I have been meaning to contemplate about what triggered my overthinking self, before the weekend commenced.
A backstory:
Friday. I officially finished my shift. Two hours earlier than the normal duty hours, because my doctor and I did not have any lunch break. ( I mentioned in my previous entry how stressed out I am, and if you can see me now, it is evidenced by my acne breakout, one of the worst eruptions I had, as far as I can remember.) We have a new member of the team (Yey for the new staff!), and she grabs every chance she can get to practice our usual procedures. Perfect guinea pig: ME, obviously. Haha!
It was fortunately a steady time, and my colleagues would come and go inside the room to chat. They were in the mood to reminisce about their newbie years in our hospital. One senior staff of mine mentioned, she heard I joined, at the time she was on maternity leave. It took me back to that afternoon, when I was watching the SDE of her wedding with the other ladies from the department. We have not personally met. She said, I was heartbroken, as endorsed, and I would not eat much, and at times, they would notice my tears fall, while I was busy doing my documentation. Haha! Yep, that time was pretty rough, and I have always been such a crybaby. I believe my tears make me strong. I had chest pains that time, and not letting my tears out would aggravate it more.
I just laughed it off. Almost six years had passed. It's nothing more than a distant memory. I was coming to terms with what love is, and what love is not.
It lead to one of us sharing her first heartbreak. She was foolishly in love, that she was willing to change her religion. She was begging for the guy to take her back. It hurt like hell for her. She was laughing the whole time she was telling the story. I asked her, "Paano mo nakaya magmaka awa ng ganon? Hindi ko kaya gawin yun, kahit sobrang nasasaktan ako."
"Nanghihinayang ako sa one year namin, crush na crush ko talaga siya, tapos naging boyfriend ko pa." She answered, all the while, laughing at the absurdity of it all. We laughed with her. It was my turn to be questioned. "Ikaw ba hindi manghihinayang? Sayang yung oras na nilaan mo, tapos ganon lang."
"My only regret is that I did not end it sooner. Para sakin, mas sayang pag inaksaya ko pa oras sa kanya, mas kelangan ko ng oras para makapag move on agad. The sooner , the better. Kase nga, I am not getting any younger."
She said, I had a point too, and she did not think of it that way. She learned a lot about herself from that heartbreak. No matter how painful it had been, the lessons would always be the biggest take aways. Then the topic shifted to interfaith relationships, marriage, and having kids.
"WIlling ako mag change ng religion para sa kanya!" More chuckling.
"Okay lang ba sa inyo na magkaiba kayo ng religion?"
"Siguro. Basta magkasundo kami."
"Paano yung magiging anak niyo?"
I answered, "I have no problem with it. My first boyfriend was a Born Again Christian, and we never had an issue. Pastor pa 'ata lolo non. Sobrang knowledgeable sa Bible. I guess, medyo may pagka selective Catholic din ako. Siguro para sakin, it's about applying in life, what Jesus personally taught/ made me feel. It doesn't matter kung ano man religion mo. Sabi nga nila, no religion can save you, only your faith will. Siguro din, kung pagdating sa mga anak, if it were up to me, I would let them choose. Kung san nila mahanap si God, I am all for it. Basta maging mabuti silang mga tao. Wow, feeling magkaka anak pa!" Hahahaha!
Then they went on about stories about their kids. I can only listen, because I don't have kids of my own, and I could not relate. I tried to take note of their personal experiences, just in case I would find myself in the same state. Tawa tayo uli. haha!
Reflecting back on our exchange of narratives, I am astonished about what I learn from other people. Brings me back to what I keep telling myself, to always live my life with arms wide open. There is so much to gain when you listen to what others have to say. Unexpectedly, I also came to realize some things about myself.
I may come off as eccentric, when it comes to the way I decide, whether to keep or let people go, in my life. I guess I have always known myself to be such, but hearing my work friends talk about me, truly validates what I knew all along. I let people leave, when they want to leave. I have lost friendships I used to considerably cherish, and to be honest about it, I don't feel any sense of loss. Real friendships, or relationships, for that matter, should survive the heaviest of storms, and if we were not able to come through out of it, like I always say, better not force it. Hanggan doon na lang talaga kami. Iiiyak ko lang yan for a time, pero hahayaan ko pa din sila.
Another epiphany: I am getting old! Not because of my physical age, but because of the way I am starting to get better at not taking people's actions against me, personally. Or maybe because, I feel any time now, I could be at the end of my rope. I don't like to waste my emotions on insignificant issues, or people, for that matter.
Lastly, I am at awe, by the way love comes in different forms.
Forgiveness. Jesus inspired me to have a forgiving heart. If he can forgive, who am I to refuse forgiving those who hurt me?
Empathy. Not only useful in nursing, but very applicable to life in general. I start understanding why people hurt other people. It always comes to the fact that they are hurt too. That is when I start to remind myself to always hold my judgement.
Random act of kindness. The way my colleagues are concerned about my well- being. Even without asking them, they are the ones offering help. Like my zit breakout, and other aesthetic concerns.
Acceptance. My dragon boat team, always reminding me I am a paddler in every right. I will never forget the way I am always told, "Wala namang babae sumagwan." So, I had to swallow my fear at the times I was included in the line up, for the men's boat. Haha! I am laughing about it now, but the past two races, I wanted to object about it. I did not believe in myself, yet my team did.
I have come to the conclusion, that I am not afraid of being alone, or living alone, because God, have time and time again, proven, that I am never alone. There was one point I was researching about the best ways to living my life alone. It was the direction I was getting ready to head into.
So what will I do now when His plans for me are not what I expected them to be?
When I have no words, I always say, walk by faith, not by sight. ☺
Wonder what my colleagues and I will talk about, come our next session. Kung magkaka chance pa.
*Praying for peaceful shifts for the days ahead. A futile request, but I should not lose hope.
