Mommy's shawl and other life lessons at 4 am

In a few hours time, I am gonna be at battle again, both with work and my inner demons.  I got at least two hours more for me to sleep, but I can't go back to slumber anymore.  My mind, yet again, is in overthinking mode.  I am trying to calm myself down by reflecting, and finding things to be grateful for. Thought of jotting my feelings away. 

When I learned I had to do surgery asap, I just said okay. I said yes, because my mind knew it had to be done, but my heart had not fully grasped the whole concept.  So I spent a few days after, being physically present, but my spirit, floating away somewhere. 

I always have a shawl with me. Protection for both the heat and cold.  This habit of mine, this need for this item of clothing, I got from my mom.  Young as I was, I adopted mom's habit of bringing a shawl with me everywhere I go. Too cold in cinemas? Use a shawl.  Sun too hot while walking? I got mom's shawl.  So when I had to leave Philippines and work in the middle east, it was just so fitting for Mommy to bequeath her shawls to me.  I have a few of my own, but mom's shawls are the real deal. Made of good quality, designs are intricate, while mine are cheap and not as functional as hers.  She invested in the legit ones, because she had to use them for formal wear. The number of times she needed it for Dad's work, and gatherings in Malacañan.  I am attached to these shawls, because they were given by my mom. 

So came one fateful Monday morning, my mind was afloat.  I left one of mommy's shawls on the bus I took, for work.  My heart ached, because I felt a pang, knowing I lost it.  Blamed my being mindless because I was too worried about having some malignancy and all that.  I am normally big about letting go of things that aren't meant for me, but this one, I just couldn't take.  It was something of my mom's and I couldn't forgive myself for it.  There was a nagging feeling inside of me, more of irritation and anger, that I lost it because I was so careless.  I was in a bargaining of some sort, knowing I had to let go because there was nothing else I could do, but still so upset with myself.

The next day, I was glumly waiting for the bus to arrive.  What happened next blew me away.  As the bus was nearing, just a few steps before it stopped in front of me, I could see mom's shawl at the front seat. It was hanging by the steel bar in front of the first seat.  I couldn't believe my eyes! When I entered the bus, I was like a kid, full of joy! I would have leaped if there was enough space! Haha! 

Then it dawned on me, how funny life works sometimes.  Reminded me of one of life's greatest lessons that I learned. To never ever force myself into something that's clearly stating I am not wanted... an opportunity, a person, a thing I most desire.  I should always be brave enough to let go. Just let go. Things that are truly meant for me, will find its way back to me, even if I don't do anything about it.  Again, what is meant for me, will never miss me. Or if it misses me, fate will always have a way of bringing it back to me.  

Thankful for the ways I discovered how to love myself. I learned that I should never settle for something less than I deserve. If I give someone my 100% and they can't give back the same,... I guarantee, I'll be walking out the door. I learned that I should not sell myself short.  I won't tolerate being taken for granted.  I should speak and say, "What you're doing is not okay." 

Time is the ultimate truth teller.  I am practicing the art of lying low, particularly in social media.  Has been my mantra for the year. Post less. Share less. The most sweetest moments need not be shared always in public. Based on experience too, I learned not everyone will be happy for you. Let others say what they want to say about you, even if there is no truth to it.  Time will inevitably tell the true story.  When the day of revelation comes, you would be glad you held your tongue.  

Refraining from being judgemental. I still find this difficult to do.  I need a lot of prayers for me to have patience and understanding, but yep.  I believe I will never know the extent of another person's feeling, because I do not know what's going on in their lives.  

Life is fleeting.  I should forgive while I can... be not afraid to love, when given the chance.  I should always live my life with arms wide open.  

*I was not able to finish this entry because time caught up with me. I had to prepare for work. Haha! 

** My surgery's biopsy result is negative for atypia.  I feel like I've been given a third shot at life. 

*** My sister gave birth to another beautiful baby girl.  With everything going wrong in my life, God gave me relief by bringing into this world, our Himig Feliz. 💚 

 

Just a little bit more

More breakdowns... hopefully after all this, will come my breakthrough. 

The past two weeks had me feeling on edge, because of the never ending mock audits for our upcoming JCIA accreditation renewal.  Two years had gone so fast, and now we have to go through this again.  

Share ko lang... spent the last two weekends of October in Dubai, with the future sister in law.  It was refreshing being around her.  We would chat every now and then. Just now she told me, "Konting tiis na lang."  It was true though.  November is flying by fast. We will see each other again in December, Inshaallah.  Hope by then we both would have lost the weight we gained by pigging out so much. Haha! 

I can feel melancholia trying to get the best of me, yet again, but I am too drained to entertain the feeling.  

The only thing that kept my hope up, is that it will be December soon. I am about to be with the people I long to be with! Kaya nga konting tiis na lang. Kahit ang sarap na magtantrums sa pagod. Haha! 

Because I was not able to write as much as I thought I wanted, bear with me if I keep writing anything under the sun. Just going with the way I feel. 

The video below triggered my emotions recently. 

I was happy to be back home, but I was very anxious at the time.  My sisters and I were worried about my parents and my brother, who went to Moalboal for a cousin's wedding.  Our hometown in Cebu was ravaged by a powerful typhoon, and days had already passed. We still haven't heard anything from them.  

Never mind that I had to spend some of my precious days in quarantine.  That time, we were required to stay in a hotel for five days, and could only be sent home after having a negative swab result. Spent seven days in total, at the hotel.  I thought I would die of boredom, and of agony from waiting to be with my family.  Didn't turn out that way.  Hubbybi made my stay bearable.  He was with me all the time.  I never felt I was alone, or secluded.  My first night, I couldn't sleep because of thinking of my bro and parents, but if not for that, I would consider my isolation, my absolutely best rest.  Of course, I also had Cordy with me. During the times he was busy with work, Netflix kept me company. Was hooked with He's Into Her. Haha! Just had to give in to that teeny bopper side of me, because why not? 

Looking back now, it was the time that he gave so much effort, just for me to not feel like I was alone.  It made me appreciate him so much.  I would always say, I am used to being alone, but he would say matter of factly, "Hindi ka na magiisa, kase kasama mo na ako."   

The view from my window

I thought to myself then, "Where do we go from here?"  Although he was succeeding in making my heart happy, I did not want to raise my expectations.  I did not demand anything.  What happened two weeks after that, was a brave step he took on his own volition.  

Which brings me to my NOW. 

It feels so surreal.  The first half of the year left me feeling so uncertain, because I was really dealing with separation anxiety from my single life. I loved being single!!!  Now that December is approaching, there's this complacent beating in my heart. Things are about to get real! Legit! 

So work is giving me hell right now.  SIGH.  

Just a tad bit more. I'll get to where I need to be.