me no good. Why hold on to reasons not holding on to? I had to do it... because it was too painful to see myself in that happy situation. Besides, I have enough memories in my mind to last me a lifetime. I don't need them anymore. They'll only give me reasons to cry everytime I see them.

I am so tired of being talked to with words that are cold and flat... (I deserve more than that... gaya ng sabi ni Michael Buble).

This morning, when I woke up, the hurt was gone. I am so proud of myself I can't help to laugh about the whole thing. Hehehe... my life is not too bad again. I am choosing to be happy...and though I have to start the day convincing myself to face the day, at least I found the strength to go through my anxieties.

God is the strength of my heart.

Newspaper Dance

Newspaper Dance

The loudness of the music
was nothing compared to the crazy bumming in my ears.
A youthful spirit
still resided in me.
I kept an indestructible wall about me...
not indestructible enough to keep you out.

Every second seemed eternity.

I was careful not to look in your eyes
for there was something in them
that drew me helplessly to you.

Each fold took forever.

We both tried to breathe in
the real world around us,
while living,
caught up in a bizarre dream
that finally came true.

There was warmth in your eyes,
and though few were the words
that came out of your mouth,
I found myself
basking in your silence.

As the folds got smaller and smaller...
so did the world around us.
The shouts and screams became too loud to hear
that I could only hear my heartbeat.

We were oblivious to the world around us...
and I was at peace.

Then you swooped me in your arms.
You did everything you could
to stay in this silly game.

I held on...

Would you have known I wasn't willing to let go?

The game had to end.

Your eyes got cold.

My heartbeat was only mine to hear.

You let me go.

That was all there was to it...
and nothing more.

the new me

Tuloy Pa Rin
Neocolors

Sa wari ko'y
Lumipas na ang kadiliman ng araw
Dahan-dahan pang gumigising
At ngayo'y babawi na

Muntik na
Nasanay ako sa 'king pag-iisa
Kaya nang iwanan ang
Bakas ng kahapon ko

Tuloy pa rin ang awit ng buhay ko
Nagbago man ang hugis ng puso mo
Handa na 'kong hamunin ang aking mundo
'Pagkat tuloy pa rin

Kung minsan ay hinahanap
Pang alaala ng iyong halik (alaala ng 'yong halik)
Inaamin ko na kay tagal pa
Bago malilimutan ito

Kay hirap nang maulit muli
Ang naiwan nating pag-ibig (alam ko na 'yan)
Tanggap na at natututo pang
Harapin ang katotohanang ito

Tuloy pa rin ang awit ng buhay ko
Nagbago man ang hugis ng puso mo
Handa na 'kong hamunin ang aking mundo
'Pagkat tuloy pa rin

Tuloy pa rin ang awit ng buhay ko (tuloy pa rin)
Nagbago man ang hugis ng puso mo (hugis ng mundo mo)
Handa na 'kong hamunin ang aking mundo (hamunin)
'Pagkat tuloy pa rin (tuloy pa rin)
Tuloy pa rin ang awit ng buhay ko
Nagbago man ang hugis ng puso mo
Handa na 'kong hamunin ang aking mundo
'Pagkat tuloy pa rin
Tuloy pa rin ang awit ng buhay ko (tuloy pa rin)
Nagbago man ang hugis ng puso mo
Handa na 'kong hamunin ang aking mundo (handang harapin ang mundo)
'Pagkat tuloy pa rin
Tuloy pa rin ang awit ng buhay ko
Nagbago man ang hugis ng puso mo
Handa na 'kong hamunin ang aking mundo
'Pagkat tuloy pa rin

******

Yes...life must go on. I had to keep in mind what Mom told me...

...I can cry a river but after that, be sure to hold myself together and move on.

I haven't moved on totally but I definitely am starting to. I had so many realizations... I lost some, but with that loss, I found something more better. I might have lost Jesher but I definitely found God.

I just recently discovered the wonderful life of prayer. Yeah, sure,I used to pray before, but now... praying isn't just praying. Prayer has become something that I cannot live without. There's something different with the way I pray now...I don't know, I feel so touched and blessed everytime. Can you believe it? I thought I learned how to pray ages ago, but I found out I learned how to really pray when I became 22 years old. It helped me change a lot. I learned how to communicate WITH God. I realized what my mistake was. I was busy crying out my whims and all of my hurts. I wasn't listening to what He was saying. I did all the talking. I am trying to change all of that now. I have a clearer idea of what contemplation and reflection means.

Here are the things that my new life of prayer has done for me:

• I am now optimistic (I was such a pessimist before). I found out that I am good in seeing the brighter side of things. I realized I can see the good side of things if I choose to.
• I discovered that starting the day with a prayer makes me less irritable. ( I swear that I am a bitchy person, but recently, I haven't been the bitch I am.I am glad. I feel so much better!)
• There are needs that can't be met by any material thing... there is an emptiness that no one can fill. Only God can give me real peace... and I can feel that peace through praying.
• It had been easier loving those who hate me. It had been easier forgiving all those who had done me wrong.
• It made the process of letting him go easier, because I am assured that God has better plans for the two of us.
• I finally found the courage to face the fact that I am not the one who will make him grow... and that he'll never be the one who will grow spiritually and emotionally with me. Maybe he had to go because that is the only way for me to become closer to God, and that is what matters most.
• I finally found the strength to recall all our good memories. Sometimes it makes me cry but I found out that the more memories I recalled, more parts of him in me are peacefully set free.

I don't know what came over me... I know I need not talk about my prayer life so much. It's just that it changed me a lot and it helped me deal with my life graciously.

Yes... I definitely have to move on. I am trying very hard to move on. It is still hard for me to forget all the pain he caused but little by little, I can feel all my wounds start to really heal. I now know how to be happy. I cannot be with a person who thinks I am one of the reasons why his life's a mess...or that I am someone who makes his life harder to deal with.

I finally learned how to love myself.

I found God... and last but not the least... I found myself.

It's about time I did.

BLUE:
At work or in school: I like to be with people, sharing with them, inspiring them, and helping them. I work and learn best when I can take into consideration people and the human element. I flourish in an atmosphere of cooperation.With friends: I always look for perfect love. I am very romantic, and I enjoy doing thoughtful things for others. I am affectionate, supportive and a good listener.With family: I like to be happy and loving. I am very sensitive to rejection from my family and to family conflicts. I really like to be well thought of and need frequent reassurance. I love intimate talks and warm feelings.

What Color is Your Brain?
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thank you's

They say that all tears will eventually turn into laughter...

I must have millions of laughs in store for me in the future coz I just cried three nights in a row.

Way back in LB when I took Speech Comm, I learned from one of my classmate's informative speech that it was good to cry. Nobody has to tell me how good it is because I cry anytime I want to. How many times have I resorted to crying when nothing seems to cure me? Probably more than a million already. I am surprised that my tear glands are still working.

I am so exhausted... Bangkok was fun.It was great seeing my family together. It was great having a grand vacation. I didn't wanna go back here.Leaving my family really broke my heart. I had so much to think about... How am I supposed to know I was to face more than what I thought I would face? ...in my case, my happiness turned to sadness.

I'm done with my good cry. I cried so hard. I cried a very long and silent cry. I cried for the people I love who are far away from me, I cried for the things that have to be done in the days to come,I cried for all the strength that I lost, I cried for the laughters that I missed, I cried for the time that had gone by, I cried for those who have left me, I cried for the hopes that had been gone and I cried for the things I wish I did but I didn't. I just cried and cried. I thought I would never stop.

Cold?...I feel that way still. I am trying to fix my life like I thought I would. I had lost so much... but I gained a lot too. I, for one, have my whole heart. I own it again...

There's no other way to go but move forward and not look back...for now. I am trying to be brave enough to face each day and make my way through. There will come a day when I would be able to look back at all of these and not feel even an ounce of pain. When that day comes, all of these would just be something to smile about.

I wish 2006 would be a better year for me. 2005 had been a year of loss for me, I hope this year would be the opposite.

I am sad, but I am okay. I already cried and I prayed hard and I feel so much better. I am in one of my numb phases again. It will help me get through for now and I've got God to thank for.

Inspite of the things that I lost, here are the things I am thankful for:

• God... He knows all of angst, my wrong doings and shortcomings, and yet He loves me more than anyone could.
• my family... they are my immediate friends and they accept me for who I am no matter how many times I do them wrong. They never left my side.
• the few friends that I have... they are few but they're the best. They have endured my pathetic moments and I am so greatful to them for that. My life would suck big time without them.
• ComLec... I can't imagine life without them and I can't imagine how I would be this strong. They have changed me a lot and they helped me grow spiritually and emotionally.
• my pillows... I have so many pillows to comfort me in times of great depression
• Jesher...for all the memories we had (because that is all we have) and for having the courage to say how he really felt. It saved me from thinking of hurtful thoughts and things had been easier because of it. I know he'd be one of the things to smile about five years from now.
• all the tears I shed... they dampened my spirit but after that, they made me stronger.
• music... because they help me kill my loneliness away.
• my being single...because it makes me a free person with less problems to think of.

This is my way of looking at the brighter side of things.

***I need you Lord, please stay here by my side.There's no other love I think I'm sure about.***

Cold

-session road-

as you turn away from me

i'm secretly hoping

that you'd come around and break the spell on me

it seems like it's fading

the fire between us

has died down and now you left me questioning

and i feel so lonely inside

oh with the pieces of the loving ways, we cried

and i feel so empty now you've gone

and took away my pride

why can't you reach out for me?

you're pulling me under

where the darkness blinds the world right out of me

i feel like i'm trembling

my knees are shaking

cause i know theres something you're not telling me

i feel so lonely oh,ooohh

i feel so empty oh,ooohh

you're gone and i cried

<><><><><><>

i really feel so lonely inside...the song tells it all. don't know what will happen now.God will only be the strength of my heart now...

just because

Just Because

Just because you're tired, that doesn't give you the right to be rude.
Just because you think some people are not likeable, that doesn't give you the right to do them wrong.
Just because you're heart broken, that doesn't mean that the whole world would mourn and that doesn't give you the right to be pathetic for the rest of your life.
Just because you think some peole are not friendly,that doesn't mean they really aren't.
Just because you have attained so many things in life, that doesn't make you the perfect judge of character.
Just because you think someone looks like a loner, that doesn't mean she or he doesn't have any friends.
Just because you think some people are stupid, that doesn't mean you aren't the same.
Just because you think some people prefer not to talk too much, that doesn't give you the right to talk for them.
Just because you came from a good school, that doens't mean you're good too.
Just because you're a person of so much importance, that doesn't give you the right to be impatient.
Just because you're angry at someone, that doesn't mean you can get angry at everyone.
Just because you're beautiful, that doesn't give you the right to make other people feel ugly.
Just because you're good at almost everything, that doesn't mean you don't have a weakness.
Just because so many people adore you, that doesn't mean nobody hates you.

Just because I had a bad day, that doesn't mean my night would end the same.
Just because some people like to really bring me down, that doesn't mean I would just let them.
Just because he's taking me for granted, that doesn't give me the right to be bitter.
Just because he's tired, that doesn't give him the right to be rude to me.

You know what, I am tired too...

So here it goes:

Goodbye!...next time we talk, I'll hang up phone even before I hear your reply.

...but then, I came to realize...

just because you're so rude, that doesn't mean I will be the same.

my King Arthur and Lancelot

I watched King Arthur last Monday night. The movie was okay... I was so intrigued with the story, I kept rewinding the scenes over and over again so I would be able to understand the story better.

The battle scenes were the usual battle scene... bloody and gross, dragging too. Being the cry baby I am... I cried...all because of a knight who risked his life, trying to break the ice (literally break the ice they were standing on) with the hope that the enemy would be killed.That's not an unusual thing either. What really affected me was the part where Lancelot died because of saving Guinevere's life...more like continuing her battle and dying for it.

I spent the whole night thinking of that scene and I didn't know what time it was when I finally lost myself to sleep.

Guinevere married Arthur in the end... and Lancelot?... his bravery was just a mere memory.

Though the movie didn't really have lines that actually confirmed that Lancelot liked Guinevere, his actions said so. He didn't do anything to win her, because he knew she was for Arthur (or I just like to think so).

If I were Guinevere... who would be my Lancelot?... who would be my Arthur?

I had someone in mind. I remembered all the sweet and noble deeds he had done for me. He was always there even when I didn't need him. He was something I couldn't easily throw away because he kept hanging around. He was my Lancelot... and like Guinevere, my heart was only for an Arthur who didn't even notice me.

I was so sure about the way I felt. He was just Lancelot, and I thought it will forever stay that way. He was everything I needed... but he didn't mean anything... didn't mean more than a friend at least. I thought I will never feel the same...

...but I did. He was just Lancelot until senior year came. He could have been Lancelot always...forever standing by to finish the battles I started and dying for me in the end. He could just have been Lancelot who could only give wistful glances without having to touch even an inch of my skin. He could just have been Lancelot...and nothing more than that.

But I made him my Arthur... and he did so much more than I expected.

Now?... he isn't my Arthur anymore, and he isn't my Lancelot either. Perhaps Kings just change when they venture in another kingdom. Maybe they just forget that they have Queens like Guinevere and feel okay with the idea of starting to live a life full of contentment like nothing was lost.

If I am Guinevere...who would be my Lancelot?...who would be my Arthur?

Only time can tell...

I just need to stay in my dark cell for now...I don't need the torture Guinevere had to go through. I just need a dark cell so I could fill it with my thoughts. Maybe when I finally realize that there are lots of potential Lancelots and Arthurs out there, I would leave my dark cell bravely and face the real world again.

By then, I pray that I would be able to choose who should be the deserving Arthur, and the right Lancelot...

...but just still Lancelot and nothing more than that.

The Goddess of Flora and Sadness. You are a natural
dreamer. Always loyal and tranquil, you can
make anyone feel safe and you are exceptionally
thoughtful. You are a delicate beauty.


Which gorgeous goddess are you? For girls! (breath taking pics!)
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Got this from Paula's blog... try niyo rin! I am not exactly familiar with this kind of flower. I like it... It looks like everythings in chaos but everything seems peaceful. It's like my life. I am in a deep chaos... I feel empty without knowing why, but I look okayj. (in other words, plastic! Hahaha, joke lang!)

I am the goddess of Flora and sadness... I like it. I am a nature lover and I am always sad.Is that good thing?

Ewan... maybe I am just like that.

ordinary day

This is gonna be a long day.

I am okay now... I was just so down last week, and tomorrow's gonna be a thursday again. I am not really looking forward to it, but I have to get through it somehow or I will be stuck in this long day forever.

I had a hard time sleeping last night. I was sad... no, I wasn't homesick. I truly enjoy staying at the dorm with Mhay. We have so many things to talk about. Things I wasn't able to know because I had a busy time in LB. I missed a lot of moments...can't do anything about it now, can I? That's just the way it is.

Hmm... I just feel so empty. Last night, I cried again. It's not because I feel down or anything... I just feel sad. I'm missing someone I shouldn't miss.Sigh...

I try to be strong each and everyday. I try to believe in myself, in what I am, in what I have... I try to believe in other people...and what do I get? They just give up on me.

Don't know what's real anymore. I feel like living in a world full of lies... the world is full of lies. Don't know who's a friend or not. Things are really getting messy.

Thursday's gonna come again. I don't know why I'm saying this... but I would just have to tell myself that I am something she's never gonna be until I would finally be able to last the day.

*******
Smile a lovely smile
I can still see through your eyes.
The sparkle they show
tell me how much you loathe me.
No one's telling you you're lesser than who you are
why want more?
Am I wrong in thinking you're a friend?
I am tired of playing your game.
I want to be real
not the way you want to be untrue.
Keep away from me...
just get away from me.
Let us live without getting in each other's way.
I'd rather live that way
than having you as a friend
and having my heart torn into pieces
by the way you silently hate me.
Smile a lovely smile.
I can still see through your eyes.
Can you see through mine?
I loathe you too...
but I will not mess things up
like the way you do.
*******

Hay naku... high blood na yata ako. Hehehe, I feel better after writing that stuff. Nothing can calm me better than a heartfelt poem!

blue thursday

I am so down today... all because of a person who will never be like... haha...

No, seriously, I am so down. I need to find out why I deserve to be hated so much.

It it because of the way I look? I can't change my the way my eyes stare at people... I didn't design my eyes!

... She'll never be like me, she's never gonna be like me... I'll just keep on telling myself that until I finally last the day. I did last the day. I am here now, in the comfort of a quiet computer shop, without the slightest trace of her.

The day started great. I woke up late (was that a good thing?), and I was okay with what I ate. Couldn't ask for a more better day. Things just get worse when you least expect them to.

And him?... he's like a debris. He hits me when I'm not in the mood to think of him. He would do the simplest things and make me react like a crazy little girl whose life couldn't get so much better after some unpredictable things he does. Then, he ignores me just when I think I need him most.

I'm not making myself so clear, am I? ... that's just me. I have so many secrets. I wanna write, but I don't wanna reveal who I am writing about. It's not like everyone will find out,I couldn't care less. I just wanna be sure. Like the way I felt sure about my first crush in highschool not to be known for as long as I live.

...Sigh... I am just so down. Maybe a good dinner will help wash my depression down.

Times like these...I just need to think of all the good things the people I love say about me. I may be a bitch, but my friends are alwalys there to remind me I am nice. I feel stupid most of the time but my family always tell me I am from the same gene pool they were from, so I am smart. I look like an antogonist waiting to make a bad day for someone so innocent and unsuspecting, but my friends always tell me I look like an angel.

It's not like I'm being boastful or proud. I just need to think of anything that I can think of to boost my morale. I am just really down. Never felt ashamed of myself like this before...and it's all because of a person who'll never be like me.

I hope she's happy with what she's done. I will try my best not to be affected with what she does with my life. "if it makes her happy, it can't be that bad..." Just wish she won't go too far.

I need God's healing power now... Lord, I am so hurt than ever. I don't know why I cry about such a simple task that I failed to do... in my heart, I didn't fail. I know that You know I didn't fail. I am just unlucky that people tend to hate me. Do they hate me? Please help me understand that I couldn't please everybody. Please let me live knowing others hate me. I did try to reach out, maybe I'm just really not likeable. Why? Because my eyes look like I'm always in for a fight? Or my silence intimidates them, or do I walk like I own the whole universe?

I don't know, I really don't know.

I wish I would know what they're really thinking about. And I wish they'd find what I am really feeling. If they think I am so proud, why do I stand with a stooping back. If I walk like I own the world, how come I hide my face and try to walk as fast as I can. If I am too proud, why am so busy sitting in silence in the corner preferring not to say all the good things about me?

They would never understand me, and I probably would never understand them.

I am trying, I am really trying. I am trying to change my belief that first impressions always last because it is not a good thing...but at the end of the day, I always end up being right. I should've listened to my instincts from the very start. But I never get on their way to do things to hurt them just because I don't like them... I just simply do nothing, and this is what I get?

Why do some people find satisfaction in making other people feel miserable?

"God is the strength of my heart..."

good day?

This is the second time that I had to kill time by bursting into a computer shop and checking my mailess e-mail. I don't have any messages to read anymore because I already checked it earlier this morning.

Hmm... Secrets by Madonna is playing in the background. It just made me think of all the secrets I have. I have lots! Deep and shallow secrets. Secrets about someone that I ought not to tell to anyone, and secrets about myself.

They say all secrets will be revealed in time. Well... I got this one secret that I swear to God I haven't told anybody but my diary. Hahaha! I honestly feel, I don't know, proud? amazed? I hold one thing about me that no one knows. I get to keep a single thing to myself. hehehe!

Does anybody know who my first crush in highschool was?

I never told any of my friends and I am definitely not planning to tell so even if it means my life.It isn't a big deal, whatsoever. I am just enjoying the fact that I get to keep a silly something to myself.My friends can probably name names.They can say all the names of my schoolmates... but hahaha! I will never tell.

I thought I am secretive.Well, I was... but not as much now. Hahaha!

raining tears

It's raining hard... it's been raining for days now.

It was midterm week and I did nothing but sleep at home. The rain was making me feel miserable with no apparent reason.

My nights were sleepless, and during the day, I slept so much. I was miserable, and I don't know why. All I know is that the rain made me stay in bed. The rain made me sit by the window and made me think of how my life is doing.

I know it's been so long since the love I cherished died...but sometimes, everything comes back to me... and I still feel hurt even if I try not to be. I prayed to God, and I did tell Him I was angry about how things came to be... I wish He'd forgive me. I do wish I'd be able to accept things the way He wants it to be.

So, I am sad again. I have nothing and no one to blame but the lashing rain. It's my lucky day today. I didn't bring an umbrella and I'll be encountering the merciless raindrops again. My life's sadness would probably never end. Loneliness?... I am used to it... and I am fine, just fine, so I guess it's not such a bad thing.

At times like this... I just reread my mom's letter to me. I always feel good afterwards. Even though I can still feel the pain, at least I have something to keep me strong...

Life is a whole lot easier when mom's around...Here's her letter to me. She mailed it to me on the exact day I broke up with I-don't-wanna-write-his-name.I hope it touches someone whose heart was broken too. (hahaha! I can't believe that still applies to me...after all these months...)

Dearest Te In,

For the past 24 years of being married to your Dad(magsi-silver na nga), I never thought of giving up. You know why? Because of you, my precious kids. Buong buhay ko ay para sa inyo. At this point, Dad and I want to live longer so we can see all of you in good hands. Of course, my faith and trust in God's merciful and forgiving heart made me stronger.

I know how you feel right now and I can even feel the pain. God has His reasons so lift up all your hurts and pains to Him. Pray hard that the "letting go" process will be bearable. I may not be physically present to offer a crying shoulder but my thoughts and prayers are always with you and your sisters.

Eto na yung one of my greatest fears before- ang ma heart broken ang mga anak ko lalo na ikaw.Based on your reaction to your frustrations in the past, I was afraid you will break down but I was wrong. Mabait si Lord kase you are getting emotionally mature.Crying is a normal thing.You can cry a river as long as you know how to move on.Count you blessings and remember the people who love you. Ang dami namin. God loves you and I'm sure that if He closes a door, He will open not just a window, but windows. Thank God for the pleasant memories you had with Jesher and ask Him to guide you as you start to move on without him. If you are not meant for each other, then His will be done.Something or shat I say someone better is in store for you.

Hope and pray that this experience will make you a BETTER person, not bitter... STRONGER, but not harder.However, don't be in a hurry to look for a replacement.It is not the right way to mend a broken heart and it will be unfair. But don't close your heart totally.Just pause, take time and enjoy the life of being unattached.If you will share your heartaches to your friends, don't sour grape or make negative comments about Jesher lalo na kapag kausap mo sina Dyann at Mhay.Tell them it's over, you're trying to move on and it was good while it lasted.

Lastly, I must confess that being away from you for almost three years is the last thing I ever wanted, but it is a necessary evil.You know why? Little by little, I am detaching my self from the three of you so you will learn how to live your own.Though it hurts, I know that it will be good for you and for us too. As you will grow older you will have your own life to live at kami ni Dad will be left alone. But I am happy and thankful because you are doing fine and behaving well.Malapit na rin kaming umuwi so konting tiis na lang ha.Smile!!! We love you and we are always around to help you.If you stumble and fall, our love for you will still be the same, after all, you and your sisters and brother are precious fruits of our love.

***Mommy***


...Sigh... I feel so much better now... and the rain isn't falling that hard too...

I don't wanna be
-Gavin DeGraw-

I don't need to be anything other than a prison guard's son
I don't need to be anything other than a specialist's son
I don't have to be anyone other than a birth of two souls in one
Part of where I'm going is knowing where I'm coming from

I don't want to be anything other than what I've been trying to be lately
All I have to do is think of me and I have peace of mind
I'm tired of looking 'round rooms wondering what I gotta do Or who I'm supposed to be
I don't want to be anything other than me



I'm surrounded by liars everywhere I turn
I'm surrounded by imposters everywhere I turn
I'm surrounded by a identity crisis everywhere I turn
Am I the only one to notice? I can't be the only one who turns

Can I have everyone's attention please
See, not like this and that
You're gonna have to leave
I came from the mountain,
the crust of creation
My whole situation made from clay, dust, stone
And now I'm telling everybody

I don't want to be anything other than what I've been trying to be lately
All I have to do is think of me and I have peace of mind
I'm tired of looking 'round rooms wondering what I'm trying to do Or who I'm supposed to be
I don't want to be anything other than me
I don't want to be
I don't want to be
I don't want to be
I don't want to be



...wala lang, I love Chad Michael Murray! Hahaha, I'm just so jovial he isn't another guy whose name starts with the letter "j". No more disease of the letter "J" for me!

chad michael murray

" I don't wanna be anything rather than what I've been trying to be lately..."



Grabe! I'm going crazy over Chad Michael Murray! Hahaha... I'm so addicted to One Tree Hill.

I wonder what if feels like to have Lucas as my bestfriend... ang cute cute niya sobra!!!!!

I liked him too in Cinderella Story, he was the leading man and Hillary Duff was the leading lady. His eyes are smoldering... grabe! Baliw na talaga ko...

Next entry si George Eads naman. I was blown away by C.S.I. Las Vegas' finale last Wednesday. Cute ni Nick Stokes! Parang bata , nakakaawa!

tag tag tag

Tagged by Eloisa (again!)

5 Things that Calm me Down:

1. A good cry. I feel so much better after crying my heart out. Never mind the red and swollen eyes, at least I feel better inside.
2. A very long bath. I feel refreshed afterwards and I can think more clearly because my mind is more relaxed afterwards.
3. A glass of water. I think I am a polydipsiac (if there's such a word... i got it from polydipsia in anatomy...a term which means excessive drinking of water)... can't live without drinking water every now and then, especially when I'm in panic.
4. A pen flip. Everytime I feel nervous, I unconciously flip my pen. It helps me release all the nerves, and I feel calmer at the end...or so I would like to think.
5. A happy thought... like Harry Potter (just finished book six, I was heartbroken at the end but it's still great), or a piece of chocolate, or a nice song or poem. When I think of my happy thoughts, I tend to forget reality, and I become so much calmer.

I am tagging no one because don't know anyone else to tag... got only few blog buddies eh... hehe, can I tag Eloisa back?Sipag kase niya mag- tag e!